Somehow, it appears that men and women are different...
Wife's Diary:
Dear diary. Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; can you believe it - who the f*** four putts?
Note – Only Golfers will catch this!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Children - 4
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
Financial Wisdom
Financial Wisdom
- attributed to Warren Buffet
Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser.
Spending - If you buy things you don't need, you'll soon sell things you need.
Savings - Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving.
Hard work - All hard work brings profit; but mere talk leads only to poverty.
Laziness - A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current.
Earnings - Never depend on a single source of income.
Borrowings - The borrower becomes the lender's slave.
Accounting - It's no use carrying an umbrella, if your shoes are leaking.
Auditing - Beware of little expenses; a small leak can sink a large ship.
Risk-taking: Never test the depth of the river with both feet.
Investment - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
I'm certain that those who have already been practicing these principles remain financially healthy.
I'm equally confident that those who resolve to start practicing these principles will quickly regain their financial health.
Let us become wiser and lead a happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful life.
- attributed to Warren Buffet
Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser.
Spending - If you buy things you don't need, you'll soon sell things you need.
Savings - Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving.
Hard work - All hard work brings profit; but mere talk leads only to poverty.
Laziness - A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current.
Earnings - Never depend on a single source of income.
Borrowings - The borrower becomes the lender's slave.
Accounting - It's no use carrying an umbrella, if your shoes are leaking.
Auditing - Beware of little expenses; a small leak can sink a large ship.
Risk-taking: Never test the depth of the river with both feet.
Investment - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
I'm certain that those who have already been practicing these principles remain financially healthy.
I'm equally confident that those who resolve to start practicing these principles will quickly regain their financial health.
Let us become wiser and lead a happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful life.
The Doctor's change of plan
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing
as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, sathered on some honey and mounted the woman..
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing
as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, sathered on some honey and mounted the woman..
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sex in the Military
The military version of Sex.
The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
A Dog's Logic
Dog Logic.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
- Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
- Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
- Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
- Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
A Communication Gap
Height of Communication GAP.
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"
The guy said, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow. "
That night, she tells her husband about the phone call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Muahahahahahaaaa….
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"
The guy said, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow. "
That night, she tells her husband about the phone call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Muahahahahahaaaa….
Monday, August 27, 2012
Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize that there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells......
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells......
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
I am beginning to like my biscuits Burnt!
Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she made breakfast food for dinner after a long, hard day at work. Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed.
Dad just reach for his biscuit, smiled at mom and asked me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and ate every bite.
When I got up from the table, I remember hearing mom apologize to dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.
Later that night, I went to kiss Dad good night and asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others' faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
Because in the end, you are the master of your own life, to be happy or unhappy, to be positive or negative.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship , be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.
So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine ...
Dad just reach for his biscuit, smiled at mom and asked me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and ate every bite.
When I got up from the table, I remember hearing mom apologize to dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.
Later that night, I went to kiss Dad good night and asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others' faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
Because in the end, you are the master of your own life, to be happy or unhappy, to be positive or negative.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship , be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.
So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine ...
Children - 3
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee
You may never look at a cup of coffee the same way again, whether you drink coffee or not.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?
Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, do you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or are you like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are at their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to share this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?
Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, do you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or are you like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are at their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to share this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
Beer, Fishing, Golf and Sex - a rerun.
There maybe an important lesson here....!!!!.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
Friday, August 24, 2012
Children - 2
Take 2
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Management Lesson
MANAGEMENT LESSON.
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
So what is the management lesson?
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it......otherwise you can get screwed!
Broccoli and Cancer
BROCCOLI – CANCER
Close-up, the tiny green tips on a broccoli head look like hundreds of cancer cells.
Now scientists know this disease-busting veg can play a crucial role in preventing the disease.
Last year, a team of researchers at the US National Cancer Institute found just a weekly serving of broccoli was enough to reduce the risk of prostate cancer by 45 per cent.
In Britain , prostate cancer kills one man every hour.
Close-up, the tiny green tips on a broccoli head look like hundreds of cancer cells.
Now scientists know this disease-busting veg can play a crucial role in preventing the disease.
Last year, a team of researchers at the US National Cancer Institute found just a weekly serving of broccoli was enough to reduce the risk of prostate cancer by 45 per cent.
In Britain , prostate cancer kills one man every hour.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Children - 1
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Couple Staying in a Hotel
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to Continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the Road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill For $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the floor shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best Entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill For $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the floor shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best Entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Beansprouts and Sperm
BEANSPROUTS – SPERM
The stir-fry favourite bears an uncanny resemblance to the images we see of ‘swimming’ sperm trying to fertilise an egg. And research from the US suggests they could play an important part in boosting male fertility.
