Sunday, March 30, 2014
What Religion is your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up tothe woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'
Mary
A man is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.
"How much do you charge?", asks the man.
Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."
Man says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."
The man then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel. A short time later, the man is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"
Mary replies, "RM1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Mary then says, while signalling the man to come closer to her. "Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail? I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"
And the poor man, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. The man can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience. He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"
Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" the man shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"
"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy.
"How much do you charge?", asks the man.
Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."
Man says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."
The man then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel. A short time later, the man is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"
Mary replies, "RM1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Mary then says, while signalling the man to come closer to her. "Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail? I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"
And the poor man, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. The man can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience. He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"
Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" the man shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"
"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy.
America - land of opportunity
How it works......... IN THE USA
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 am .
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
He shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN SWITZERLAND) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with GAS (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN TAIWAN), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA ??
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA?
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 am .
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
He shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN SWITZERLAND) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with GAS (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN TAIWAN), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA ??
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA?
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Funny 2 Liners
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted. Alcohol is a perfect solvent:It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
They say that alcohol kills slowly.So what? Who's in a hurry ?
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.Never drink and derive
One nice thing about egotists:They don't talk about other people.
There was a man who said,"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
They say that alcohol kills slowly.So what? Who's in a hurry ?
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.Never drink and derive
One nice thing about egotists:They don't talk about other people.
There was a man who said,"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
English is such a wierd language
We'll begin with a box.......and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Lastly, if people from Poland are Poles, then people from Holland should be Holes and the Germans Germs!!!
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Lastly, if people from Poland are Poles, then people from Holland should be Holes and the Germans Germs!!!
More Two Liners
Shorts Takes............
1
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in:
She said: Cheque books.
2
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
3
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
4
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
5
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
6
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
7
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
8
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
9
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
10
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."
1
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in:
She said: Cheque books.
2
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
3
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
4
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
5
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
6
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
7
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
8
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
9
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
10
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The Bar Regular
MID-WEEK HUMOR - 3 GLASSES OF BEER CELEBRATION
Kuldip Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "Why you always order 3 glasses."
Kuldip Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits this is a nice custom.
Kuldip Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.
After 3 months, one nite, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."
Kuldip Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no, Everyone's fine; both my brothers are still alive and healthy. The only thing is - I HAVE QUIT DRINKING, BUT BOTH MY JERK BROTHERS HAVEN'T !!
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