"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more."
"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into he swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
**** long pause***
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool ??? Is this 597-7039?"
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dinner conversation went wrong
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "okay, ... I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would???" (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, ...she's left-handed."
Wife: (silence)
Husband: "Oh...Shit."
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "okay, ... I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would???" (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, ...she's left-handed."
Wife: (silence)
Husband: "Oh...Shit."
After 20 years
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. " You impotent bastard, " she screamed at him, " how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:" I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."
She goes completely ballistic. " You impotent bastard, " she screamed at him, " how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:" I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."
Friday, August 29, 2008
Gotta Love Old Men!
Jeff, wassup in Sidney? Thanks for the below......funny lah!
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A Mouse Story
Thank you Kevin for this inspiring tale. Hope KL life is good for you...........
A mouse looked through the Crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. ”What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the Warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap In the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you. But it is of no consequence to me and cannot be bothered by it.
"The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a Mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.
" The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a Mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!". The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well and died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it don't concern you, Remember - When one of us is threatened, We are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called LIFE. OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.
A mouse looked through the Crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. ”What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the Warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap In the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you. But it is of no consequence to me and cannot be bothered by it.
"The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a Mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.
" The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a Mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!". The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well and died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it don't concern you, Remember - When one of us is threatened, We are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called LIFE. OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.
Test for Dementia
A contribution from a friend working in Aberdeen, Scotland...........
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are....Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question:If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... ....Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Muahahahahahaha......
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are....Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question:If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... ....Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Muahahahahahaha......
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A Dictionary
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Wishes
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop Here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: (Please scroll down).
The man had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop Here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: (Please scroll down).
The man had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
The Thing
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Listening In
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
Enough said!!!
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
Enough said!!!
In the Courtroom
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
1. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
4. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
10. ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
14. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an a utopsy on him!
17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
1. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
4. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
10. ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
14. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an a utopsy on him!
17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Shorties 2
Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.
1st: How’s yours look like?
2nd She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours.
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and attress
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means,
With Idiot For Ever!!!"
Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are.
Teacher u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack and our driver ran away.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, "All these kids are yours ???"
Man said "No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential.
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident.
Your friend is also my son, that's confidential.
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
1st: How’s yours look like?
2nd She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours.
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and attress
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means,
With Idiot For Ever!!!"
Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are.
Teacher u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack and our driver ran away.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, "All these kids are yours ???"
Man said "No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential.
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident.
Your friend is also my son, that's confidential.
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Women's Perspective
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Not a Monk
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
(But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk).
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
(But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk).
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Mayonaise Jar
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle; when 24 hours in a day are not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entirecontents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things --your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained; your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter; like your job, your house and your car.The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first --the things that really matter-- Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem; there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Thanks Marcus, for a very inspiring story.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entirecontents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things --your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained; your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter; like your job, your house and your car.The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first --the things that really matter-- Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem; there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Thanks Marcus, for a very inspiring story.
Shorties
Miscellaneous contributions...............
Wife: Honey.... What are You Looking for ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.
Q : What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A : One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter WHO left you a fortune"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
He then replies: "Thanks for the warning."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me; my pretty face or my body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.”
Wife: Honey.... What are You Looking for ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.
Q : What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A : One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter WHO left you a fortune"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
He then replies: "Thanks for the warning."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me; my pretty face or my body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.”
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Mid Life Crisis
Mid life stories courtesy of a friend from Australia.......
Mid Life Crisis 1
Having been married 37 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 28 year old babe. Now, we have a big house, nice cars, big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 28 year old babe, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
Mid Life Crisis 2
Wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband. 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought.
Apparently he's dead now. The woman on the other hand got a blue weighing machine!
Mid Life Crisis 1
Having been married 37 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 28 year old babe. Now, we have a big house, nice cars, big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 28 year old babe, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
Mid Life Crisis 2
Wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband. 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought.
Apparently he's dead now. The woman on the other hand got a blue weighing machine!
Management for Dummies
The below lessons were shared with me by a Finance friend. Throughout the years I have tried to be guided by them. I hope you find them interesting... and also putting a smile on your face.