A study at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio showed that to make healthy sperm in large quantities, the body
needs a good supply of vitamin C, a powerful antioxidant that protects cells against damage by harmful
molecules called free radicals.
Just half a cup of bean sprouts provides 16 per cent of the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C for a man.
It’s not just dad but baby too who could benefit.
Bean sprouts are packed with folate, a vitamin that prevents neural tube defects, where the baby is born with a damaged brain or spine.
The stir-fry favourite bears an uncanny resemblance to the images we see of ‘swimming’ sperm trying to fertilise an egg. And research from the US suggests they could play an important part in boosting male fertility.
A study at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio showed that to make healthy sperm in large quantities, the body
needs a good supply of vitamin C, a powerful antioxidant that protects cells against damage by harmful
molecules called free radicals.
Just half a cup of bean sprouts provides 16 per cent of the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C for a man.
It’s not just dad but baby too who could benefit.
Bean sprouts are packed with folate, a vitamin that prevents neural tube defects, where the baby is born with a damaged brain or spine.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
For those who like Barley
If you have enjoyed this article and know someone who would enjoy it, would you kindly share it with him or her?
Healing and cleansing with barley.
High in fibre, barley is also a kidney cleanser. Better yet, regular intake of it helps prevent heart disease. BARLEY water was always a regular drink when we were still living at home. Whenever we had to go for a medical exam that included a urine test, my mum would make us drink barley water a day before it to make sure we got a positive result!
My mother was a wise woman. I later found out from an Australian naturopath that barley is known to be a kidney cleanser, and she happily downed glasses of it at a meal we had in a coffee-shop here.
Barley is good for your intestinal health too. Try to eat the barley grains you find in your drink or sweet broth with fu chook (beancurd skin) and ginkgo nuts.
It's high in fibre which feeds the friendly bacteria in the colon and helps speed up the transit of fecal matter in it. In this way it helps prevent haemorrhoids and colon cancer.
The propionic acid and beta glucan from barley's insoluble fibre also help lower cholesterol and prevent the formation of gallstones.
Eating barley regularly is a preventive step against heart disease as, besides the fibre content, it is also high in niacin, a B vitamin good for lowering cholesterol.
Diabetics should eat more barley as the fibre will prevent blood sugar levels from rising too high. It also provides relief from constipation or diarrhoea for those suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Barley is rich in selenium which prevents cancer and relieves symptoms of asthma and arthritis.. It is a good source of manganese, copper and phosphorous.
Malt sugar comes from sprouted barley which, when fermented, is an ingredient in beer and other alcoholic beverages.
Barley, whose Latin name is " hordeum vulgare" , has been cultivated for more than 10,000 years..
Since ancient times, barley has been used for healing purposes and has been known to the Chinese, Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. Athletes in Greece and Rome in those days were known to eat barley bread to give them strength.
Besides the usual things we do with barley, I enjoy having it in a western soup. The larger pearl barley is used and I love the sticky bite of it.
Healing and cleansing with barley.
High in fibre, barley is also a kidney cleanser. Better yet, regular intake of it helps prevent heart disease. BARLEY water was always a regular drink when we were still living at home. Whenever we had to go for a medical exam that included a urine test, my mum would make us drink barley water a day before it to make sure we got a positive result!
My mother was a wise woman. I later found out from an Australian naturopath that barley is known to be a kidney cleanser, and she happily downed glasses of it at a meal we had in a coffee-shop here.
Barley is good for your intestinal health too. Try to eat the barley grains you find in your drink or sweet broth with fu chook (beancurd skin) and ginkgo nuts.
It's high in fibre which feeds the friendly bacteria in the colon and helps speed up the transit of fecal matter in it. In this way it helps prevent haemorrhoids and colon cancer.
The propionic acid and beta glucan from barley's insoluble fibre also help lower cholesterol and prevent the formation of gallstones.
Eating barley regularly is a preventive step against heart disease as, besides the fibre content, it is also high in niacin, a B vitamin good for lowering cholesterol.
Diabetics should eat more barley as the fibre will prevent blood sugar levels from rising too high. It also provides relief from constipation or diarrhoea for those suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Barley is rich in selenium which prevents cancer and relieves symptoms of asthma and arthritis.. It is a good source of manganese, copper and phosphorous.
Malt sugar comes from sprouted barley which, when fermented, is an ingredient in beer and other alcoholic beverages.
Barley, whose Latin name is " hordeum vulgare" , has been cultivated for more than 10,000 years..
