A Christmas Carol

Alice came up with this Christmas carol for 2008 (sung to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

Once Upon a Time in Canada

A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Chinamen.

The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the Chinese pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said,” this duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy??”

The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “this ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license??”

The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.


The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “this ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license??”

Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Chinese “just where the hell are you from??”

 The Chinese smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said, ” you tell me, you are the expert.”-

A good analogy on life's challenges and how we respond.

Eye > Brain?

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that too.)

On Getting Older

Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.


1. Going Out is good. Coming Home is better!

2. You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you !!!

3. You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ....especially shooting straight and trying to catch a fish.

4. The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

5. You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

6. You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

7. You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

8. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

9. You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

10. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

11. Everybody whispers.

12. You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.

The Onion and the christmas tree

Christmas eve............................

The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.' Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to brighten up their day !!!

A Second Opinion

The doctor said, ' Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Jo e and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.’

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

No Brains?

Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)

Taste with your feet?

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

When without money

When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.

When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

Why I Am Divorced...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.

Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & Congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home. NOW THAT”S STRESS!

After 50 yrs of Marraige

A couple had been married for 50 years.


They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

This should start your day off on a good note. Nice to have a good laugh early.

Soya Bean

All of us know that soyabean drink provides good protein to our body... but many of us don't know that there are certain days we should avoid drinking it.

Soya bean drinks are best consumed on hot sunny days when the sun is strong. The soya milk will give lots of nutrients to the body as the body is able to absorb the protein well.

However, avoid the drink when the weather is cloudy or raining. Taking the drink in that weather, the body will not be able to take in the protein and will result in a disease called ‘GOUT’ or 'high acidic urine' due to the high protein residue in the body, after a long run.

This disease will cause pain to your knee joints and it will only be in control when you control your food intake of proteins and medication. The pain is unbearable and usually you will have no idea what you have taken to cause the pain. Food like soya beans, anchovies, broccoli, spinach, peanuts, & n esp animal organs ( i.e. pork liver) etc will have to be avoided to prevent the pain from attacking.

So my friend, pass this to your family, relatives and friends to keep an alert on the pros and cons of soya bean milk and when it is to be taken and to be avoided.

The Simple Truth 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

The Accident

They had an accident. Both of their cars are totaled but neither of them is hurt. The man is yelling about lousy women drivers.


Woman: “There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign that we should be friends.'

Man: ”Maybe you are right but you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

Woman: 'Look…another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever...Don't mess with them.

There is only one perfect.....

There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.


There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has it.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up their senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

A Day at the Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.


'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied .

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario."

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

The Nude Sunbather

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, 'What's under there?'

The man answers, 'A bird.'

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?'

The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven ?’

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list.

He says to the Priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom..

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'Up here — we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached — people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’

The Farm Boy

A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door


"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Doing 3 knots

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.


He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'

The 1st Time

It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

Breathing Thru Your Butts?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

The panty vs. the stage curtain

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?


Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the panty... it's SHOWTIME.

What is Life About?

What is life about?

At one, YOU are the top priority
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
At thirty, a good career is top priority
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
At seventy, remembering something is top priority
At eighty, moving around is top priority
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

Wishing you all happiness! Be good

Beware when giving advise to teenagers

Mom : Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "don't", and if he touches your pussy say "stop"!


Girl : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

The importance of Knowledge

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man in his eighties who had been fixing ships since he was a young man. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully from top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there watching this man and hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... $ 2.00

Knowing where to tap.......... ......... $ 9,998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

After 40 yrs of Marraige

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

Why do people pray?

Sometimes Prayers doesn't change the situation, but it changes our attitude towards situation, and gives us the hopes which changes our entire Life.

Playing magic

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.


She says: What is that?

He says: We go home, make love, and then you disappear.

A Lesson Worth Replicating

Beggar 1 : I had a grand dinner yesterday.

Beggar 2 : How?

Beggar 1 : Someone gave me a RM 100 note yesterday. I went to the KL Tower Revolving Restaurant and ordered wine and dinner worth RM 1,000, and thoroughly enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money. The manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him. I gave the RM 100 note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

Isn't that a wonderful example of financial management?!!!

Success

" Success is just like being pregnant...
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how
many times you were fucked ! "

Have a beautiful day.......

Everything in life is temporary.

Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.

Even sunrise is temporary.........and so is sunset.

If things are going good enjoy it... it won't last forever.

And if things are going bad, dont worry coz it won't last forever either.

Everything just passes by...

Have a beautiful day!

Sunday

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Facts of Life

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's thingy and say "Good job".
Moral of the story - Hard work is never appreciated.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss does not do it, he is busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative.

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss, He is cooperating.

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, He's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, He's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, He must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, He never forgets.

What to do?

Something to ponder on.

Something to ponder on . . . . if you have nothing better to do.

Best quote of the year by Brazilian Medicine Nobel prize winner oncologist  ... Drauzio Varella

"Today, we are spending 5 times more money in medications for male virility and female silicone than in finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. In a few years, we'll have old women with big breasts and men with hard penises, but they won't remember their use,"

The recently married couple

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

When it's time to change the Oil

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running'.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something. Another one!'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

The Car Keys

Some days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my Car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "Honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, can you come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's getting like that. The golden years.

the coal basket

An old Farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young grandson. Each morning Grand Pa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bible. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could. One day the grandson asked, ' Grand pa! I try to read the Bible just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bible do?' The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, 'Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water.' The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, 'You'll have to move a little faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again. At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house. The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, 'See Grand pa, it's useless!' 'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.' The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out. 'Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside.”   Amen.

who says the world is fair?

On being labeled ‘Coloured’ * This poem was nominated as the best poem of 2006, Written by an African Kid. When I born, I black When I grow up, I black When I go in Sun, I black When I scared, I black When I sick, I black And when I die, I still black   And you white fellow When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you go in sun, you red When you cold, you blue When you scared, you             yellow When you sick, you green And when you die, you gray And you calling me colored??

on being csught speeding

On being caught speeding. An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...   Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.   The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!! Don't Mess With Old Ladies If you want to brighten someone's day, share this on to someone you know. I just did!

The Duplicate Key

Man: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key

Doctor: When?

Man: 3 Months Ago

Doctor: Wat were u doing till now?

Man : We were using duplicate key