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you RM800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her RM800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
Man "Who was that?"
Wife "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
Man "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the RM800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
Nun "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
Nun "Father, remember Psalm 129?" she said again.
Priest "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
Genie "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Admin Clerk “Me first! Me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
Sales Rep “Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
Genie "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
Manager "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle.
Rabbit "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
Eagle "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you RM800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her RM800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
Man "Who was that?"
Wife "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
Man "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the RM800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
Nun "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
Nun "Father, remember Psalm 129?" she said again.
Priest "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
Genie "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Admin Clerk “Me first! Me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
Sales Rep “Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
Genie "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
Manager "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle.
Rabbit "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
Eagle "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Little Johnny 1
1. TEACHER : Why are you late?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
LITTLE JOHNNY : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
2. TEACHER : Little Johnny, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
LITTLE JOHNNY : You told me to do it without using tables!
3. TEACHER : Little Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
LITTLE JOHNNY : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
LITTLE JOHNNY : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
4. TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
LITTLE JOHNNY : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
5. TEACHER : Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
LITTLE JOHNNY : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Little Johnny!
6. TEACHER : Little Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn'thave ten years ago.
LITTLE JOHNNY : Me!
7. TEACHER : Little Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
8. LITTLE JOHNNY : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Your name on this report card.
9. TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Don't bite any.
10. TEACHER : Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
LITTLE JOHNNY : I is...
TEACHER : No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."
LITTLE JOHNNY : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
11. TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
LITTLE JOHNNY : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, sametime."
12. TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherrytree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn'tpunish him?"
LITTLE JOHNNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
13. LITTLE JOHNNY : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
14. TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green andone is blue with red spots!
LITTLE JOHNNY : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
15. TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Brotherly love?
16. TEACHER : Now, Little Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
LITTLE JOHNNY : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
17. TEACHER : Little Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
LITTLE JOHNNY : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
18. TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
LITTLE JOHNNY : A teacher
LITTLE JOHNNY : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
LITTLE JOHNNY : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
2. TEACHER : Little Johnny, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
LITTLE JOHNNY : You told me to do it without using tables!
3. TEACHER : Little Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
LITTLE JOHNNY : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
LITTLE JOHNNY : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
4. TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
LITTLE JOHNNY : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
5. TEACHER : Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
LITTLE JOHNNY : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Little Johnny!
6. TEACHER : Little Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn'thave ten years ago.
LITTLE JOHNNY : Me!
7. TEACHER : Little Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
8. LITTLE JOHNNY : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Your name on this report card.
9. TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Don't bite any.
10. TEACHER : Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
LITTLE JOHNNY : I is...
TEACHER : No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."
LITTLE JOHNNY : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
11. TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
LITTLE JOHNNY : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, sametime."
12. TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherrytree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn'tpunish him?"
LITTLE JOHNNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
13. LITTLE JOHNNY : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
14. TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green andone is blue with red spots!
LITTLE JOHNNY : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
15. TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Brotherly love?
16. TEACHER : Now, Little Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
LITTLE JOHNNY : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
17. TEACHER : Little Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
LITTLE JOHNNY : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
18. TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
LITTLE JOHNNY : A teacher
Why I fired my Secretary
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children , and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... ... naked.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children , and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... ... naked.
Monday, August 18, 2008
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758. If you haven't, add 1757. 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.). The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
Please take note however that THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758. If you haven't, add 1757. 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.). The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
Please take note however that THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK.
Men's Perspective?
David Bissonette: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together
Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Sam Kinison: "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran: "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Sonn: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
As the saying goes it is not over till it is over. Have a great day my friends. I hope I have brought a smile to your face. Keep smiling and life is more enjoyable...
Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together
Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Sam Kinison: "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran: "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Sonn: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
As the saying goes it is not over till it is over. Have a great day my friends. I hope I have brought a smile to your face. Keep smiling and life is more enjoyable...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The funny side of everyday life
I used to think that woman have no sense of humour where certain subjects are concerned but I was proven wrong when I got these gems the other day.........enjoy
1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job. 99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!