Since ancient times, barley has been used for healing purposes and has been known to the Chinese, Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. Athletes in Greece and Rome in those days were known to eat barley bread to give them strength.
Besides the usual things we do with barley, I enjoy having it in a western soup. The larger pearl barley is used and I love the sticky bite of it.
Getting Divorced
Getting Divorced (Adult Joke)
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts with excitement at the top of her lungs, 'My husband has come! My husband has come!
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts with excitement at the top of her lungs, 'My husband has come! My husband has come!
Confucius
I think you might like this:-
Now we know why Confucius was such a great Sage!
世上有两件事很难：
一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋。
二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。
前者成功的叫老师。
后者成功的叫老板。
两者都成功了的叫老婆。
两者都做反的是老公。
In Chinese the words are more striking. Translation loses some of the fine meaning.
A brief translation for those interested:-
Note the word LAO.
Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:-
1. To plant your idea in Someone's head
2. To plant someone's money in your Own pocket.
He who succeeds in the former - we call Teacher - Lao Shi
He who succeeds with the latter - we call Boss - Lao Ban
The one who succeeds in both - we call Wife - Lao Por
The one who fails in both - we call Husband - Lao Gong
Now we know why Confucius was such a great Sage!
世上有两件事很难：
一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋。
二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。
前者成功的叫老师。
后者成功的叫老板。
两者都成功了的叫老婆。
两者都做反的是老公。
In Chinese the words are more striking. Translation loses some of the fine meaning.
A brief translation for those interested:-
Note the word LAO.
Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:-
1. To plant your idea in Someone's head
2. To plant someone's money in your Own pocket.
He who succeeds in the former - we call Teacher - Lao Shi
He who succeeds with the latter - we call Boss - Lao Ban
The one who succeeds in both - we call Wife - Lao Por
The one who fails in both - we call Husband - Lao Gong
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Regardless of your political persuasion
Regardless of your political persuasion, I love the sentiment here!
We must limit politicians to two terms: one in office and one in jail.
We must limit politicians to two terms: one in office and one in jail.
Golf - the 3 Wishes
3 Wishes........
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Female readers - This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers - Please scroll down.
>
>
>
The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Share this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour :)
Smile.......
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Female readers - This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers - Please scroll down.
>
>
>
The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Share this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour :)
Smile.......
For those who like Ginger
A Cancer Killer in the Kitchen - Ginger
The powerful healing effects of ginger have been well documented. It's a proven remedy for upset stomach. Reams of studies show that it inhibits inflammation. And there is substantial evidence that it fights cancer too.
For instance, a recent University of Michigan study showed that when ginger was added to ovarian cancer cells in the laboratory, it caused the cancer cells to self-destruct (a process known as "apoptosis"). In
a separate study at the University of Minnesota , researchers injected colon cancer cells into mice that were bred to have no immune system.
Half of these mice were routinely fed gingerol, the main active component in ginger. The researchers found that the mice that were fed gingerol lived longer, their tumors were smaller, and the cancer did not spread as widely as in the control group.
With all these health benefits, you should be using ginger as often as you can. The best way I've found to get a healthy serving of ginger is to juice it. (The brand of juicer I use is an Omega.) Two or three days a week, I juice an apple or two, some carrots, spinach, broccoli, cabbage, and a big piece of ginger root.
The ginger gives the drink a great flavor and a powerful anti-cancer kick.
I highly recommend that you try it.
The powerful healing effects of ginger have been well documented. It's a proven remedy for upset stomach. Reams of studies show that it inhibits inflammation. And there is substantial evidence that it fights cancer too.
For instance, a recent University of Michigan study showed that when ginger was added to ovarian cancer cells in the laboratory, it caused the cancer cells to self-destruct (a process known as "apoptosis"). In
a separate study at the University of Minnesota , researchers injected colon cancer cells into mice that were bred to have no immune system.
Half of these mice were routinely fed gingerol, the main active component in ginger. The researchers found that the mice that were fed gingerol lived longer, their tumors were smaller, and the cancer did not spread as widely as in the control group.
With all these health benefits, you should be using ginger as often as you can. The best way I've found to get a healthy serving of ginger is to juice it. (The brand of juicer I use is an Omega.) Two or three days a week, I juice an apple or two, some carrots, spinach, broccoli, cabbage, and a big piece of ginger root.
The ginger gives the drink a great flavor and a powerful anti-cancer kick.
I highly recommend that you try it.
Beer and Female Hormones
This is worrying and the reason why I am reducing my alcohol intake.
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women!
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour Period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Share this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer............
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women!
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour Period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Share this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer............
Monday, August 20, 2012
Why condoms comes in boxes of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Muahahahahahahaaaa.............
