A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
Friday, January 24, 2014
women's language for beginners
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Whatever! Go ahead = I don’t want you to
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate= Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now and it’s not that!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
the 10/90 principle
Discover the 90/10 Principle.
It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations).
What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.
What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.
How? ……….By your reaction.
You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.
Let's use an example.
You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.
What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus.
Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.
After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.
When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is “D".
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have and should have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.
Notice the difference?
Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.
Why?
Because of how you REACTED.
You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you!
React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?
WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.
You are told you lost your job.
Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.
The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on.
Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.
Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.
The result?
Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.
It CAN change your life!!!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The Guy with One Stone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Everyone knows......
You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Everyone knows......
You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
He said to me......
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . ..Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Share this with all the women who needs a laugh and to the guys you think can handle it!
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . ..Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Share this with all the women who needs a laugh and to the guys you think can handle it!
the gender of objects
You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere...you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft...squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5,000 years...they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push....he just keeps trying……………..
Monday, January 20, 2014
a round of winter golf
Winter golfing is sn experience in Beijing. The only club that claims to provide all year round golf is Beijing Country Club. Experience golf in a brren landscape, where ponds are frozen, the tee box, fairways and green are hard as rock .......
What is a Kiss?
What is a KISS?
It's an upper preparation for a lower invasion that will lead to further penetration with fast acceleration that will help build the next generation.
It's an upper preparation for a lower invasion that will lead to further penetration with fast acceleration that will help build the next generation.
When life becomes serious
When life becomes serious, a man becomes less cause and greater effect.
If life gets really serious, his value drops to practically zero.
Driving a car can become such serious business that one can wreck the car.
Running a business can become so serious as to make it fail.
There is a direct connection between insanity and seriousness.
It is only when an individual progresses in life to a point where much seriousness is attached to things that he begins to have a hard time. The ancient Italian really knew what he was about when he considered that the only psychotherapy was laughter.
— L. Ron Hubbard
If life gets really serious, his value drops to practically zero.
Driving a car can become such serious business that one can wreck the car.
Running a business can become so serious as to make it fail.
There is a direct connection between insanity and seriousness.
It is only when an individual progresses in life to a point where much seriousness is attached to things that he begins to have a hard time. The ancient Italian really knew what he was about when he considered that the only psychotherapy was laughter.
— L. Ron Hubbard
The Mistress
A boss, in order to keep a mistress, bought a house in Shengzhen in 2005 for her to live in plus a monthly allowance of 5000 yuan.
The house cost him about 500,000 (half a million) yuan. He sold the house in 2010 for 3.2 million yuan, after he broke off from his mistress.
A quick calculation : After 5 years of free fling with the woman, he still had a nett gain of 2.4 million yuan.
When his wife found out about this, she was extremely mad and gave him a big scolding : Why the hell you kept only one mistress!
Behind Every Successful Man Is A Business-Minded Wife.
The house cost him about 500,000 (half a million) yuan. He sold the house in 2010 for 3.2 million yuan, after he broke off from his mistress.
A quick calculation : After 5 years of free fling with the woman, he still had a nett gain of 2.4 million yuan.
When his wife found out about this, she was extremely mad and gave him a big scolding : Why the hell you kept only one mistress!
Behind Every Successful Man Is A Business-Minded Wife.
A Farewell Gift?
Have a nice day....
At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
David, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,
"If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause....
Martha age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will give him sex!!"
There is total silence. Rev Roberto blushing, asks her:
"Martha, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Martha's 70-year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Fuck him!"
At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
David, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,
"If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause....
Martha age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will give him sex!!"
There is total silence. Rev Roberto blushing, asks her:
"Martha, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Martha's 70-year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Fuck him!"
History of the middle finger
Well, now......here' s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing
Sunday, January 19, 2014
ritan park
kids with their fathers fishing
peek-a-boo?
the building on the lake is actually a well known cafe,,,,,sorry, i forget what it is called already. getting senile with age i guess!
some women practising tai chi at the park.
