If Yesterday didn't end up the way u planned... Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him.
Everything in life is temporary...
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary..
And so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it...
It won't last forever
And if things are going bad Dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy new year
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Wishing all my friends a happy and prosperous new year...............
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Wishing all my friends a happy and prosperous new year...............
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Ah Chong
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
Birthplace
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Birthplace
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Children again and again!
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Shakespeare
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
Job hunting
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job hunting
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Children again!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Children!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
At the diner
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card
How old is yr father?
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Love
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
The thieves
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
Getting Old
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so old, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
.............................
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
.............................
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
Man's English
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Lets have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing I am a deep person and would like to have sex with you
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m Gay
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Lets have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing I am a deep person and would like to have sex with you
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m Gay
Woman's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need ...... = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Whatever! Go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Your so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now and it’s not that!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need ...... = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Whatever! Go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Your so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now and it’s not that!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
He put four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of semen. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the followingresults:
The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead
Third worm in semen -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation -- "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
AMEN!!
He put four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of semen. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the followingresults:
The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead
Third worm in semen -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation -- "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
AMEN!!
Woman talk!
Woman Talk
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
The affair
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000".
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000".
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A lesson
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. SeeingGod, she asked "Is my time up?".
God said, "No, you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of theambulance?"
>
>
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God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
God said, "No, you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of theambulance?"
>
>
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God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
The virus
There is a new virus - code name "Work".
If you receive "work" from your colleagues , your boss , via e-mail , phone or anywhere else , do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will soon find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
..............nnnjoyyyyy
If you receive "work" from your colleagues , your boss , via e-mail , phone or anywhere else , do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will soon find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
..............nnnjoyyyyy
The rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the MALE side.
These are our rules:- Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, Not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know You are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
These are our rules:- Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, Not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know You are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
Do's and don'ts of the zodiac signs
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
DO'S Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arian, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DON'TS Do not tell an Aries that she/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of color and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current .
Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
Leo ( July 2 3 - Aug 2 2 )
DO'S If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. However, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DON'TS Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DON'TS Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
DO'S Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks .
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided .
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DON'TS Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).
DO'S Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arian, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DON'TS Do not tell an Aries that she/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of color and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current .
Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
Leo ( July 2 3 - Aug 2 2 )
DO'S If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. However, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DON'TS Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DON'TS Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
DO'S Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks .
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided .
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DON'TS Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).
Fanquevallemud
Telephone conversation at a hotel in Hong Kong :
Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing??
G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing??
G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Telephone conversation at a hotel in Hong Kong : Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing?? G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing?? G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Friday, December 26, 2008
What goes to heaven first?
And now for the over 18s.............
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part ofyour body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,"OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part ofyour body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,"OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
The Onion and the christmas tree
Christmas eve............................
The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to brighten up their day !!!
The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to brighten up their day !!!
Engrish signs around the world
In a Bangkok temple:IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
The smart arse student
Enjoy this one and have a good day!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer...Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat
and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
Merry Christmas and have a ball of a new year.............................
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer...Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat
and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
Merry Christmas and have a ball of a new year.............................
Monday, December 1, 2008
Golf
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began toapologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' theman replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began toapologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' theman replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
Have a beautiful day.......
Everything in life is temporary.
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary.........and so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it... it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad, dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Have a beautiful day!
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary.........and so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it... it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad, dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Have a beautiful day!
Yesterday, Today....
If Yesterday didn't end up the way u planned...
Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him
Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Simple Maths
This equation should be taught in all maths classes. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this.
What makes 100%?
What does it means to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about your colleagues who says they are giving more than 100%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.
If
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Is represented as;
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
A-S-S K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, we can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it’s BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that put you over the top!!
What makes 100%?
What does it means to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about your colleagues who says they are giving more than 100%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.
If
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Is represented as;
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K=8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
A-S-S K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, we can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it’s BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that put you over the top!!
Confucius says...........
This Confucius guy is smart……..
Confucius says : War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Confucius says : If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius says : To meet girl in park is good. But to park meat in girl is better.
