Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
Monday, July 30, 2012
Faith
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!
An Orange and an Apple
Teacher : What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Pupil : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE
Pupil : Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE
Mobile Bill
Man: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Man: Stupid, not CURRENT bill, my MOBILE bill.
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Man: Stupid, not CURRENT bill, my MOBILE bill.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
A cat goes to school
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "Tonight, I will eat your pussy".
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "Tonight, I will eat your pussy".
A Mother's Love
After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park , forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree.
Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.
The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast...because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.
The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast...because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
Women
Fact of life:
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!
Abraham Lincoln once proclaimed -
Abraham Lincoln said the same as Dr. Rodgers when he proclaimed -
"You cannot make the weak strong by making the strong weak!"
"You cannot make the weak strong by making the strong weak!"
May your life be full of happiness!
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
A father and his son
Just sharing........that nothing is impossible in life!
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant
his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to him and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant
his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to him and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Me.....Attitude problem?
I don't have an attitude problem.....perhaps you have a perception problem.
Memories.....of days gone by.
All those Born in the 40's, 50's , 60's & early '70s... attributed to Patrick Teoh.
First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time. They took aspirin, candies floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.
We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle. We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us.
We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes. With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours.
We catch guppy in drains / canals and when it rain we swim there. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually worry about being unhygenic.
We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies, bread and real butter and drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/ tea, ice kacang, but we weren't overweight because.......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, till streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. AND WE DONT HAVE HANDPHONES TO BUG US. And we were O.K. AND WE WERE SAFE.
We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden scooters out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, X-boxes, Nintendo's, multiple channels on cable TV, no TV even, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.
We never had birthdays parties till we are 21.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 40 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned ……..
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS.
First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time. They took aspirin, candies floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.
We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle. We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV ray which never seem to affect us.
We go to jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes. With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours.
We catch guppy in drains / canals and when it rain we swim there. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually worry about being unhygenic.
We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies, bread and real butter and drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/ tea, ice kacang, but we weren't overweight because.......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, till streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. AND WE DONT HAVE HANDPHONES TO BUG US. And we were O.K. AND WE WERE SAFE.
We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden scooters out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, X-boxes, Nintendo's, multiple channels on cable TV, no TV even, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.
We never had birthdays parties till we are 21.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 40 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned ……..
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Behind a successful man
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Bill Gates
Bill Gates once gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have,,,,,,,,,,
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have,,,,,,,,,,
Husbands
One man's view.....
Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice.
Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice.
A man called Fleming
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
One day at a Clinic
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?'
He replied, 'I came here for blood test'
The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? '
He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger'
Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, Why are you crying?'
To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
He replied, 'I came here for blood test'
The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? '
He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger'
Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, Why are you crying?'
To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Well, She's there
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
2 Mexicans Detectives
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
A profound little paragraph that says it all
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
- Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
- Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Paddy the Electrician
Paddy, the Electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
One day at the Pearly Gates
A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The man thought for a few minutes and answered.
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The man replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The man thought for a few minutes and answered.
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The man replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...'
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
At the examination hall
Sardar is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, 'it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief''.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, 'it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief''.
A little bar in Texas
A bar (located somewhere in, Texas) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.
In response, the local Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.
About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".
The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
In response, the local Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.
About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".
The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Something's Wrong
Mr Sum got married. When Mrs Sum gave birth to a baby girl with big, blue eyes, curly, blonde hair and white skin he named her ... SUM TING LONG.
Learning from Nature
Quoting a story shared to me by a friend below.....
One morning I wasted nearly an hour watching a tiny ant carry a huge feather across my back terrace.
Several times it was confronted by obstacles in its path and after a momentary pause, it would make the necessary detour.
At one point, the ant had to negotiate a crack in the concrete about 10mm wide. After brief contemplation, the ant laid the feather over the crack, walked across it and picked up the feather on the other side then continued on its way.
I was fascinated by the ingenuity of this ant, one of God's smallest creatures. It served to reinforce the miracle of creation.
Here was a minute insect, lacking in size yet equipped with a brain to reason, explore, discover and overcome.
But this ant, like the two-legged co-residents of this planet, also shares human failings. After some time the ant finally reached its destination - a flower bed at the end of the terrace and a small hole that was the entrance to its underground home.