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Muahahahahahahaaaa.............
Banana and Depression
BANANA (SMILE) – DEPRESSION
Cheer yourself up and put a smile on your face by eating a banana.
The popular fruit contains a protein called tryptophan.
Once it has been digested, tryptophan then gets converted in a chemical neurotransmitter called serotonin.
This is one of the most important mood-regulating chemicals in the brain and most anti-depressant
drugs work by adjusting levels of serotonin production.
Higher levels are associated with better moods..
Cheer yourself up and put a smile on your face by eating a banana.
The popular fruit contains a protein called tryptophan.
Once it has been digested, tryptophan then gets converted in a chemical neurotransmitter called serotonin.
This is one of the most important mood-regulating chemicals in the brain and most anti-depressant
drugs work by adjusting levels of serotonin production.
Higher levels are associated with better moods..
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The difference between Women and Men.
Women are basically greedy. They want ALL things from one man.
While men are so simple. They want only one thing from ALL women!
While men are so simple. They want only one thing from ALL women!
Mushroom and Ear
MUSHROOM – EAR
Slice a mushroom in half and it resembles the shape of the human ear.
And guess what? Adding it to your cooking could actually improve your hearing.
That’s because mushrooms are one of the few foods in our diet that contain vitamin D.
This particular vitamin is important for healthy bones, even the tiny ones in the ear that transmit sound to the brain.
Slice a mushroom in half and it resembles the shape of the human ear.
And guess what? Adding it to your cooking could actually improve your hearing.
That’s because mushrooms are one of the few foods in our diet that contain vitamin D.
This particular vitamin is important for healthy bones, even the tiny ones in the ear that transmit sound to the brain.
Carriers of Aids
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
- HEARING AIDS
- BAND AIDS
- ROLL AIDS
- WALKING AIDS
- MEDICAL AIDS
- GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
- MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
I'm only sharing this to my 'old' friends.
I love to see you smile................
- HEARING AIDS
- BAND AIDS
- ROLL AIDS
- WALKING AIDS
- MEDICAL AIDS
- GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
- MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
I'm only sharing this to my 'old' friends.
I love to see you smile................
A short neurological test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
A Good Dentist
This says a lot about a good dentist!
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy..." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy..." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
Ginger and Stomach
GINGER – STOMACH
Root ginger, commonly sold in supermarkets, often looks just like the stomach.
So it’s interesting that one of its biggest benefits is aiding digestion.
The Chinese have been using it for over 2,000 years to calm the stomach and cure nausea, while it is also a popular remedy for motion sickness.
But the benefits could go much further.
Tests on mice at the University of Minnesota found injecting the chemical that gives ginger its flavour slowed down the growth rate of bowel tumours.
Root ginger, commonly sold in supermarkets, often looks just like the stomach.
So it’s interesting that one of its biggest benefits is aiding digestion.
The Chinese have been using it for over 2,000 years to calm the stomach and cure nausea, while it is also a popular remedy for motion sickness.
But the benefits could go much further.
Tests on mice at the University of Minnesota found injecting the chemical that gives ginger its flavour slowed down the growth rate of bowel tumours.
Friday, August 17, 2012
The Wooden Bowl
The Wooden Bowl
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?'
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note,
I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life.'
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that you should share this with everyone you care about - I just did.
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?'
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note,
I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life.'
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that you should share this with everyone you care about - I just did.
Thomas and his train set
This is the story about Thomas and his train set.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train... Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.'
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train... Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.'
Grapes and Lungs
GRAPES – LUNGS
OUR lungs are made up of branches of ever-smaller airways that finish up with tiny bunches of tissue called alveoli.
These structures, which resemble bunches of grapes, allow oxygen to pass from the lungs to the blood stream.
One reason that very premature babies struggle to survive is that these alveoli do not begin to form until week 23 or 24 of pregnancy.
A diet high in fresh fruit, such as grapes, has been shown to reduce the risk of lung cancer and emphysema.
Grape seeds also contain a chemical called proanthocyanidin, which appears to reduce the severity of asthma triggered by allergy.
OUR lungs are made up of branches of ever-smaller airways that finish up with tiny bunches of tissue called alveoli.
These structures, which resemble bunches of grapes, allow oxygen to pass from the lungs to the blood stream.
One reason that very premature babies struggle to survive is that these alveoli do not begin to form until week 23 or 24 of pregnancy.
A diet high in fresh fruit, such as grapes, has been shown to reduce the risk of lung cancer and emphysema.
Grape seeds also contain a chemical called proanthocyanidin, which appears to reduce the severity of asthma triggered by allergy.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
She will give even MORE!
Whatever you give a woman, she will make it even greater.