Two Whales
A variation Order is subject to agreement by both paarties.
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale,
"They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale,
"They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
3 Babies
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
The man replied : No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
The man replied : No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
A Big Fish in a Small Pond
Abdul grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia,and then moved away to Kuala Lumpur to do his law degree. After graduating, he decided to go back to Kota Baru, because he could be a ‘big fish in a small pond’ there and he really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
On his first day, he saw a man coming towards his new office. He decided to make a big impression on this potential new client. As the man open the office door Abdul picked up the phone and motioned for the man to come in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The phone conversation went on for a few minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Abdul rattled instructions. Finally, Abdul puts down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man said, “I just came to connect your phone sir.”
On his first day, he saw a man coming towards his new office. He decided to make a big impression on this potential new client. As the man open the office door Abdul picked up the phone and motioned for the man to come in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The phone conversation went on for a few minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Abdul rattled instructions. Finally, Abdul puts down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man said, “I just came to connect your phone sir.”
The Simple Truth 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
A Duck's Tale
A True Duck Story from San Antonio, Texas.
Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story office. Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched.
Michael worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water, which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching. Tuesday morning, Michael watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the perch with the intent to show them how to jump off. Office work came to a standstill as everyone gathered to watch.
The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In disbelief Michael watched as the first fuzzy newborn trustingly toddled to the edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below. Michael couldn't stand to watch this risky effort nine more times! He dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first obedient duckling, near its mother, was resting in a stupor after the near-fatal fall. Michael stood out of sight under the awning-planter, ready to help.
As the second one took the plunge, Michael jumped forward and caught it with his bare hands before it hit the concrete. Safe and sound, he set it down it by its momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from that painful leap. (The momma must have sensed that Michael was trying to help her babies.)
One by one the babies continued to jump.. Each time Michael hid under the awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall. At the scene the busy downtown sidewalk traffic came to a standstill.. Time after time, Michael was able to catch the remaining eight and set them by their approving mother.
At this point Michael realized the duck family had only made part of its dangerous journey. They had two full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks, curbs and past pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the San Antonio River , site of the famed "River Walk." The on looking office secretaries and several San Antonio police officers joined in. An empty copy-paper box was brought to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them, with the mother's approval, and loaded them in the container. Michael held the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated through the downtown streets toward the San Antonio River . The mother waddled behind and kept her babies in sight, all the way.
As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping in the river and quacking loudly. At the water's edge, Michael tipped the box and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to the waiting mother after their adventurous ride.
All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up snugly to momma. Michael said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the beaming bank bookkeeper, and proudly quacking.
Like all of us in the big times of our life, they never could have made it alone without lots of helping hands. I think it gives the name of San Antonio's famous "River Walk" a whole new meaning! Maybe you will want to share this story with others.
Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story office. Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched.
Michael worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water, which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching. Tuesday morning, Michael watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the perch with the intent to show them how to jump off. Office work came to a standstill as everyone gathered to watch.
The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In disbelief Michael watched as the first fuzzy newborn trustingly toddled to the edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below. Michael couldn't stand to watch this risky effort nine more times! He dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first obedient duckling, near its mother, was resting in a stupor after the near-fatal fall. Michael stood out of sight under the awning-planter, ready to help.
As the second one took the plunge, Michael jumped forward and caught it with his bare hands before it hit the concrete. Safe and sound, he set it down it by its momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from that painful leap. (The momma must have sensed that Michael was trying to help her babies.)
One by one the babies continued to jump.. Each time Michael hid under the awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall. At the scene the busy downtown sidewalk traffic came to a standstill.. Time after time, Michael was able to catch the remaining eight and set them by their approving mother.
At this point Michael realized the duck family had only made part of its dangerous journey. They had two full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks, curbs and past pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the San Antonio River , site of the famed "River Walk." The on looking office secretaries and several San Antonio police officers joined in. An empty copy-paper box was brought to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them, with the mother's approval, and loaded them in the container. Michael held the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated through the downtown streets toward the San Antonio River . The mother waddled behind and kept her babies in sight, all the way.