And it was here that the ant finally met its match. How could that large feather possibly fit down a small hole? Of course it couldn't.
So the ant, after all this trouble and exercising great ingenuity, overcoming problems all along the way, just abandoned the feather and went home.
The ant had not thought the problem through before it began its epic journey and, in the end, the feather was nothing more than a burden.
Isn't OUR LIFE like that..?
We worry about our family; we worry about money or the lack of it, we worry about work, about where we live, about all sorts of things.
These are all burdens - the things we pick up along life's path and lug them around the obstacles and over the crevices that life will bring, only to find that, at the destination, they are useless and we can't take them with us.
Think about this……………….
One morning I wasted nearly an hour watching a tiny ant carry a huge feather across my back terrace.
Several times it was confronted by obstacles in its path and after a momentary pause, it would make the necessary detour.
At one point, the ant had to negotiate a crack in the concrete about 10mm wide. After brief contemplation, the ant laid the feather over the crack, walked across it and picked up the feather on the other side then continued on its way.
I was fascinated by the ingenuity of this ant, one of God's smallest creatures. It served to reinforce the miracle of creation.
Here was a minute insect, lacking in size yet equipped with a brain to reason, explore, discover and overcome.
But this ant, like the two-legged co-residents of this planet, also shares human failings. After some time the ant finally reached its destination - a flower bed at the end of the terrace and a small hole that was the entrance to its underground home.
And it was here that the ant finally met its match. How could that large feather possibly fit down a small hole? Of course it couldn't.
So the ant, after all this trouble and exercising great ingenuity, overcoming problems all along the way, just abandoned the feather and went home.
The ant had not thought the problem through before it began its epic journey and, in the end, the feather was nothing more than a burden.
Isn't OUR LIFE like that..?
We worry about our family; we worry about money or the lack of it, we worry about work, about where we live, about all sorts of things.
These are all burdens - the things we pick up along life's path and lug them around the obstacles and over the crevices that life will bring, only to find that, at the destination, they are useless and we can't take them with us.
Think about this……………….
Signs
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-Smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office Door: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Vet’s waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-Smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office Door: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Vet’s waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Monday, July 23, 2012
Short Takes
1
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in:
She said: Cheque books.
2
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
3
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
4
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
5
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
6
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
7
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
8
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
9
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
10
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in:
She said: Cheque books.
2
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
3
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
4
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
5
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
6
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
7
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
8
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
9
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
10
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss".
The other says "It's morning, boss."
Alcohol as Medicine
A friend shared this information with me. I am not sure if it has been scientifically proven though, but it does makes interesting reading. Who knows, there may be some truths in it.......
BACARDI
Strengthens bones
Relieves colds
Aids digestion
Dissolves warts
Blocks diarrhea
BLACK LABEL
Promotes weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
BLACK WHITE
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
BLUE LABEL
Aids digestion
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Guards against liver disease
CHIVAS REGAL
Aids digestion
Battles diabetes
Protects your heart
Improves mental health
Boosts immune system
CLASIC RUM
Protects your heart
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes Smoothes skin
DARK RUM
Protects against Prostate Cancer
Combats Breast Cancer
Strengthens bones
Banishes bruises
Guards against heart disease
DCSL EXTRA SPECIAL
Protects your heart
prevents constipation
Blocks diarrhea
Improves lung capacity
Cushions joints
DOUBLE DISTILLED
Battles diabetes
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure
Soothes skin
DRY GIN
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Prevents constipation
Smoothes skin
FRANKLIN
Strengthens bones
Saves eyesight
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
GALETINE
prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
aids digestion
Helps hemorrhoids
GALLERY
Saves eyesight
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Supports immune system
GOLD COIN
Protects against heart disease
Promotes Weight loss
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Aggravates diverticulitis
GOLD LABEL
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Supports immune system
GRANTS
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
kills bacteria
Fights fungus
GREEN LABEL
Protects against heart attacks
Promotes Weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
HANNEPIER
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Boosts memory
Prevents constipation
