Contributed by Alphonsus
A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.
''Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.
''Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand...."
''Did he hold your hand like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now''
"If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.''
"Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.''
"It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side''
"Then he kissed me...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.''
"If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. it means he adores you.''
"Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...''
"Like this?''
"Yes, Doctor... exactly like that''
"It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.''
"Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... ''
"Did you resist?''
"No. I let him do it, coz I love him...''
"Did he take off your clothes like this?''
"Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......''
"He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.''
"Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me...''
"Did he do it just like what we do?''
"Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same''
"You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.''
"But then he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming, "BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
October health tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear.
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water.
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS.
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water.
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS.
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Some useless facts of life........
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I DEFINITELY want to be a PIG.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know of some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know of some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I DEFINITELY want to be a PIG.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know of some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know of some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
How the stock market works according to Alice
One day a man appeared in a remote village
"I'd like to buy some monkeys," he said, "and I'll pay $10 each for them ..."
Now, the villagers knew that there are plenty of monkeys around so they went out into the jungle and rounded up hundreds of them which they sold for $10 each. Then, as the monkey population began to diminish, the villagers stopped hunting them down.
"I'll pay you $15 each" said the man.
So the villagers went back into the jungle to collect the monkeys.
Soon the there were hardly any monkeys left to be collected.
So the villagers returned to their daily chores.
The offer was raised to $20 per monkey, but by now they were so rare that it was impossible to catch one, let alone see one ...
The man then offered $50 for each monkey, but he had to go to the city on business and that his associate would take care of everything.
As soon as the trader left, his associate gathered all the villagers around him and told them that as it was so hard to catch monkeys now, they could buy all the ones his boss had in the cages for $35 each and that when he came back, they could sell them to him for $50 a head.
The people returned to their villages and sold all their possessions to raise the money then came back and bought all the monkeys.
That same night, however, the assistant disappeared and he and his boss were never seen again.
All that was left were hundreds of villagers running around in despair with only monkeys!....
Welcome to the World of the Stock Exchange
"I'd like to buy some monkeys," he said, "and I'll pay $10 each for them ..."
Now, the villagers knew that there are plenty of monkeys around so they went out into the jungle and rounded up hundreds of them which they sold for $10 each. Then, as the monkey population began to diminish, the villagers stopped hunting them down.
"I'll pay you $15 each" said the man.
So the villagers went back into the jungle to collect the monkeys.
Soon the there were hardly any monkeys left to be collected.
So the villagers returned to their daily chores.
The offer was raised to $20 per monkey, but by now they were so rare that it was impossible to catch one, let alone see one ...
The man then offered $50 for each monkey, but he had to go to the city on business and that his associate would take care of everything.
As soon as the trader left, his associate gathered all the villagers around him and told them that as it was so hard to catch monkeys now, they could buy all the ones his boss had in the cages for $35 each and that when he came back, they could sell them to him for $50 a head.
The people returned to their villages and sold all their possessions to raise the money then came back and bought all the monkeys.
That same night, however, the assistant disappeared and he and his boss were never seen again.
All that was left were hundreds of villagers running around in despair with only monkeys!....
Welcome to the World of the Stock Exchange
The credit crunch
A trader: 'This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left. There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Dollars Fifty Cents...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
Whats the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A Tie
Whats the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
My broker suggested that I invest for my old age. He was right. Within a week of investing, I was an old man.
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left. There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Dollars Fifty Cents...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
Whats the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A Tie
Whats the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
My broker suggested that I invest for my old age. He was right. Within a week of investing, I was an old man.
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