If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges,
what is given to her.
So,
if you give her any crap,
be ready to
receive a ton of shit!!!!
If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges,
what is given to her.
So,
if you give her any crap,
be ready to
receive a ton of shit!!!!
Tomato and Heart
TOMATO – HEART
A TOMATO is red and usually has four chambers, just like our heart.
Tomatoes are also a great source of lycopene, a plant chemical that reduces the risk of heart disease and several cancers.
The Women’s Health Study — an American research programme which tracks the health of 40,000 women — found women with the highest blood levels of lycopene had 30 per cent less heart disease than women who had very little lycopene.
Lab experiments have also shown that lycopene helps counter the effect of unhealthy LDL cholesterol.
One Canadian study, published in the journal Experimental Biology and Medicine, said there was “convincing evidence’ that lycopene prevented coronary heart disease.
A TOMATO is red and usually has four chambers, just like our heart.
Tomatoes are also a great source of lycopene, a plant chemical that reduces the risk of heart disease and several cancers.
The Women’s Health Study — an American research programme which tracks the health of 40,000 women — found women with the highest blood levels of lycopene had 30 per cent less heart disease than women who had very little lycopene.
Lab experiments have also shown that lycopene helps counter the effect of unhealthy LDL cholesterol.
One Canadian study, published in the journal Experimental Biology and Medicine, said there was “convincing evidence’ that lycopene prevented coronary heart disease.
Marraige Part 4
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, in fact, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, ‘Mother of Six’?”
His wife, irritated by her husband's rudeness and lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you're ready, ‘Father of Four’.”
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, ‘Mother of Six’?”
His wife, irritated by her husband's rudeness and lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you're ready, ‘Father of Four’.”
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Food Food and more Food!
Dinner Time............
Can't eat pork,
Swine flu...
Can't eat chicken,
Bird flu.
Can't eat Beef,
Mad cow.
Can't eat eggs,
Salmonella.
Can't eat fish,
heavy metal poisons in their waters.
Can't eat fruits and veggies,
insecticides and herbicides.
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves only..........Chocolates and ice cream!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - 'STRESSED' spelled backwards! is 'DESSERTS'
Can't eat pork,
Swine flu...
Can't eat chicken,
Bird flu.
Can't eat Beef,
Mad cow.
Can't eat eggs,
Salmonella.
Can't eat fish,
heavy metal poisons in their waters.
Can't eat fruits and veggies,
insecticides and herbicides.
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves only..........Chocolates and ice cream!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - 'STRESSED' spelled backwards! is 'DESSERTS'
Happy Drinking!!!
Happy Drinking!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer 'scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer 'scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Walnut and Brain
WALNUT – BRAIN
THE gnarled folds of a walnut mimic the appearance of a human brain - and provide a clue to the benefits.
Walnuts are the only nuts which contain significant amounts of omega-3 fatty acids.
They may also help head off dementia. An American study found that walnut extract broke down the protein-based plaques associated with Alzheimer’s disease.
Researchers at Tufts University in Boston found walnuts reversed some signs of brain ageing in rats.
THE gnarled folds of a walnut mimic the appearance of a human brain - and provide a clue to the benefits.
Walnuts are the only nuts which contain significant amounts of omega-3 fatty acids.
They may also help head off dementia. An American study found that walnut extract broke down the protein-based plaques associated with Alzheimer’s disease.
Researchers at Tufts University in Boston found walnuts reversed some signs of brain ageing in rats.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Marraige Part 3
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no damned good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no damned good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
There is no charge for LOVE.
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,"Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands. Show your friends how much you care…..now.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,"Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands. Show your friends how much you care…..now.
Seniors are valuable citizens too
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
1. We have silver in our hair.
2. We have gold in our teeth.
3. We have stones in our kidneys.
4. We have lead in our feet, and remember also that
5. We are loaded with natural gas!
Share this with friends! Everyone needs one good laugh a day!
1. We have silver in our hair.
2. We have gold in our teeth.
3. We have stones in our kidneys.
4. We have lead in our feet, and remember also that
5. We are loaded with natural gas!
Share this with friends! Everyone needs one good laugh a day!
To be 6 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!'
The moral of the story ---Even when we men are listening, we are gonna get it wrong!
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!'
The moral of the story ---Even when we men are listening, we are gonna get it wrong!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Marraige Part 2
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!”
'Oh Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!”
'Oh Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Best quote of the decade
Judge : When do you first realize you have been raped?
Prostitute (wiping away tears) : When the cheque bounced.
Golf - Why it is better than sex.
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09..... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05.... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09..... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05.... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it
Golf - What it all means
This explains it all .