2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman? They give like hell. They do not yell.They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.
3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart: Cause men see better than they think.
4. Woman's Quote of the Day:Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need: a HEART to love him, a DIAMOND to marry him, a CLUB to smash his head in, and a SPADE to bury him!
6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist? He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
8. What is the strongest muscle? The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour? The arsehole is always in front of you.
10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain? When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So... how do you like using second hand stuff?The new husband replied: It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.
12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?' She said, 'You wanted space.. now fly off!'
13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope. Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went golfing.
Buah hahhahahahahah......................
Life can be fun!
1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job. 99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!
2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman? They give like hell. They do not yell.They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.
3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart: Cause men see better than they think.
4. Woman's Quote of the Day:Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need: a HEART to love him, a DIAMOND to marry him, a CLUB to smash his head in, and a SPADE to bury him!
6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist? He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
8. What is the strongest muscle? The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour? The arsehole is always in front of you.
10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain? When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So... how do you like using second hand stuff?The new husband replied: It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.
12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, 'What the hell do I want with a rocket?' She said, 'You wanted space.. now fly off!'
13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope. Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went golfing.
Buah hahhahahahahah......................
Life can be fun!
Somethings you didn't know about handphones
Emails can also be a source information you will never know otherwise...........like these things you probably never knew your mobile phones could do. In times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
FIRST Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having todrive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phon! e: * # 0 6 #A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
These are the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.
FIRST Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having todrive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phon! e: * # 0 6 #A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
These are the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The Son
Once in a while, somebody will send me something that makes you wonder.....
There is this one, which I think is great. Take a moment to read it, it will make your day! The ending will surprise you. ........
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.'
The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.
He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?' There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.' But the auctioneer persisted.. 'Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?' Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!' But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?' Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. 'We have $10, who will bid $20?' 'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.' '$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?' The crowd was becoming angry.. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!' The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.' 'What about the paintings?' 'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?' Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything. Please send this to ten people and back to the one who sent it to you. Do whatever you like, but remember that maybe 'one' of the people you might have taken the time to send this to, may be just the person who needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make.'
There is this one, which I think is great. Take a moment to read it, it will make your day! The ending will surprise you. ........
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.'
The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.
He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?' There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.' But the auctioneer persisted.. 'Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?' Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!' But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?' Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. 'We have $10, who will bid $20?' 'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.' '$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?' The crowd was becoming angry.. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!' The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.' 'What about the paintings?' 'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?' Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything. Please send this to ten people and back to the one who sent it to you. Do whatever you like, but remember that maybe 'one' of the people you might have taken the time to send this to, may be just the person who needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make.'
Beer anyone?
This is worrying..........
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released theresults of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each session, for a week. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released theresults of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each session, for a week. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Friday, August 15, 2008
The giant waiter joke
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again; maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: [looks away, then back] No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: [tries fork] Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: What are your "table" settings? Have you tried reversing the position of your knife and spoon?
Patron: [makes the switch] That doesn't do anything.
Waiter: This might be a server problem. Lots of these things are server problems.
Patron: YOU'RE MY SERVER! THIS IS NOT A SERVER PROBLEM!!!
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Did you change the flavor settings? Did you alter the salt or pepper content?
Patron: No. I'm soup illiterate. I only eat it the way it comes.[sneezes]
Waiter: Have you checked it for viruses?
Patron: I got it from you.
Waiter: Yes, but have you downloaded anything else into the soup?
Patron: Just crackers.
Waiter: And where did you get the crackers?
Patron: FROM YOU! THEY CAME WITH THE SOUP!!
Waiter You did take the cellophane off first before inserting the crackers, didn't you?
Patron: YES!!
Waiter: They should be okay then. Hmmm. Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato 2001.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and hurry. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato release time had to be revised to accommodate changes to the recipe.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup! Waiter! Waiter! [sees a bus boy] Hey, you, where's my waiter?
Bus Boy: I'm sorry; all of our waiters are currently busy. They are helping other customers. The estimated time until your waiter is free is eighteen minutes.