As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping in the river and quacking loudly. At the water's edge, Michael tipped the box and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to the waiting mother after their adventurous ride.
All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up snugly to momma. Michael said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the beaming bank bookkeeper, and proudly quacking.
Like all of us in the big times of our life, they never could have made it alone without lots of helping hands. I think it gives the name of San Antonio's famous "River Walk" a whole new meaning! Maybe you will want to share this story with others.
A politician, a little girl and a conversation.
A Politician was seated next to a little girl in an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Politician. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book............
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Politician. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book............
Chinese Philosphy
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn baby
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to become famous
When have money, keep dogs.
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn baby
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to become famous
Saturday, January 18, 2014
One evening inside a lift
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel llift and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
Mistress
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
What do Men do after Sex?
What men do after sex?
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
Saturday
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Two Business Men
Two businessmen in the centre of Town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
Friday, January 17, 2014
To all my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer or liquor such as tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor.
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service!
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer or liquor such as tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor.
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are totally not equipped for these kinds of fight.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are totally not equipped for these kinds of fight.
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
Yeah, but they all walk and don’t drive any cars.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
Yeah, but they all walk and don’t drive any cars.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Lau Pa Sak
I heard a lot about this so called authentic Singapore hawker food place in the Sanlitun area. Stephen Pang took me there....the prawn mee that I tried was not that authentic!
Office Sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson : Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson : Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Once Upon a Time in Paris
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window
and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window
and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
A Viagra Story
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting Their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked About using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should Take one Dad; they're very strong And very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to Try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"
The son said, "I don't think you should Take one Dad; they're very strong And very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to Try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"
798 Art District, Beijing
Spent an afternoon 2 weekends ago with Stephan Pang st the famed Beijing Srt District. A chilly winter's day sat the now popular touristy part of Beijing.
It used to be full of old factories and warehouses but the decision by some smart people to turn it into an arty place definitely psid off.
It is now home to some chic eateries....
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The Parrot
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?"
The owner said it was $250. "$250." the man said. "Well what does he do?"
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2007", responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, "$500; he not only knows Office 2007, but is an expert computer programmer."
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000".
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him *"BOSS"!!*
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?"
The owner said it was $250. "$250." the man said. "Well what does he do?"
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2007", responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, "$500; he not only knows Office 2007, but is an expert computer programmer."
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000".
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him *"BOSS"!!*
On the 5 January 2014, I had a taste of winter golfing in Beijing. It was sunny, but freezing cold, -2deg to 3deg. The course was barren, not a speck of green anywhere. The ponds were frozen. The ground frosty and hard like stone - so hard that the caddies have to use nails to make a hole in the ground to place the tees.
Trying to take a divot in the fairways was near impossible but when you hit good, the distance is unbelievable.
I really enjoyed the experience.
3 Friends
An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian Chinese are in a bar one night having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.
He says "Tiu Nia Ma! In KL we have so many Indons and Banglas that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.
He says "Tiu Nia Ma! In KL we have so many Indons and Banglas that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
The MRT
Ah Beng was on his way home in the MRT train when the MRT tunnel collapsed and he was trapped inside the train amongst the rubble..
When they finally dug deep enough into the rubble and reached Ah Beng nearly 3 weeks later, Ah Beng was already dead.
A subsequent autopsy revealed that Ah Beng was initially alive and had completely no body injury but eventually died of prolonged period of thirst and hunger.
However, there were bags of food (including biscuits) and drinks in Ah Beng's hands when he was found dead in the MRT and they have not been touched. A receipt found on Ah Beng's dead body revealed that Ah Beng went shopping for food and drinks before taking the ill-fated MRT train.
So why did Ah Beng still die of thirst and hunger when he had food and drinks with him in the train?