Confucius says : Man with tool in woman’s mouth, not necessarily denist
Confucius says : Man who run through airport turnstiles backward going to Bangkok
Confucius says : Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.
Confucius says : Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit
Confucius says : Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says : Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Confucius says : Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
Confucius says : Woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius says : Girl who sit on Judge’s lap get honourable discharge
Confucius says : Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
Confucius says : It take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
Thanks Alice. These sure made me laugh!
Confucius says : War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Confucius says : If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius says : To meet girl in park is good. But to park meat in girl is better.
Confucius says : Man with tool in woman’s mouth, not necessarily denist
Confucius says : Man who run through airport turnstiles backward going to Bangkok
Confucius says : Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.
Confucius says : Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit
Confucius says : Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says : Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Confucius says : Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
Confucius says : Woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius says : Girl who sit on Judge’s lap get honourable discharge
Confucius says : Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
Confucius says : It take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
Thanks Alice. These sure made me laugh!
Cancer
PLEASE SPARE 10 MINUTES TO READ THIS. AFTER YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY (TRY IS THE KEY WORD) AND ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHN HOPKINS IS FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY.
1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.
2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.
3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.
4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.
5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.
6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.
8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.
9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.
10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.
11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.
CANCER CELLS FEED ON:
a. Sugar, is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like Nutrasweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in colour. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt. ( THE WEST MADE US 2 CHANGE FROM SEA 2 WHITE IODISED SALT )
b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.
c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.
d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).
e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water- best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.
12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.
13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.
14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Florssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins,minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.
15. Cancer is a disease of the mind,body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, un forgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.
16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.
PLEASE READ ON
1. No plastic containers in micro.
2.. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.
Johns Hopkinshas recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at WalterReedArmyMedicalCenteras well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.
Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at CastleHospitalwas on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat.
He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as CorningWare, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin.
So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, CorningWare, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.
Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.
This is an article that should be sent to all in your life and that’s why I am putting it in this Blog for the benefit of all of you.
1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.
2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.
3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.
4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.
5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.
6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.
7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.
8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.
9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.
10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.
11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.
CANCER CELLS FEED ON:
a. Sugar, is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like Nutrasweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in colour. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt. ( THE WEST MADE US 2 CHANGE FROM SEA 2 WHITE IODISED SALT )
b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.
c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.
d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).
e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water- best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.
12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.
13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.
14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Florssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins,minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.
15. Cancer is a disease of the mind,body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, un forgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.
16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.
PLEASE READ ON
1. No plastic containers in micro.
2.. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.
Johns Hopkinshas recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at WalterReedArmyMedicalCenteras well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.
Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at CastleHospitalwas on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat.
He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as CorningWare, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin.
So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, CorningWare, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.
Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.
This is an article that should be sent to all in your life and that’s why I am putting it in this Blog for the benefit of all of you.
Giving up on wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
''Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine..'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
''Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine..'
The Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
A Christmas Carol
Alice came up with this Christmas carol for 2008 (sung to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
Be very careful with your wishes
This is a blast.........thanks Alphonsus.
Be careful with your wise.....
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
The Fairy said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!!!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story????
Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are FEMALE.....
Be careful with your wise.....
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
The Fairy said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!!!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story????
Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are FEMALE.....
An interesting dialogue between a Professor and a Student
Am not sure where you get this Richard but it sure is very very interesting!
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY. He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor :You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student :Yes, sir.
Professor :So you Believe in GOD ?
Student :Absolutely, sir.
Professor :Is GOD Good?
Student :Sure.
Professor :Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student :Yes.
Professor :My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD Good then? Hmm?( Student is silent )
Professor : You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good?
Student : Yes..
Professor : Is Satan good?
Student :No.
Professor :Where does Satan come from ?
Student :From . . . GOD . . .
Professor :That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student :Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make Everything.. Correct?
Student :Yes.
Professor :So who created evil ?( Student does not answer )
Professor :Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student :Yes, sir.