HANSEN
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Ends insomnia
Slows aging process
Shields against Alzheimer's
ILICITY ARACK
Protects your heart
Battles diabetes
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
LEMON GIN
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
MENDIS
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
NAPOLEON
Heals wounds
Aids digestion
Guards against ulcers
Increases energy
Fights allergies
OLD RESERVE
Protects your heart
Quiets a cough
Strengthens bones
Controls blood pressure
Blocks diarrhea
ORANGE GIN
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Regulates thyroid
aids digestion
Shields against Alzheimer's
POT ARRACK
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
RED LABEL
Aids digestion
Soothes sore throat
Clears sinuses
Combats Cancer
Boosts immune system
RED RUM
Saves eyesight
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Promotes weight loss
REMUS MARTIN
saves eyesight
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Enhances blood flow
Protects your heart
RICHORT
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Protects your heart
Aids weight loss
RITZ
Prevents constipation
Helps hemorrhoids
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Stabilizes blood sugar
SMIRNOFF
Supports immune systems
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Straightens respiration
V&A
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Helps stops strokes
Promotes Weight loss
Kills bacteria
VODKA
Reduce risk of heart attack
Combats cancer
boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
VSO
Combats cancer
Prevents constipation
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Helps hemorrhoids
WHITE DIAMOND
Combats cancer
Controls blood pressure
Saves your eyesight
Shields against Alzheimer's
Slows aging process
WHITE GIN
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Kills bacteria
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
WHITE RUM
Slows aging process
prevents constipation
boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Protects against heart disease
BACARDI
Strengthens bones
Relieves colds
Aids digestion
Dissolves warts
Blocks diarrhea
BLACK LABEL
Promotes weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
BLACK WHITE
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Lowers cholesterol
Combats Cancer
Controls blood pressure
BLUE LABEL
Aids digestion
Lowers cholesterol
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Guards against liver disease
CHIVAS REGAL
Aids digestion
Battles diabetes
Protects your heart
Improves mental health
Boosts immune system
CLASIC RUM
Protects your heart
Promotes Weight loss
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes Smoothes skin
DARK RUM
Protects against Prostate Cancer
Combats Breast Cancer
Strengthens bones
Banishes bruises
Guards against heart disease
DCSL EXTRA SPECIAL
Protects your heart
prevents constipation
Blocks diarrhea
Improves lung capacity
Cushions joints
DOUBLE DISTILLED
Battles diabetes
Lowers cholesterol
Helps stops strokes
Controls blood pressure
Soothes skin
DRY GIN
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Battles diabetes
Prevents constipation
Smoothes skin
FRANKLIN
Strengthens bones
Saves eyesight
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
GALETINE
prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
aids digestion
Helps hemorrhoids
GALLERY
Saves eyesight
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Supports immune system
GOLD COIN
Protects against heart disease
Promotes Weight loss
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
Aggravates diverticulitis
GOLD LABEL
Protects your heart
Boosts memory
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Supports immune system
GRANTS
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
kills bacteria
Fights fungus
GREEN LABEL
Protects against heart attacks
Promotes Weight loss
Helps stops strokes
Combats Prostate Cancer
Lowers cholesterol
HANNEPIER
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Stabilizes blood sugar
Boosts memory
Prevents constipation
HANSEN
Protects your heart
Combats Cancer
Ends insomnia
Slows aging process
Shields against Alzheimer's
ILICITY ARACK
Protects your heart
Battles diabetes
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Helps stops strokes
LEMON GIN
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
MENDIS
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Controls blood pressure
Smoothes skin
Stops scurvy
NAPOLEON
Heals wounds
Aids digestion
Guards against ulcers
Increases energy
Fights allergies
OLD RESERVE
Protects your heart
Quiets a cough
Strengthens bones
Controls blood pressure
Blocks diarrhea
ORANGE GIN
Combats cancer
Boosts memory
Regulates thyroid
aids digestion
Shields against Alzheimer's
POT ARRACK
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
RED LABEL
Aids digestion
Soothes sore throat
Clears sinuses
Combats Cancer
Boosts immune system
RED RUM
Saves eyesight
Protects your heart
Prevents constipation
Combats cancer
Promotes weight loss
REMUS MARTIN
saves eyesight
Conquers kidney stones
Combats cancer
Enhances blood flow
Protects your heart
RICHORT
Controls blood pressure
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
Protects your heart
Aids weight loss
RITZ
Prevents constipation
Helps hemorrhoids
Lowers cholesterol
Combats cancer
Stabilizes blood sugar
SMIRNOFF
Supports immune systems
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Straightens respiration
V&A
Combats cancer
Protects your heart
Helps stops strokes
Promotes Weight loss
Kills bacteria
VODKA
Reduce risk of heart attack
Combats cancer
boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Controls blood pressure
VSO
Combats cancer
Prevents constipation
Promotes weight loss
Protects your heart
Helps hemorrhoids
WHITE DIAMOND
Combats cancer
Controls blood pressure
Saves your eyesight
Shields against Alzheimer's
Slows aging process
WHITE GIN
Controls blood pressure
Lowers cholesterol
Kills bacteria
Combats cancer
Strengthens bones
WHITE RUM
Slows aging process
prevents constipation
boosts memory
Lowers cholesterol
Protects against heart disease
Kiwi Juice
Just sharing some useful info... In hope it can help you when you need it.
