Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
‘How much do you charge?'
‘One hundred and eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, one hundred and eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for 20 bucks! I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
So..........................GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Real Love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands...........
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands...........
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Jiezi Ancient Town
Spent an afternoon in Jiezi Ancient Town to admire some of the old architectures and gain an appreciation of the lifestyle and culture of the local folks. Qiute interesting. Thanks Oakwook Residences for organising such an educational and interesting trip.
A pity I will not be able to join you on the upcoming trip to Xiling Snow Mountain - I sincerely hope that the snows have fallen (but I doubted very much as I think it is a bit too early in the year!).
A pity I will not be able to join you on the upcoming trip to Xiling Snow Mountain - I sincerely hope that the snows have fallen (but I doubted very much as I think it is a bit too early in the year!).
Jiuzhaigou Revisited
Went to Jiuzhaigou on the 3rd week of October hoping to see some colourful autumn leaves. A bit disappointed as the colours were not as dramatic as expected........just a bit of yellow, a bit of red, a bit of purple here and there.
The views were, however, as fantastic as ever..................
Different Views on Life
.A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, won't be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh, send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother...
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With big tits & who owns a bar on a golf course
suck my cigar while I smoke my pipe
And loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme
But I don't give a shit!
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, won't be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh, send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother...
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With big tits & who owns a bar on a golf course
suck my cigar while I smoke my pipe
And loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme
But I don't give a shit!
Negotiation Strategy
The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Thursday, November 8, 2012
What is life about?
What is life about?
1 - At one, YOU are the top priority
10 - At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 -At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30 - At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 -At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 - At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 - At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 - At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 - At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 - At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 - At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good !
1 - At one, YOU are the top priority
10 - At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 -At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30 - At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 -At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 - At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 - At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 - At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 - At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 - At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 - At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good !
At a Chocolate Store
Two friends, entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, one stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the he said to his friend: "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
His friend replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the friend said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."
The freind said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The friend asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The friend replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
His friend replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the friend said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."
The freind said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The friend asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The friend replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
One day in a bus
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Have a good laugh again!!!!!
Have a good laugh again!!!!!
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
How the Fight Starts......
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
2 Nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical, and the other one was known as Sister Logical.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys.............
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys.............
One Day in a Bar
An Arab walked into a very crowded bar and was about to order a drink when he saw a guy wearing a Jewish cap (yarmulke), a prayer shawl (tzitzis), and sporting the traditional locks of hair of a Jew.
The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was buying everyone a drink except the Jewish fellow.
After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriated the Arab.
Once again the Arab loudly ordered drinks for everyone - except the Jew. But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"
The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly bugger did was to smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replied the bartender. "He owns the place!"
The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was buying everyone a drink except the Jewish fellow.
After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriated the Arab.
Once again the Arab loudly ordered drinks for everyone - except the Jew. But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"
The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly bugger did was to smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replied the bartender. "He owns the place!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)