Thanks Diewo for this contribution......
Two ITALIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two AMERICAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two FRENCH men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
They killed the lady to have each other.
Two THAI men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two FILIPINO men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two INDONESIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
The second man swam to another island to look for jobs.
Two MALAYSIAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other man because she was rejected by both.
Two SINGAPOREAN men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
The two men did nothing because there is no instruction from the GOVERNMENT.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Valentines Day Messages
Next time you are short of a good message, try these..............
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too.
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness, pray to God ask him to free u from darkness.
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
P/S: Hahahahahahahahaha..........don't angry, just kidding.
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too.
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness, pray to God ask him to free u from darkness.
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
P/S: Hahahahahahahahaha..........don't angry, just kidding.
Chinglish
You may like this. I find it hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric ....
Ah Kau was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Kau was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Women!!!!!
From Kevin, a confirmed bachelor..........
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A Glass of Milk
From my 'sister' James......he always calls me sister for whatever reasons...........
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ... "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ... "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
Effort - Something to think about
Received from Renuga of KL.................
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix
the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ........................ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix
the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ........................ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.
Good Friends
Yet another one from Alice........
On Orchard Road at a busy bus stop, a beautiful Singaporean young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, an Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Australian smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
Muahahahaha.................
On Orchard Road at a busy bus stop, a beautiful Singaporean young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, an Australian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Australian smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
Muahahahaha.................
The Mistress
Another one from Alice
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress”.
" Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress”.
" Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
Working Smart
from Alice of Singapore
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Son
At 4am the next morning, government agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son
The moral of the story: Work smart not hard. Using your brain, in the perceived impossible, sometimes it can make the impossible possible.........
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Son
At 4am the next morning, government agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son
The moral of the story: Work smart not hard. Using your brain, in the perceived impossible, sometimes it can make the impossible possible.........
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Joke of the month
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$1,000."
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$5,000."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$1,000."
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$5,000."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Priest
A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
The funny side of life 2
1st incident.......
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts".
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
2nd incident........
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night".
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts".
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
2nd incident........
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night".
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Friday, September 12, 2008
September Health Tip - Your Liver
Take care of your HEALTH.
The main causes of liver damage are:
1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause. 2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store. We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'
The main causes of liver damage are:
1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause. 2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store. We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to 'schedule.'
48 questions answered
1.What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
41. Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches
So they can look like their mother.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Hahahahahaha........just kidding lah.
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the Ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
41. Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches
So they can look like their mother.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Hahahahahaha........just kidding lah.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The funny side of life 1
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.......or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did……….
1. From an office colleague..........
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
2. From a lady golfer friend........
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".
Hahahahaha..........hopefully that helps to put a smile on your face!
1. From an office colleague..........
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
2. From a lady golfer friend........
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls".
Hahahahaha..........hopefully that helps to put a smile on your face!
I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l.l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t ..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l.l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e.d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e w..a..s l..i.c..k..i..n..g h.i.s..ba.l.l.s
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l.l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t ..h..e r..i...n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W..e..l.l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e.d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e w..a..s l..i.c..k..i..n..g h.i.s..ba.l.l.s
Monday, September 8, 2008
A point to ponder
"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place".
SHAN
SHAN
Why I take up golf
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company - Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company - Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE - Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator - Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement. shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street - Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company - Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company - Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE - Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator - Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement. shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street - Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However: In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Turtles
This story is a lesson in life from Ramasamy.
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place for their outing.
During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.
Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He finally agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years. Six years. Then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich.
At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "SEE! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt!"
Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. Turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place for their outing.
During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.
Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He finally agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years. Six years. Then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich.
At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "SEE! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt!"
Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.
How old is your mummy?
Received from an Accountant friend recently......
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
hahahahahahahaha.........
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
hahahahahahahaha.........
Friday, September 5, 2008
Isn't she cute?
One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one of her favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Hahahahahahahaha........................ooops!
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Hahahahahahahaha........................ooops!
How smart is your right foot?
Just try this..............It is from an orthopedic surgeon...........................
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your right foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!!
1. While sitting where you are , at your desk, in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
I told you so!!!! And there's nothing you can do about it. You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your buddies, to frustrate them also.
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your right foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!!
1. While sitting where you are , at your desk, in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
I told you so!!!! And there's nothing you can do about it. You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your buddies, to frustrate them also.
Water or Liquor??
Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and, be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. Thank Alice of Singapore for the contribution. Also.....I'm doing it as a public service......
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and, be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. Thank Alice of Singapore for the contribution. Also.....I'm doing it as a public service......
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Life Explained
Life explained courtesy of Jeff from Australia........
God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God then created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
Then, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God then created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you..
God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God then created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
Then, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God then created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you..
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
And something for the above 18 yrs.......
Hahaha1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER
Hahaha2. There once lived 3 Roosters - normal, retarded and a gay. All crow in a different way.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
Hahaha3. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
Hahaha4. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
Hahaha5. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
Hahaha6. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
Hahaha7. Why do Indians talk non stop?
guess....
Still dunno?
OK lah.....
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead.
Courtesy of My. Yong, a happy go lucky sort of guy!
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER
Hahaha2. There once lived 3 Roosters - normal, retarded and a gay. All crow in a different way.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
Hahaha3. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
Hahaha4. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
Hahaha5. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
Hahaha6. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
Hahaha7. Why do Indians talk non stop?
guess....
Still dunno?
OK lah.....
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead.
Courtesy of My. Yong, a happy go lucky sort of guy!
Impossible
Iena, I like your slogan very much. It is something that everybody should believe in. Quoted below for sharing........
"Nothing in this world is IMPOSSIBLE.
becoz the word IMPOSSIBLE itself says I M POSSIBLE
Keep smiling always"
"Nothing in this world is IMPOSSIBLE.
becoz the word IMPOSSIBLE itself says I M POSSIBLE
Keep smiling always"
For those of us without any household alarm system
This is a really cool idea from my friend Joe.
Next time you come home for the night and before you put your keys away, think of this -It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, just press the panic alarm on your car key chain.
Test it .
It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in to your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around.....after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.
Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it. Just know that you must press the alarm button again to turn it off.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there..... This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
Be safe and stay safe my friends...........
Next time you come home for the night and before you put your keys away, think of this -It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, just press the panic alarm on your car key chain.
Test it .
It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in to your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around.....after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that.
Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it. Just know that you must press the alarm button again to turn it off.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there..... This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
Be safe and stay safe my friends...........
Bean
Courtesy of Joe from Miri........
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean four asterisks (****)!
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean four asterisks (****)!
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
Monday, September 1, 2008
A lawyer's kindness
Contributed by a Lawyer friend frim Miri.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."
Shorties 3
A collection of short jokes from a HR lady......terima kasih.
1. Break Into the House
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
2. Lost Wife
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
3. Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
4. Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
5. Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"
6. Dream
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".
1. Break Into the House
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
2. Lost Wife
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
3. Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
4. Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
5. Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"
6. Dream
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".
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