"No food and Drinks allowed on the Train, Fine $500"
When they finally dug deep enough into the rubble and reached Ah Beng nearly 3 weeks later, Ah Beng was already dead.
A subsequent autopsy revealed that Ah Beng was initially alive and had completely no body injury but eventually died of prolonged period of thirst and hunger.
However, there were bags of food (including biscuits) and drinks in Ah Beng's hands when he was found dead in the MRT and they have not been touched. A receipt found on Ah Beng's dead body revealed that Ah Beng went shopping for food and drinks before taking the ill-fated MRT train.
So why did Ah Beng still die of thirst and hunger when he had food and drinks with him in the train?
"No food and Drinks allowed on the Train, Fine $500"
Monday, January 13, 2014
2 liner jokes
# 1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
#2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
#3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
#2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
#3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
Maria
Maria is a devoted wife. She gets married and has 7 children. Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries, and over the following years has another 5 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born, her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:
"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replied "I mean her legs !!! ".
A few weeks later she remarries, and over the following years has another 5 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born, her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:
"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replied "I mean her legs !!! ".
Two Business Men
Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
A lifetime of Worrying?
This is one man's account.......
Is there a magic cut off period when offsprings become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head and asked, 'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't! worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
Is there a magic cut off period when offsprings become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head and asked, 'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't! worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
magical ligthing in guomao
They put up the lights way back last november 2013 for xmas. It think it will remain as is through the lunar new year and till march 2014.
Simply magical ahh?
Gong xi fa cai.
Friday, January 10, 2014
The Psychiatrist
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So one day I went to see a Pyschiatrist about it.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!
Sooooo forget about all those Psychiatrists, go have a drink at the pub and talk to your barman......
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!
Sooooo forget about all those Psychiatrists, go have a drink at the pub and talk to your barman......
8 Clues to Happiness
A very interesting perspective on Happiness, attributed to one Khushwant Singh.
Having lived a reasonably contented life, this man was musing over what a person should strive for to achieve happiness. He drew up a list of a few essentials which he put forward for the readers' appraisal.
1. First and foremost is GOOD HEALTH.
If you do not enjoy good health you can never be happy. Any ailment, however trivial, will deduct from your happiness.
2. Second, A HEALTHY BANK BALANCE.
It need not run into millions but should be enough to provide for creature comforts and something to spare for recreation, like eating out, going to the pictures, travelling or going on holidays on the hills or by the sea. Shortage of money can be only demoralizing. Living on credit or borrowing is demeaning and lowers one in one's own eyes.
3. Third, A HOME OF YOUR OWN.
Rented premises can never give you the snug feeling of a nest which is yours for keeps that a home provides: if it has a garden space, all the better. Plant your own trees and flowers, see them grow and blossom, cultivate a sense of kinship with them.
4. Fourth, AN UNDERSTANDING COMPANION,
be it your spouse or a friend. If there are too many misunderstandings, they will rob you of your peace of mind. It is better to be divorced than to bicker all the time.
5. Fifth, LACK OF ENVY
towards those who have done better than you in life; risen higher, made more money, or earned more fame. Envy can be very corroding; avoid comparing yourself with others.
6. Sixth, DO NOT ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE
to descend on you for gup-shup. By the time you get rid of them, you will feel exhausted and poisoned by their gossip-mongering.
7. Seventh, CULTIVATE SOME HOBBIES
which can bring you a sense of fulfilment, such as gardening, reading, writing, painting, playing or listening to music. Going to clubs or parties to get free drinks or to meet celebrities is criminal waste of time.
8. Eighth, every morning and evening, devote 15 minutes to INTROSPECTION.
In the morning, 10 minutes should be spent on stilling the mind and then five in listing things you have to do that day. In the evening, five minutes to still the mind again, and ten to go over what you had undertaken to do.
RICHNESS is not earning more, spending more or saving more, RICHNESS IS WHEN YOU NEED NO MORE !!
Having lived a reasonably contented life, this man was musing over what a person should strive for to achieve happiness. He drew up a list of a few essentials which he put forward for the readers' appraisal.