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .
Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up .You swing left and the ball goes right .The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball .In Golf, you have to play your foul balls .
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain , the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ........ your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, very rarely make a perfect shot .
The term ' mulligan ' is really a contraction of the phrase ' maul it again .'
A ' gimme ' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well .
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ' gimme putt ', you might wish to reconsider this game .
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil .
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .
Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up .You swing left and the ball goes right .The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball .In Golf, you have to play your foul balls .
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain , the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ........ your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, very rarely make a perfect shot .
The term ' mulligan ' is really a contraction of the phrase ' maul it again .'
A ' gimme ' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well .
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ' gimme putt ', you might wish to reconsider this game .
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil .
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Now everyone can drink
Arriving in a hotel in KL Sentral he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Ringgit please, Uncle Tony."
Somewhat taken aback, Uncle Tony replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest draught in Asia"
"That is remarkable value" Uncle Tony comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Ringgit please."
Uncle Tony scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Ringgit. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Ringgit"
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Uncle Tony attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame, you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of RM 4 for your seat sir"
Tony swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Ringgit"
Uncle Tony was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Ringgit please." Uncle's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Uncle Tony"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 sen per second provided you use Bar Talk, using other mobile carriers would incur our normal charges of 30 Sen per second.
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK Uncle, but remember, we are the only bar in Asia selling pints for one Ringgit...so that now everyone can drink "
Somewhat taken aback, Uncle Tony replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest draught in Asia"
"That is remarkable value" Uncle Tony comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Ringgit please."
Uncle Tony scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Ringgit. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Ringgit"
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Uncle Tony attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame, you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of RM 4 for your seat sir"
Tony swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Ringgit"
Uncle Tony was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Ringgit please." Uncle's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Uncle Tony"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 sen per second provided you use Bar Talk, using other mobile carriers would incur our normal charges of 30 Sen per second.
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK Uncle, but remember, we are the only bar in Asia selling pints for one Ringgit...so that now everyone can drink "
At The Interview
Kampung Boy attending an interview for a job at a Software Company.
Manager: Do you know MS Office?
Kampung Boy: If you give me the address, I will go there sir.
Manager: Do you know MS Office?
Kampung Boy: If you give me the address, I will go there sir.
STROKE – Indicators everyone should know about!
A possible situation.
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall. She assured everyone that she was fine (They offered to call paramedics). She said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.
Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital. At 6:00 pm Ingrid passed away. She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ.
Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
A Neurologist Opinion
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
Identifying the Symptoms
This is one information that everyone should know about.
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE, coherently. (i.e. It is sunny out today.)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue... If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other, that is also a possible indication of a stroke.
Memorise these – it may help you save a friend’s life.
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall. She assured everyone that she was fine (They offered to call paramedics). She said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.
Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital. At 6:00 pm Ingrid passed away. She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ.
Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
A Neurologist Opinion
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
Identifying the Symptoms
This is one information that everyone should know about.
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE, coherently. (i.e. It is sunny out today.)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue... If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other, that is also a possible indication of a stroke.
Memorise these – it may help you save a friend’s life.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
This was voted 'Best short joke for 2008'
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!!!
Some smart student!
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!!!
Some smart student!
The Wit of an Old Lady
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves, to relax her.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves, to relax her.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
On a Plane To Bombay
Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay.
While its landing he shouted: " Bombay..Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"
While its landing he shouted: " Bombay..Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"
Friday, August 10, 2012
Marraige Part 1
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
Where have we gone wrong?
One evening not too long ago, me and the wife decided to eat out. The following sequence of events occured;
Broom! Broom! (once inside the car).
Me : Hey....where should we go for dinner?
Wife : Up to you, dear.
Me : Let's have Chicken Rice. I am craving for it.
Wife : We always go there. Aren't you sick of it?
Me : How about the new dry Bah Kut Teh at the Airport roundabout?
Wife : Bah Kut Teh for dinner? What are you thinking? It's too fattening!
Me : Let's eat at the Miri Cafe then? Just order what you like....
Wife : I wouldn't know what to order......
Me : Porridge?
Wife : Too expensive. And it's not that good!
Me : Instant Noodles?
Wife : Too little. ANd I don't like it.
Me : Fish noodle up the road then?
Wife : The vendor is not that clean, unhygenic. Yuk!
Me : BBQ at rumah asap down E-Mart way?
Wife : That smokey place! My hair will stink after that! Don't you know? Use your brain!
Me : OK, let's go to the food centre then.
Wife : It's now past 9 pm. There wouldn't be anything left! Idiot!
Screeecchhh! (braking soiund)
Wife : Why do you stop the car???