Some of dengue symptom is high fever, shivering, nausea, rashes, body pain while my symptom is high fever, vomiting, shivering, body pain and bad rashes. And platelet counts dropping to as low as 18.
Normal advice from friends & family to help increase platelet counts like crab soup and etc maybe not suitable for him.
Next time try to drink Kiwi juice or Kiwi fruit.
This have been proven time and again.
Try it………….you have nothing to loose.
Some of dengue symptom is high fever, shivering, nausea, rashes, body pain while my symptom is high fever, vomiting, shivering, body pain and bad rashes. And platelet counts dropping to as low as 18.
Normal advice from friends & family to help increase platelet counts like crab soup and etc maybe not suitable for him.
Next time try to drink Kiwi juice or Kiwi fruit.
This have been proven time and again.
Try it………….you have nothing to loose.
Message of The Day
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile..
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile..
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Chengdu
One of the things I love about Chengdu.......is the tree lined streets and wide footpaths along both sides of the streets. The tall brown block on the right has been my home away from home for the last 2 years.
On 'Menopause'
It may be no accident that the word 'menopause' invites the association 'pause from men'.
Reflections for Sunday
Its Sunday, time to really reflect why we are where we are!
1
Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout
2
Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rearview Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. Look ahead and move on.
3
Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4
All things in life are temporary. If things are going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If things go wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
5
Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6
Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!
7
When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8
A blind person asked Swami Vivekanand: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
9
When you WIN, do you realise there is someone who LOSES.so don't always go for win.
10
WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.
1
Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout
2
Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rearview Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. Look ahead and move on.
3
Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4
All things in life are temporary. If things are going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If things go wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
5
Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6
Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!
7
When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8
A blind person asked Swami Vivekanand: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
9
When you WIN, do you realise there is someone who LOSES.so don't always go for win.
10
WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Why buy the Cow?
For all those men who say, 'Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free'. Here's an update for you.
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage..
WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
How to manage a difficult Customer
This could apply to every airline desk anywhere - where most of us have seen the 'DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM" A**Holes, everywhere; airports, restaurants, traffic lights........
An award should go to the Singapore Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded SIA flight was cancelled after SIA's 747s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry 'VIP' pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger 'VIP' was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the SIA attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F..k You !'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
An award should go to the Singapore Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded SIA flight was cancelled after SIA's 747s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry 'VIP' pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger 'VIP' was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the SIA attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F..k You !'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
3900 Saturdays
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.
A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a nice cold glass of iced tea in one hand and a Street Rodder Magazine in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those Lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:
I turned the dial up into the AM band on my talk radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swapshop. Along the way, I came across an older sounding man, with a tremendous golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles..' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say...
'Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.'
And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'
'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
'Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.
It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the garage next to my tools.'
'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.
There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .'
'Now let me tell you one last thing before I hang up with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'
'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, go have a great day!
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow hung up! I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the street rod that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few fellow rodders to work on the next club newsletter.
Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you to breakfast.'
'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile.
'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.
A friend sent this to me, so I am sharing this with you all here...my friends
A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a nice cold glass of iced tea in one hand and a Street Rodder Magazine in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those Lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:
I turned the dial up into the AM band on my talk radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swapshop. Along the way, I came across an older sounding man, with a tremendous golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles..' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say...
'Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.'
And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'
'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
'Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.
