If Yesterday didn't end up the way u planned... Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him.
Everything in life is temporary...
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary..
And so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it...
It won't last forever
And if things are going bad Dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy new year
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Wishing all my friends a happy and prosperous new year...............
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Wishing all my friends a happy and prosperous new year...............
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Ah Chong
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
Birthplace
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Birthplace
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Children again and again!
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Shakespeare
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
Job hunting
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job hunting
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Children again!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Children!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
At the diner
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card
How old is yr father?
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Love
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
The thieves
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
Getting Old
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so old, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
.............................
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
.............................
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages!
Man's English
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Lets have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing I am a deep person and would like to have sex with you
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m Gay
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Lets have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing I am a deep person and would like to have sex with you
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m Gay
Woman's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need ...... = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Whatever! Go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Your so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now and it’s not that!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need ...... = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Whatever! Go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Your so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now and it’s not that!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
He put four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of semen. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the followingresults:
The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead
Third worm in semen -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation -- "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
AMEN!!
He put four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of semen. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the followingresults:
The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead
Third worm in semen -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation -- "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
AMEN!!
Woman talk!
Woman Talk
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
The affair
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000".
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000".
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A lesson
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. SeeingGod, she asked "Is my time up?".
God said, "No, you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of theambulance?"
>
>
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God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
God said, "No, you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of theambulance?"
>
>
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God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
The virus
There is a new virus - code name "Work".
If you receive "work" from your colleagues , your boss , via e-mail , phone or anywhere else , do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will soon find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
..............nnnjoyyyyy
If you receive "work" from your colleagues , your boss , via e-mail , phone or anywhere else , do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
1) Put on your jacket
2) Round up two good friends
3) Go straight to the nearest pub
4) Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will soon find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
..............nnnjoyyyyy
The rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the MALE side.
These are our rules:- Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, Not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know You are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
These are our rules:- Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, Not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know You are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
Do's and don'ts of the zodiac signs
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
DO'S Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arian, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DON'TS Do not tell an Aries that she/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of color and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current .
Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
Leo ( July 2 3 - Aug 2 2 )
DO'S If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. However, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DON'TS Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DON'TS Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
DO'S Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks .
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided .
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DON'TS Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).
DO'S Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arian, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).
DON'TS Do not tell an Aries that she/he may be wrong. Any such statement may stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smoldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
DO'S Stability and dependability characterize Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of color and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.
DON'TS Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
DO'S Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humor will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.
DON'TS Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current .
Cancer (Jun22 - July 22)
DO'S Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.
DON'TS Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realize that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.
Leo ( July 2 3 - Aug 2 2 )
DO'S If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be center of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).
DON'TS Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept22)
DO'S Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. However, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasize more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realize that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.
DON'TS Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the center stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
DO'S Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
DON'TS Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
DO'S Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.
DON'TS Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unaware. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
DO'S Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.
DON'TS Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks .
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
DO'S Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their color. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.
DON'TS Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided .
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 21)
DO'S Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.
DON'TS Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 21)
DO'S Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).
DON'TS Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).
Fanquevallemud
Telephone conversation at a hotel in Hong Kong :
Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing??
G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing??
G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Telephone conversation at a hotel in Hong Kong : Room Service RS: Moling! Loom sirfesee
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing?? G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Guest G : Yes......
RS : Dju witch true odor somefing?? G : Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS : How July it done peace?
G : What??
RS: How July it done?... Fi, boy?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Howbow bkan?
G : Crisp will be fine.
RS: O light. An some DOS?
G: What?
RS : Dosee. July some DOS?
G : I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means.
RS: Mmm...............Toes! toes!...
G : O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?
RS: Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?
G : English muffin! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: Copy?
G : Sorry?
RS: Copy...Mill...all T?
G : Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??
G : Well....Whatever you say.
RS: Fanquevallemud !
G : You're welcome.
Friday, December 26, 2008
What goes to heaven first?
And now for the over 18s.............
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part ofyour body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,"OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part ofyour body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,"OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
The Onion and the christmas tree
Christmas eve............................
The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to brighten up their day !!!
The family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Send it out to all your girlfriends and guy friends who needs a laugh to brighten up their day !!!
Engrish signs around the world
In a Bangkok temple:IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
The smart arse student
Enjoy this one and have a good day!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer...Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat
and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
Merry Christmas and have a ball of a new year.............................
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The
principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer...Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat
and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
Merry Christmas and have a ball of a new year.............................
Monday, December 1, 2008
Golf
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began toapologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' theman replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began toapologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' theman replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
Have a beautiful day.......
Everything in life is temporary.
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary.........and so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it... it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad, dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Have a beautiful day!
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day.
Even sunrise is temporary.........and so is sunset.
If things are going good enjoy it... it won't last forever.
And if things are going bad, dont worry coz it won't last forever either.
Everything just passes by...
Have a beautiful day!
Yesterday, Today....
If Yesterday didn't end up the way u planned...
Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him
Just remember...
GOD created today for u to start a new one....
GOD gives the best to those who leave the choice to him
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