Me : So where should we go for dinner?
Wife : I already said, Up To You lah.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Broom! Broom! (once inside the car).
Me : Hey....where should we go for dinner?
Wife : Up to you, dear.
Me : Let's have Chicken Rice. I am craving for it.
Wife : We always go there. Aren't you sick of it?
Me : How about the new dry Bah Kut Teh at the Airport roundabout?
Wife : Bah Kut Teh for dinner? What are you thinking? It's too fattening!
Me : Let's eat at the Miri Cafe then? Just order what you like....
Wife : I wouldn't know what to order......
Me : Porridge?
Wife : Too expensive. And it's not that good!
Me : Instant Noodles?
Wife : Too little. ANd I don't like it.
Me : Fish noodle up the road then?
Wife : The vendor is not that clean, unhygenic. Yuk!
Me : BBQ at rumah asap down E-Mart way?
Wife : That smokey place! My hair will stink after that! Don't you know? Use your brain!
Me : OK, let's go to the food centre then.
Wife : It's now past 9 pm. There wouldn't be anything left! Idiot!
Screeecchhh! (braking soiund)
Wife : Why do you stop the car???
Me : So where should we go for dinner?
Wife : I already said, Up To You lah.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
A Man without a Shame
Judge: Don't you have any shame? It is the 3rd time you are in court.
Man : You come to court daily yourself, don't YOU have any shame?
Man : You come to court daily yourself, don't YOU have any shame?
The Human Equation
A friend sent this human equation to me not long ago. I thought it quite enlighthening so I have decided to share it with you all...
Human = Eat + Sleep + Work + Enjoy
But,
Donkey = Eat + Sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + Work + Enjoy
Therefore,
Human - Enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words, a human that doesn't know how to Enjoy = Donkey that only know how to Work!
So kawan2, do make sure you have work - life balance!
Human = Eat + Sleep + Work + Enjoy
But,
Donkey = Eat + Sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + Work + Enjoy
Therefore,
Human - Enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words, a human that doesn't know how to Enjoy = Donkey that only know how to Work!
So kawan2, do make sure you have work - life balance!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
What used to be Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'..
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'..
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
A woman's view of men
Men are like....
Men are like Laxatives - They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
Men are like Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like Laxatives - They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
Men are like Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
The Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except..."The Magic Penis!'
The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, the door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the Wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her, over shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam, Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'
The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except..."The Magic Penis!'
The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, the door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the Wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her, over shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam, Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'
A Medical Check-Up
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy. "I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a mug of beer and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 70-years-old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 90 years old," says the golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer ! "
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 70 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 108 years old," says the golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married !! Why would a 108 year old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
"He had to because she was pregnant with his child !"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy. "I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a mug of beer and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 70-years-old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 90 years old," says the golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer ! "
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 70 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 108 years old," says the golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married !! Why would a 108 year old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
"He had to because she was pregnant with his child !"
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Are You Drinking the Right Tea?
Good info. Are you drinking the right tea?
1. People who use their 'brain' to work or students who study hard day and night.
--- Should drink more Chrysanthemum Tea.
2. People who need a lot of body energy to work or those people who exercise a lot everyday.
--- Should drink Wu Loong Tea.
3. People who travel on a bike or work in dirty and polluted places.
--- Should drink Green Tea.
4. For people who like to sit down all day long and not do anything, even exercising
--- Must drink Green Tea and Flower Tea.
5. People who smoke and drink a lot of alcoholic drinks.
--- Should drink more Green Tea.
6. Carnivore (i.e. People who must eat meat at least once a day, or feel sickly)
--- Try to drink some Wu Loong Tea.
7. People who go to the washroom too often or not often enough.
--- Should drink more Honey Tea
8. People with high cholesterol and high blood pressure.
--- Wu Loong Tea, Green Tea.
9. Those who work with computers everyday.
--- Need to drink a Lot of Tea (any tea will do).
Whenever you are working with the computer, you should make some tea; drink it when you are free.
Drinking Tea is healthy, it can protect and prevent the harmful Ultraviolet light from harming us (when using computer).
Furthermore, it can also relief us when we are tired and help make our body feel fresh again.
1. People who use their 'brain' to work or students who study hard day and night.
--- Should drink more Chrysanthemum Tea.
2. People who need a lot of body energy to work or those people who exercise a lot everyday.
--- Should drink Wu Loong Tea.
3. People who travel on a bike or work in dirty and polluted places.
--- Should drink Green Tea.
4. For people who like to sit down all day long and not do anything, even exercising
--- Must drink Green Tea and Flower Tea.
5. People who smoke and drink a lot of alcoholic drinks.
--- Should drink more Green Tea.