It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the garage next to my tools.'
'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.
There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .'
'Now let me tell you one last thing before I hang up with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'
'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, go have a great day!
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow hung up! I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the street rod that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few fellow rodders to work on the next club newsletter.
Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you to breakfast.'
'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile.
'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.
A friend sent this to me, so I am sharing this with you all here...my friends
The Family Tree
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Friday, July 20, 2012
Paddy and Murphy
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
Next time you come home drunk
Next time you come home drunk………
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $ 239.99
Hot Breakfast $ 4.20
Two Aspirins $ 0.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time : PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $ 239.99
Hot Breakfast $ 4.20
Two Aspirins $ 0.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time : PRICELESS
Paddy takes a new wife
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Paddy calls Easyjet
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
On Manual Gear
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
(You'll her answer!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
(You'll her answer!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
12 ways to lighten your life
Approaching your life with a non-serious attitude gives you a clear headed view of difficulties and the energy to deal with them. Problems are easier to solve, people are more cooperative and you feel more relaxed. You probably live longer and live more successfully, as well.
Try these ideas until you find one that lightens you up.
1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"
2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"
3. Focusing on the positives. "What is right about this situation?" "What else is right?" "What else?"
4. Consider a complete, major change. For example, go back to school, move to the ocean, start a new career.
5. Ask yourself, "When I'm on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"
6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"
7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.
8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.
9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or a tax collector.
10. Make everyone around you lighten up.
11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?
12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof.
Try these ideas until you find one that lightens you up.
1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"
2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"
3. Focusing on the positives. "What is right about this situation?" "What else is right?" "What else?"
4. Consider a complete, major change. For example, go back to school, move to the ocean, start a new career.
5. Ask yourself, "When I'm on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"
6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"
7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.
8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.
9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or a tax collector.
10. Make everyone around you lighten up.
11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?
12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof.
You've Got Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour, a Singh came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, 'Is something wrong?'
To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, 'Is something wrong?'
To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
At the Dentist
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra.
"The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra.
"The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied: "Probably playing golf and drinking beer with his mates."
It took 16 minutes to restore order in the classroom...
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied: "Probably playing golf and drinking beer with his mates."
It took 16 minutes to restore order in the classroom...
A weekend at Yibin Bamboo Forest
Bored over the weekend of 14th July 2012, I decided to take a trip to Yibin with some friends. Yibin is a city half the size of Chengdu set in the mountains of Shunan and is famous for its Bamboo Forest. It is also said to be famous for its 'Bai Jiu', the notorious 'fire water' that one usually drinks straight, down in one. I've tried it a few times during business dinners and it’s pretty lethal.
The journey to Yibin took about 4 – 5 hrs, depending on how fast one drives. It was nice to be surrounded by mountains and blue sky for once, as opposed to the cloudiness of Chengdu.
At the Hotel Lobby
After checking in at the Eden Resort Hotel Yibin (RMB800), we went straight to the Cable car station to take a ride to the top of the mountain. It was easily 3pm by the time we reached the Cable Car station and then have to endure a very long queue. One thing I have learnt when travelling in China is that one have to get used to the crowd…they do not need foreign tourists here, the number of local tourists visiting the local scenic spots is enough to keep the tourism industry busy.
Bird’s Eye View of the Bamboo Sea
And it is here that we found out that booking your hotel via the internet is not necessary the cheaper option - a local lady tour guide told us that she could easily have gotten us into the same Hotel at some RMB200 cheaper!
Bamboo Bamboo Everywhere
After queuing for just over an hour, we were literally pushed into the cable car. It was a very tight fit for me and a friend and I am not one of those big sized fellow. The cable car didn't pause or slow down when you had to hop in so it was more like a scramble to get in before it took off. The views were quite amazing; everywhere the eye could see was covered in bamboo, just a sea of green. Those of you who are afraid of heights, note that it can be quite scary as it is one of the highest I've been in.
Posing by the Lake
Local friends told me that the film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was shot here. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to meet Zhang Ziyi or Michelle Yeoh there……..which is a pity! No sword fighting scenes being shot here that day hehehe.
With a friend near the Pagoda at the top
If camera hadn't been invented, I think the local people would be lost. At every opportunity, in front of practically anything, they would pose, with their 'peace' signs and a smile. We paid tribute to this by trying the pose ourselves while waiting for our food to arrive during dinner time.