1. First and foremost is GOOD HEALTH.
If you do not enjoy good health you can never be happy. Any ailment, however trivial, will deduct from your happiness.
2. Second, A HEALTHY BANK BALANCE.
It need not run into millions but should be enough to provide for creature comforts and something to spare for recreation, like eating out, going to the pictures, travelling or going on holidays on the hills or by the sea. Shortage of money can be only demoralizing. Living on credit or borrowing is demeaning and lowers one in one's own eyes.
3. Third, A HOME OF YOUR OWN.
Rented premises can never give you the snug feeling of a nest which is yours for keeps that a home provides: if it has a garden space, all the better. Plant your own trees and flowers, see them grow and blossom, cultivate a sense of kinship with them.
4. Fourth, AN UNDERSTANDING COMPANION,
be it your spouse or a friend. If there are too many misunderstandings, they will rob you of your peace of mind. It is better to be divorced than to bicker all the time.
5. Fifth, LACK OF ENVY
towards those who have done better than you in life; risen higher, made more money, or earned more fame. Envy can be very corroding; avoid comparing yourself with others.
6. Sixth, DO NOT ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE
to descend on you for gup-shup. By the time you get rid of them, you will feel exhausted and poisoned by their gossip-mongering.
7. Seventh, CULTIVATE SOME HOBBIES
which can bring you a sense of fulfilment, such as gardening, reading, writing, painting, playing or listening to music. Going to clubs or parties to get free drinks or to meet celebrities is criminal waste of time.
8. Eighth, every morning and evening, devote 15 minutes to INTROSPECTION.
In the morning, 10 minutes should be spent on stilling the mind and then five in listing things you have to do that day. In the evening, five minutes to still the mind again, and ten to go over what you had undertaken to do.
RICHNESS is not earning more, spending more or saving more, RICHNESS IS WHEN YOU NEED NO MORE !!
For all you Drivers
Drivers, Be Aware!
You can't clean away smashed eggs on the windscreen with the wiper and sprayed water. Please take notice of this.
If you are driving at night and are attacked with eggs, do not operate the wiper and spray any water.
Because eggs mixed with water become milky and block your vision up to 92.5%. Then you are forced to stop at the road side and become a victim of robbers.
This is a new technique used by robbers in Johor Bahru.
You can't clean away smashed eggs on the windscreen with the wiper and sprayed water. Please take notice of this.
If you are driving at night and are attacked with eggs, do not operate the wiper and spray any water.
Because eggs mixed with water become milky and block your vision up to 92.5%. Then you are forced to stop at the road side and become a victim of robbers.
This is a new technique used by robbers in Johor Bahru.
A Poem for you
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Believe it or not?
Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
35th Wedding Anniversary
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and -- pouf! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- pouf! -- the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember fairies are female
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and -- pouf! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- pouf! -- the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember fairies are female
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Taxi Driver
A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in London one night. The driver keeps staring and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady..............I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me???
Woman: "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady..............I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me???
Viagra in powder form
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Two Whales
An variation order is subjected to agreements by both parties.
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Crabs On a plane
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to th entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn!
Stress Relievers - part 2
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
" How was your blind date ? " a college student asked her roommate."
" Terrible ! " the roommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that ? "
"He was the original owner."
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: " I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: " Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the warning."
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with ? "
Wife replied: " Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others !"
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side!"
A malaysian tourist in london
Johan, a 'young' Malaysian tourist on his first visit to London, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks away quickly.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked forsomething so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Johan. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Johan and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit,giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Johan leansforward and whispers in her ear,
scroll down
" Can I pay in Malaysian Ringgit?"
Thursday, January 2, 2014
The wife's photo
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why ?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
On Sharing
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
On giving up your seat to a Lady
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
On coming home late
Wife: " What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: " Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife: " What ? At 2 am ? "
Husband: " Yes, We used night clubs."
on being pamela anderson
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side!
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