6. Carnivore (i.e. People who must eat meat at least once a day, or feel sickly)
--- Try to drink some Wu Loong Tea.
7. People who go to the washroom too often or not often enough.
--- Should drink more Honey Tea
8. People with high cholesterol and high blood pressure.
--- Wu Loong Tea, Green Tea.
9. Those who work with computers everyday.
--- Need to drink a Lot of Tea (any tea will do).
Whenever you are working with the computer, you should make some tea; drink it when you are free.
Drinking Tea is healthy, it can protect and prevent the harmful Ultraviolet light from harming us (when using computer).
Furthermore, it can also relief us when we are tired and help make our body feel fresh again.
A Bunny Story
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls... You must be a POLITICIAN'
Hahahahahaaaaaaaa........
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls... You must be a POLITICIAN'
Hahahahahaaaaaaaa........
Golfers Don't Run for President
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
One Evening in an Elevator
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
What used to be Top Joke in the UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Life ends when.......
Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!
ENJOY! and keep smiling...................
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Some very good and bad things ..................
The most destructive habit - Worry
The greatest Joy - Giving
The greatest loss - Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work - Helping others
The ugliest personality trait - Selfishness
The most endangered species - Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource - Our youth
The greatest 'shot in the arm' - Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome - Fear
The most effective sleeping pill - Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease - Excuses
The most powerful force in life - Love
The most dangerous act - A gossip
The world's most incredible computer - The brain
The worst thing to be without - Hope
The deadliest weapon - The tongue
The two most power-filled words - 'I Can'
The greatest asset - Faith
The most worthless emotion - Self- pity
The most beautiful attire - SMILE!
The most prized possession - Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication - Prayer
The most contagious spirit - Enthusiasm
The balance sheet of Life
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Monday, August 6, 2012
What used to be Top Joke in the USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
Socialism
Simple Analogy.
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.
That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said: -
"OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.
That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said: -
"OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Black & White
A black guy and a white girl met at a nightclub. She took him to her apartment and said breathlessly:
"Quick, tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
Without hesistation he tied her securely to her bed and... ran off with her HDTV.
"Quick, tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
Without hesistation he tied her securely to her bed and... ran off with her HDTV.
The Oldest Animal
Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Boy : A Zebra , Sir.
Teacher: How come?
Boy: Because it is Black and White.
Boy : A Zebra , Sir.
Teacher: How come?
Boy: Because it is Black and White.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Wine Tasting
To celebrate summer, Oakwood Residences organised a BBQ cum wine tasting dinner for long term guests.
A Golfer's Honeymoon
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!
The Ant and the Grasshopper
An ant worked hard in the sweltering heat all summer, building its nest and laying up supplies for the winter.
A grasshopper thought the ant was stupid not knowing how to enjoy life. It spent its days laughing, singing & dancing thoroughly enjoying the summer.
Came winter, the ant was warm, comfortable and had no shortage of food.
The grasshopper had no proper shelter, no stored food, and couldn't find anything to eat from the snow-covered ground. So it died and the story ended.
Moral - Be responsible for yourself!
A grasshopper thought the ant was stupid not knowing how to enjoy life. It spent its days laughing, singing & dancing thoroughly enjoying the summer.
Came winter, the ant was warm, comfortable and had no shortage of food.
The grasshopper had no proper shelter, no stored food, and couldn't find anything to eat from the snow-covered ground. So it died and the story ended.
Moral - Be responsible for yourself!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Something better than the Credit Card
A man's little brother is better than a credit card.
Why?
1. Once spent it recharges itself.
2. It is accepted worldwide.
3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
Mua hahahahaha.....
Why?
1. Once spent it recharges itself.
2. It is accepted worldwide.
3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
Mua hahahahaha.....
Desirable Things
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
One day at the Beach
Banta was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?'
Banta answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Banta answered, 'No No .....Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Banta was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
Banta slapped him on his face and said, 'Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
Banta answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Banta answered, 'No No .....Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Banta was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
Banta slapped him on his face and said, 'Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
Murphy’s Law extended
1. Everyone has a scheme of getting rich, which never works.
2. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is still late...
3. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper price.
4. Anything dropped on the floor, will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
5. As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it is taken... if it is bad, it happens!
6. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always
have the most complex of transactions.
7. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
8. After a long wait for bus no. 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together
and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
9. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
2. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is still late...
3. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper price.
4. Anything dropped on the floor, will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
5. As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it is taken... if it is bad, it happens!
6. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always
have the most complex of transactions.
7. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
8. After a long wait for bus no. 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together
and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
9. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The young Law Student
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
What used to be Top Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
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