The typical local pose
Dinner was everything Bamboo and mushrooms……cooked in a variety of local style. I haven’t enjoyed such delicious local cooking for a while and this have to rank as one of my favorites.
Dinner is everything Bamboo...
All in all, the bamboo sea was worth visiting, if only for the local bamboo and mushroom dishes or at least to get away from the dreary and gloomy skies over Chengdu.
On the way back, we made a quick stopover at Luodai, one of the many Ancient Towns dotting the countryside around Chengdu……..but that is another story.
The journey to Yibin took about 4 – 5 hrs, depending on how fast one drives. It was nice to be surrounded by mountains and blue sky for once, as opposed to the cloudiness of Chengdu.
After checking in at the Eden Resort Hotel Yibin (RMB800), we went straight to the Cable car station to take a ride to the top of the mountain. It was easily 3pm by the time we reached the Cable Car station and then have to endure a very long queue. One thing I have learnt when travelling in China is that one have to get used to the crowd…they do not need foreign tourists here, the number of local tourists visiting the local scenic spots is enough to keep the tourism industry busy.
Bird’s Eye View of the Bamboo Sea
And it is here that we found out that booking your hotel via the internet is not necessary the cheaper option - a local lady tour guide told us that she could easily have gotten us into the same Hotel at some RMB200 cheaper!
After queuing for just over an hour, we were literally pushed into the cable car. It was a very tight fit for me and a friend and I am not one of those big sized fellow. The cable car didn't pause or slow down when you had to hop in so it was more like a scramble to get in before it took off. The views were quite amazing; everywhere the eye could see was covered in bamboo, just a sea of green. Those of you who are afraid of heights, note that it can be quite scary as it is one of the highest I've been in.
Local friends told me that the film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was shot here. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to meet Zhang Ziyi or Michelle Yeoh there……..which is a pity! No sword fighting scenes being shot here that day hehehe.
If camera hadn't been invented, I think the local people would be lost. At every opportunity, in front of practically anything, they would pose, with their 'peace' signs and a smile. We paid tribute to this by trying the pose ourselves while waiting for our food to arrive during dinner time.
Dinner was everything Bamboo and mushrooms……cooked in a variety of local style. I haven’t enjoyed such delicious local cooking for a while and this have to rank as one of my favorites.
All in all, the bamboo sea was worth visiting, if only for the local bamboo and mushroom dishes or at least to get away from the dreary and gloomy skies over Chengdu.
On the way back, we made a quick stopover at Luodai, one of the many Ancient Towns dotting the countryside around Chengdu……..but that is another story.
Ex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"So is that how it is like in heaven? "
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"So is that how it is like in heaven? "
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.
Monday, July 16, 2012
On a Philosophical Note
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free .......
It's women who make it hard !
There has never been a truer statement made!
It's women who make it hard !
There has never been a truer statement made!
An inquisitive man!
1
Man : I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
Woman : You wear pants don't you?
2
Man : Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
Woman ; That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on th e sofa and do nothing but fart
3
Man : What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Woman : Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4
Man : How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Woman : I don't know; it has never happened.
5
Man : Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
Woman : They already have boyfriends.
6
Man :What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Woman : A widow.
7
Man: Why are married women heavier than single women?
Woman : Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Moral of all these?
Fellow gents, next time you ask a woman something, do think twice or three times.......as you may not like the answer!
Man : I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
Woman : You wear pants don't you?
2
Man : Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
Woman ; That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on th e sofa and do nothing but fart
3
Man : What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Woman : Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4
Man : How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Woman : I don't know; it has never happened.
5
Man : Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
Woman : They already have boyfriends.
6
Man :What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Woman : A widow.
7
Man: Why are married women heavier than single women?
Woman : Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Moral of all these?
Fellow gents, next time you ask a woman something, do think twice or three times.......as you may not like the answer!
How does friendship break?
Both Friends Will Think The Other Is Busy.
And Will Not Contact Thinking It May Be Disturbing.
As Time Passes,
Both Will Think 'Let The OTher Contact Me'
After That Each Will Think 'Why I Should Contact First '?
Your Love Will Then Be Converted To Apathy.
