I am home schooled

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

My Lan Chau

We have our Kolo mee. Vietnam have their Ramen.

Banana Tariff Plan

Outside the TNB Office, a banana vendor was selling bananas....

TNB Officer asks - Whats the price of Banana?
Vendor - Let me know where you'll use them?
TNB Officer -  what do u mean? ! ! !

Vendor-
If u are taking to temple, then its RM1.00 per kg
To Orphanage is RM1.50 per kg
For school children is RM 2.00per kg        
If u take home is RM 2.50per kg
And For restaurant is RM 5.00 per kg.....

TNB officer-
How can this be .. All bananas are the same, then why difference in price?

Vendor -
This is my banana tariff plan.  Even you TNB people selling the same electricity but for home, shop, factory, u people charge different tariffs..

The marriage therapist

After 35 years of marriage, a couple went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrows. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

The Pastor’s Salary

The Pastor's Salary.....            

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise.  
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke thus:
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear raincoats!"
The entire congregation said: 'Amen.'

Happy mother’s day

To all the mothers out there, happy mother’s day. Without you none of us will be here!

How to improve lifespan

The organization chart

During my life living in the Cubicle. Our organization chart almost always looks like this....

The Nest

The Nest is a recently opened Coffee House in The Times Square area of town. This morning we had the chance to try their breakfast menu - I had  one of their smashed avocado on crisp buttered sour dough signature selections.

The above photo shows my choice of smashed avocados, soft poached egg, grilled English bacon, glazed with hollandaise sauce and pan roasted cherry tomatoes.

An astrologer’s prediction

Believe in your Astrologer..........

The Senior’s special

$2.99 SPECIAL

I love it!

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet...God willing, someday you will be...

The 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress..

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!

Always laugh when you can - it's cheaper than medicine!

Management Lessons from nature

Two Minutes Management Course (Worth Thousands Of Ringgit)

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your Two (2)-Minutes Management Course.😄😃

Men will be men

*Men Do Not Listen* 👏🏻

Max and his wife Lola received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study "Modern Biochemistry" overseas.

She wrote, "My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger, and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. *Please, take only a drop.* Goodbye I love you!"

They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.

Max looked at his wife and said, "You go first."

Lola took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Max immediately did the same.

Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother... she is younger and happier, and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.

"Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don't listen! He drank the whole bottle."

"Whaaat! Where is he?"

"Who do you think is on my back?"

😅😂🤣😅😂🤣😅😂🤣

What is sex?

Photo of the year