on being a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? " Millionaire:"I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer:"Wow,she must be some woman. What were you before you married her? " Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

on talking after sex

A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

on being the first

Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with ? " Wife replied: " Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others ! "

on the one kiss

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the warning!

Why should the wedfing ring be worn on the 4th finger?

There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese . . . The thumb represents your Parents The second (index) finger represents your Siblings The middle finger represents you The fourth (ring) finger represents your Life Partner The last (little) finger represents your children   First, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together, back to back   Second, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb  -  tip to tip  ( As shown in the figure below )

  Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents). They will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong  and have to leave you sooner or later.   Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings). They will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their separate lives.   Now rejoin the index fingers and separate your little fingers ( representing your children ). They will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.   Finally, rejoin your little fingers, and try to separate your ring fingers (representing your spouse). You'll be surprised to see that you just CANNOT,  because husband & wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin    See how clever and smart are the CHINESE    

Of tees and balls

Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.   "Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.   Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.   "What are those?, asks the attendant.   "They're called tees" replies Tiger.   "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman.   "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.   "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!". 

all about flies

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard? Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Hello Old Friend

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. ~Your kids are becoming you....but your grandchildren are perfect! ~Going out is good.... Coming home is better! ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!! ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf. ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed.... It's called "pre-sleep". ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch. ~You tend to use more 4 letter words.... "what?"...."when?".... ??? ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!! ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots. ~Everybody whispers. ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear. ~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!! Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Share this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!   It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.      "Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.   LIVE IT WELL!  ENJOY TODAY!  DO SOMETHING FUN!  BE HAPPY !  HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember.... "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."      

One afternoon at the golf club

But my wife won't like it.  

  One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy.     Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?" "Its John, and Im OK thanks," he replied. "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later." "That's mighty nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, John thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile , She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the buggy!" he explained.      

on being human

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans". "My father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

On blind dates

" How was your blind date ? " a college student asked her roommate. " Terrible ! " the roommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." " Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that ? " " He was the original owner."

On report cards

Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents!

On financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy". he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".   Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.   Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

a weekend in inner mongolia

Huanglongxi Ancient Town revisited

Huanglongxi is a historic Chinese town located about 50 km from Chengdu in the Sichuan province of China. It is named after the Huanglong river which flows through it. Not a bad place to relax on the weekend - if you happened to be in Chengdu.

On having a fortune

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

I See You

Muah hahaha...

Chengdu Motor Show 2013

I missed this year's show but luckily a friend send me some photos. It does look like it was a great success as in previous years.

7 Kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called ....Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Screw You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ......Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th k ind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!

Alternative Definitions

 The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference:  The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power........

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually; and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

The new recruit

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're
talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you
IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

An experiment on Socialism

Simple Analogy

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said: -

"OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

General Knowledge - the answers

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls . The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART… Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send this to at least one mentally-challenged person.

Well, my job's done!

General knowledge - the questions

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers..

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Experience any embarrassing moments recently?

 Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.......or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

 I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.

 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was un-happy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".

 My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just
looking at your nuts". My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in awhile, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said "No". I kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No", he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!", while 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...... atrue story.... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard.

NOW, DIDN'T THAT FEEL GOOD? Please pass this on to someone you know who needs a laugh

Another Secret of Success

When I woke up this morning lying in bed, I was asking myself - What are some of the secrets of success in life?

I found the answer right there, in my very room.

The fan said – be cool

The roof said – aim high

The window said – see the world

The clock said – every minute is precious

The mirror said - reflect before you act

The calendar said – be up to date

The door said – push hard for your goals

And not to forget, the carpet said ...kneel down and pray.

Carry a Heart that Never Hates.
Carry a Smile that Never Fades.
Carry a Touch that Never Hurts.
Live - laugh - love.

HAVE A PURPOSEFUL DAY!!!

God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmm........", the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry Sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.


Later, the mother asked, "How did it go Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I'm God!!"

different ways to apologise

Japan Tokyo
A man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt in Tokyo . Before the guy had a chance to apologize, the single lady took a 90 degree bow, then said: “I am sorry to give you trouble! The quality of the skirt is not all that good.” Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

New York
Time Square, New York , a man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before the guy had a chance to react, the single lady pull out a name card, gave it to him and said: “This is my lawyer’s business card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment. It is better that you prepare yourself, then we will see you in court.”

Paris France
A French man accidently tore a girls’ miniskirt. Before the man opened his mouth, the young single lady said with a smile: “If you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology.” The French man bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly, they went to a small hotel discussing what was in the miniskirt.


Thames England
In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidently tore the mini skirt of a young single lady. Before the English man opened up his mouth, the young lady covered her torn spot, then said with a blush on her face: “Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close by…” The English man took his jacket off, put on her shoulders, call a cab, then took her home safely.

China
Chong Qing, China: a man accidently cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man said anything, the young lady slapped the guy, then: “You, the sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me, I will send you to the labor camp…”


Taiwan Shimending  
Taiwan Shimending, a man accidently tore a girl’s short miniskirt. Before the guy started to speak, the girl smiled and said: “We have not come up with a price yet, and you are going to inspect the merchandise?”
Korea    On the street of Yinchong, a man accidently tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before the man speaks, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: “Don’t you know that I have a second degree black belt in Tai Kwan Dao.”


Bangkok, Thailand,
A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18 years old girl. Before the man start to apologize, the girl said with a Buddha hand gesture: “No worries honey, ……we are all men.”



Cheers!

Tees and Balls

Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.


Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.


"What are those?, asks the attendant.


"They're called tees" replies Tiger.


"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.


"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

 "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".

Does HE has a plan for all of us?

Beautiful story.... makes you understand that things happen for a reason.


The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn , arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.

They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.
On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm - hit the area and lasted for two days.
On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.

The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later.

She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"

The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials 'EBG' were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria .

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten "The Tablecloth". The
woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria . When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or her home again.

The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church.

The pastor insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the
spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.

One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood, continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike?

He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was
supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home
again in all the 35 years between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier.

He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

T rue story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid who says God does work in mysterious ways.

Lil Johnny

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

5 Rules for a happy life - for Men.

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Old Age

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam.

'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

The Trap

The wife was sure that her husband was having an affair with the maid, so she decided to lay a trap ....

One evening she sent the maid to a friend's home for the weekend & didn't tell husband and she slept on maid's bed.

She switched the lights off.

He came in silently and wasted no time on words but quickly started making love to her.....

When he finished!

Wife said: U didn't expect me in this bed!! Did u ??

And switched on the light.

No Madam!!! Said the Shocked Driver!!!!

MORAL : Sometimes you can get screwed if you are too smart.

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

Loud Sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed And my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

Sex Pension

Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'