Professor :So, who Created them ?
( Student has no answer )
Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student :No, sir.
Professor :Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD ?
Student :No , sir.
Professor :Have you ever Felt your GOD , Tasted your GOD , Smelt your GOD ? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student :No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor :Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son ?
Student :Nothing. I only have my Faith .
Professor :Yes. Faith . And that is the Problem Science has.
Student :Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor :Yes.
Student :And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor :Yes.
Student :No sir. There isn't.
(The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )
Student :Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )
Student : What about Darkness, Professor ? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?Professor :Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student :You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?
Professor :So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student :Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor :Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student :Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you Teach your Students that they Evolved from a Monkey?
Professor :If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student :Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going)Student :Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor, are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class is in Uproar)
Student :Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?
( The Class breaks out into Laughter )
Student :Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it ? . . . No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?
( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable)
Professor :I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student :That is it sir . . . the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.
NB:I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .you'll probably want your Friends Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you ? . . .Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY. He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor :You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student :Yes, sir.
Professor :So you Believe in GOD ?
Student :Absolutely, sir.
Professor :Is GOD Good?
Student :Sure.
Professor :Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student :Yes.
Professor :My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD Good then? Hmm?( Student is silent )
Professor : You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good?
Student : Yes..
Professor : Is Satan good?
Student :No.
Professor :Where does Satan come from ?
Student :From . . . GOD . . .
Professor :That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student :Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make Everything.. Correct?
Student :Yes.
Professor :So who created evil ?( Student does not answer )
Professor :Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student :Yes, sir.
Professor :So, who Created them ?
( Student has no answer )
Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student :No, sir.
Professor :Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD ?
Student :No , sir.
Professor :Have you ever Felt your GOD , Tasted your GOD , Smelt your GOD ? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student :No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor :Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor :According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son ?
Student :Nothing. I only have my Faith .
Professor :Yes. Faith . And that is the Problem Science has.
Student :Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor :Yes.
Student :And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor :Yes.
Student :No sir. There isn't.
(The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )
Student :Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )
Student : What about Darkness, Professor ? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?Professor :Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student :You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?
Professor :So what is the point you are making, Young Man?
Student :Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor :Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student :Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you Teach your Students that they Evolved from a Monkey?
Professor :If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student :Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going)Student :Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor, are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class is in Uproar)
Student :Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?
( The Class breaks out into Laughter )
Student :Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it ? . . . No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?
( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable)
Professor :I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student :That is it sir . . . the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.
NB:I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .you'll probably want your Friends Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you ? . . .Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH
Something to think about
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride............................................................
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride............................................................
Card Keys
I collect hotel card keys. It has become some sort of a hobby and it started when I received the following advise from a friend via email. It is something to think about.
Ever wonder what is on your magnetic key card?
Answer:
a. Customer's name
b. Customer's partial home address
c. Hotel room number
d. Check-in date and out dates
e. Customer's credit card number and expiration date!
When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is here for anybody to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. Somebody can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a laptop computer and go shopping at your expenses. Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until it is reissued the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest's information is electronically 'overwritten' on the card and the previous guest's information is erased in the overwriting process. But until the card is rewritten for the next guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT!
The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them.
Ever wonder what is on your magnetic key card?
Answer:
a. Customer's name
b. Customer's partial home address
c. Hotel room number
d. Check-in date and out dates
e. Customer's credit card number and expiration date!
When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is here for anybody to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. Somebody can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a laptop computer and go shopping at your expenses. Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until it is reissued the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest's information is electronically 'overwritten' on the card and the previous guest's information is erased in the overwriting process. But until the card is rewritten for the next guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT!
The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them.
Just be thankful....
Thanks so much Renuga. I like the piece you sent to me yesterday and so I am sharing it here with friends.....
I AM THANKFUL
>FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S EGGS N BACON TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
>FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
>FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
>FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .
>FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
>FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
>FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE
>FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
>FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT;
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
> FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .
>FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
>FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
>FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING;
BECAUSE IT MEANSI HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
>FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
>FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
>AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
I AM THANKFUL
>FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S EGGS N BACON TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
>FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
>FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
>FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .
>FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
>FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
>FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE
>FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
>FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT;
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
> FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .
>FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
>FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
>FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING;
BECAUSE IT MEANSI HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
>FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
>FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
>AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL;
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
It always seems to end up with a fight
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels the other day........
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust..'
And then the fight started…
======
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started…
======
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=======
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=======
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
"Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
======
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so-o-o-o stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he was a DWARF!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then, which one are you?' And then the fight started....
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust..'
And then the fight started…
======
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started…
======
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=======
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=======
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
"Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
======
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so-o-o-o stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it he was a DWARF!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then, which one are you?' And then the fight started....
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Doctor's last word
Contributed by Alphonsus
A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.
''Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.
''Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand...."
''Did he hold your hand like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now''
"If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.''
"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.''
"It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side''
"Then he kissed me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.''
"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. it means he adores you.''
"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor... exactly like that''
"It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.''
"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... ''
"Did you resist?''
"No. I let him do it, coz I love him...''
"Did he take off your clothes like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......''
"He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.''
"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me...''
"Did he do it just like what we do?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same''
"You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.''
"But then he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming, "BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!"
A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.
''Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.
''Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand...."
''Did he hold your hand like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now''
"If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.''
"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.''
"It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side''
"Then he kissed me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.''
"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. it means he adores you.''
"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor... exactly like that''
"It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.''
"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... ''
"Did you resist?''
"No. I let him do it, coz I love him...''
"Did he take off your clothes like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......''
"He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.''
"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me...''
"Did he do it just like what we do?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same''
"You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.''
"But then he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming, "BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!"
October health tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear.
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water.
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS.
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water.
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS.
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Some useless facts of life........
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I DEFINITELY want to be a PIG.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know of some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know of some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I DEFINITELY want to be a PIG.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know of some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know of some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
How the stock market works according to Alice
One day a man appeared in a remote village
"I'd like to buy some monkeys," he said, "and I'll pay $10 each for them ..."
Now, the villagers knew that there are plenty of monkeys around so they went out into the jungle and rounded up hundreds of them which they sold for $10 each. Then, as the monkey population began to diminish, the villagers stopped hunting them down.
"I'll pay you $15 each" said the man.
So the villagers went back into the jungle to collect the monkeys.
Soon the there were hardly any monkeys left to be collected.
So the villagers returned to their daily chores.
The offer was raised to $20 per monkey, but by now they were so rare that it was impossible to catch one, let alone see one ...
The man then offered $50 for each monkey, but he had to go to the city on business and that his associate would take care of everything.
As soon as the trader left, his associate gathered all the villagers around him and told them that as it was so hard to catch monkeys now, they could buy all the ones his boss had in the cages for $35 each and that when he came back, they could sell them to him for $50 a head.
The people returned to their villages and sold all their possessions to raise the money then came back and bought all the monkeys.
That same night, however, the assistant disappeared and he and his boss were never seen again.
All that was left were hundreds of villagers running around in despair with only monkeys!....
Welcome to the World of the Stock Exchange
"I'd like to buy some monkeys," he said, "and I'll pay $10 each for them ..."
Now, the villagers knew that there are plenty of monkeys around so they went out into the jungle and rounded up hundreds of them which they sold for $10 each. Then, as the monkey population began to diminish, the villagers stopped hunting them down.
"I'll pay you $15 each" said the man.
So the villagers went back into the jungle to collect the monkeys.
Soon the there were hardly any monkeys left to be collected.
So the villagers returned to their daily chores.
The offer was raised to $20 per monkey, but by now they were so rare that it was impossible to catch one, let alone see one ...
The man then offered $50 for each monkey, but he had to go to the city on business and that his associate would take care of everything.
As soon as the trader left, his associate gathered all the villagers around him and told them that as it was so hard to catch monkeys now, they could buy all the ones his boss had in the cages for $35 each and that when he came back, they could sell them to him for $50 a head.