Patron: I can't wait that long. Listen, could you just bring me a sandwich? I need to go and I can't leave without eating.
Bus Boy: Sir, I'm a bus boy. I can't take orders or carry food. You could access a sandwich on our self-service help counter.
Patron: Please, just for me. I'll give you an extra five dollars.
Bus Boy: What kind of sandwich?
Patron: Roast beef.
Bus Boy: I'll get it for you right away.
[Enter Waiter]
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, this meal has performed an illegal operation and will have to be shut down. [Glares at the bus boy, who slinks off. Confiscates the soup. Hands the patron the check.] Your check, sir.
Patron: What's this? "Soup of the Day $5.00... Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50... Access to Support $2.00 ... TOTAL: $9.50 + Tax ... Gratuity not included."
Gratuity?! I tell you, he's not getting more than a buck!
Waiter: Excuse me sir. You forgot your fly.
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again; maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: [looks away, then back] No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: [tries fork] Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: What are your "table" settings? Have you tried reversing the position of your knife and spoon?
Patron: [makes the switch] That doesn't do anything.
Waiter: This might be a server problem. Lots of these things are server problems.
Patron: YOU'RE MY SERVER! THIS IS NOT A SERVER PROBLEM!!!
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Did you change the flavor settings? Did you alter the salt or pepper content?
Patron: No. I'm soup illiterate. I only eat it the way it comes.[sneezes]
Waiter: Have you checked it for viruses?
Patron: I got it from you.
Waiter: Yes, but have you downloaded anything else into the soup?
Patron: Just crackers.
Waiter: And where did you get the crackers?
Patron: FROM YOU! THEY CAME WITH THE SOUP!!
Waiter You did take the cellophane off first before inserting the crackers, didn't you?
Patron: YES!!
Waiter: They should be okay then. Hmmm. Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato 2001.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and hurry. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato release time had to be revised to accommodate changes to the recipe.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup! Waiter! Waiter! [sees a bus boy] Hey, you, where's my waiter?
Bus Boy: I'm sorry; all of our waiters are currently busy. They are helping other customers. The estimated time until your waiter is free is eighteen minutes.
Patron: I can't wait that long. Listen, could you just bring me a sandwich? I need to go and I can't leave without eating.
Bus Boy: Sir, I'm a bus boy. I can't take orders or carry food. You could access a sandwich on our self-service help counter.
Patron: Please, just for me. I'll give you an extra five dollars.
Bus Boy: What kind of sandwich?
Patron: Roast beef.
Bus Boy: I'll get it for you right away.
[Enter Waiter]
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, this meal has performed an illegal operation and will have to be shut down. [Glares at the bus boy, who slinks off. Confiscates the soup. Hands the patron the check.] Your check, sir.
Patron: What's this? "Soup of the Day $5.00... Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50... Access to Support $2.00 ... TOTAL: $9.50 + Tax ... Gratuity not included."
Gratuity?! I tell you, he's not getting more than a buck!
Waiter: Excuse me sir. You forgot your fly.
Wife or Girlfriend
Difference between wife & girlfriend
Do you agree with the following statements:
Some people say : Wife is a HARIMAU ............... GIRLFRIEND is HARI HARI MAHU
And some say : Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP) At home watch TV, go out bring HP. No money, sell TV. Got money change HP. Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP. TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time. Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding. Most Important, TV got remote. HP don't have. Last but not least.......> > TV do not have virus, but h/p yes..........have VIRUS.............once get it, HABIS LA. .... hahahahaha...... so better choose TV
Do you agree with the following statements:
Some people say : Wife is a HARIMAU ............... GIRLFRIEND is HARI HARI MAHU
And some say : Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP) At home watch TV, go out bring HP. No money, sell TV. Got money change HP. Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP. TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time. Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding. Most Important, TV got remote. HP don't have. Last but not least.......> > TV do not have virus, but h/p yes..........have VIRUS.............once get it, HABIS LA. .... hahahahaha...... so better choose TV
About marriage
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
Tips on Parenting
A mother was wor king in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembar king the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smo king on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembar king the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smo king on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
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