The people returned to their villages and sold all their possessions to raise the money then came back and bought all the monkeys.
That same night, however, the assistant disappeared and he and his boss were never seen again.
All that was left were hundreds of villagers running around in despair with only monkeys!....
Welcome to the World of the Stock Exchange
The credit crunch
A trader: 'This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left. There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Dollars Fifty Cents...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
Whats the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A Tie
Whats the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
My broker suggested that I invest for my old age. He was right. Within a week of investing, I was an old man.
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left. There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Dollars Fifty Cents...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
Whats the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A Tie
Whats the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
My broker suggested that I invest for my old age. He was right. Within a week of investing, I was an old man.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
When stranded in a deserted Island........
Thanks Diewo for this contribution......
Two ITALIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two AMERICAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two FRENCH men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They killed the lady to have each other.
Two THAI men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two FILIPINO men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two INDONESIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to look for jobs.
Two MALAYSIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other man because she was rejected by both.
Two SINGAPOREAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two men did nothing because there is no instruction from the GOVERNMENT.
Two ITALIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two AMERICAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two FRENCH men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They killed the lady to have each other.
Two THAI men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two FILIPINO men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two INDONESIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to look for jobs.
Two MALAYSIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other man because she was rejected by both.
Two SINGAPOREAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two men did nothing because there is no instruction from the GOVERNMENT.
Valentines Day Messages
Next time you are short of a good message, try these..............
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too.
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness, pray to God ask him to free u from darkness.
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
P/S: Hahahahahahahahaha..........don't angry, just kidding.
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too.
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness, pray to God ask him to free u from darkness.
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
P/S: Hahahahahahahahaha..........don't angry, just kidding.
Chinglish
You may like this. I find it hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric ....
Ah Kau was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Kau was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Women!!!!!
From Kevin, a confirmed bachelor..........
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A Glass of Milk
From my 'sister' James......he always calls me sister for whatever reasons...........
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ... "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ... "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
Effort - Something to think about
Received from Renuga of KL.................
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix
the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ........................ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix
the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ........................ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.
Good Friends
Yet another one from Alice........
On Orchard Road at a busy bus stop, a beautiful Singaporean young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, an Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Australian smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
Muahahahaha.................
On Orchard Road at a busy bus stop, a beautiful Singaporean young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, an Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Australian smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
Muahahahaha.................
The Mistress
Another one from Alice
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress”.
" Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress”.
" Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
Working Smart
from Alice of Singapore
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Son
At 4am the next morning, government agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son
The moral of the story: Work smart not hard. Using your brain, in the perceived impossible, sometimes it can make the impossible possible.........
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Son
At 4am the next morning, government agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son
The moral of the story: Work smart not hard. Using your brain, in the perceived impossible, sometimes it can make the impossible possible.........
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Joke of the month
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$1,000."
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$5,000."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$1,000."
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$5,000."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Priest
A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
The funny side of life 2
1st incident.......
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts".
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
2nd incident........
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night".
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts".
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
2nd incident........
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night".
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Friday, September 12, 2008
September Health Tip - Your Liver
Take care of your HEALTH.
The main causes of liver damage are:
1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause. 2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store. We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'
The main causes of liver damage are:
1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause. 2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store. We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'
48 questions answered
1.What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
41. Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches
So they can look like their mother.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Hahahahahaha........just kidding lah.
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
41. Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches
So they can look like their mother.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Hahahahahaha........just kidding lah.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The funny side of life 1
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.......or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did……….
1. From an office colleague..........
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
2. From a lady golfer friend........
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".
Hahahahaha..........hopefully that helps to put a smile on your face!
1. From an office colleague..........
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
2. From a lady golfer friend........
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".
Hahahahaha..........hopefully that helps to put a smile on your face!
I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l.l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t ..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l.l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e.d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e w..a..s l..i.c..k..i..n..g h.i.s..ba.l.l.s
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l.l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t ..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l.l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e.d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e w..a..s l..i.c..k..i..n..g h.i.s..ba.l.l.s
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