Finally Without Contact, The Memory Becomes Weak.
They Forget Each Other.
So Keep In Touch With All And Pass This TO All Your Friends.
And Will Not Contact Thinking It May Be Disturbing.
As Time Passes,
Both Will Think 'Let The OTher Contact Me'
After That Each Will Think 'Why I Should Contact First '?
Your Love Will Then Be Converted To Apathy.
Finally Without Contact, The Memory Becomes Weak.
They Forget Each Other.
So Keep In Touch With All And Pass This TO All Your Friends.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Best of the week - strictly for adults only!
Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full Tank Please".
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's the vagina . Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
Two prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is a fake".
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been... raped!!".
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.
She said, "Aww, so solly... exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud".
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.
Why is breast milk good for health?
Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing & comes in attractive containers.
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full Tank Please".
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's the vagina . Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
Two prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is a fake".
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been... raped!!".
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.
She said, "Aww, so solly... exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud".
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.
Why is breast milk good for health?
Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing & comes in attractive containers.
The queue
God comes and says :-"I want the men to form two queues, one queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.
God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues. The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God is flabbergasted and says, "All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from
him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here............"
God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues. The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long, and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God is flabbergasted and says, "All you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from
him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here............"
Thinking of a swimming pool?
What is common between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.
Always be positive in life.
You can't decide the length of life, but you can control how you want to live it.
You can't control the weather, but you can control your mood.
You can't change your look, but you can smile.
You can't control others, but you can control yourself.
You can't foresee tomorrow, but you can utilize today wisely.
You can't win everything, but you can try your very best to achieve that.
Soooo face the daily life positively and strive always to be happy...
You can't control the weather, but you can control your mood.
You can't change your look, but you can smile.
You can't control others, but you can control yourself.
You can't foresee tomorrow, but you can utilize today wisely.
You can't win everything, but you can try your very best to achieve that.
Soooo face the daily life positively and strive always to be happy...
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Mind of The Chinese
A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
Loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the mind of the Chinese...
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
Loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the mind of the Chinese...
The Tree - a lesson in life
There was once a very young boy, who used to spend time playing by a tree.
One day he got bored and he said to the tree, "I'm bored, I've played with these toys too many times!"
The tree replied, "OK, you can climb up on me and play on my branches."
The boy got really happy with this suggestion and he had a lot of fun playing and sitting high up, on the branches of the tree.
When he started school, he spent more time away from the tree, but one day he came back to it, and the tree was overjoyed to see its young companion, and it encouraged him to climb on, but he refused.
"My clothes are going to get dirty if I climb up on you."
So the tree thought for a while, and said, "OK, bring a rope and tie it to me, and you can use my branches as a swing."
The boy liked that idea, so he did that too, and would come back every other day to sit for a while on that swing.
Whenever he used to get hot, the tree told him to rest in its shade.
As he got older, and moved on to college, times became harder on him and he ran short of food, so he went back to the tree which he had stopped visiting for a long time.
The tree recognised him immediately and welcomed him, but he was hungry and complained to the tree, "I don't have any food to eat, my stomach is cringing with hunger."
So the tree said, "Pull down my branches and take off the fruit, and fill yourself up."
The young guy didn't even hesitate, but jumped up and tore off one of the smaller branches and ate to his fill.
Over the weeks, he tore off all the branches and ate all the fruit.
After the fruits had all gone, he went away and didn't come back to the tree. When he reached his middle ages, he came back to the tree and said to it, "I have been very successful in life. I have earned a lot of money, I have a huge house and I have found a great wife. Now I want to travel and see the world."
The tree was now very old, but to help its long time companion, it didn't wait, and said, "Bring a saw, cut off my trunk and make a boat. Then you will see the wonders of the world."
So again, without hesitation the man cut down the tree. The same tree which he had played on, ate its fruit, laid in its shade; he cut it down and made a boat. As soon as it was finished, he sailed away and wasn't seen by his people again.
One day, an old man, walked past the tree. It hadnt recovered from the time he had cut it down. He went up to the tree, but didn't say anything. He felt the tear s coming down from his eyes.
This time the tree spoke in a faint voice, "I'm sorry. I don't have a trunk for you to climb, nor fruit for you to eat, nor branches of shade for you to lie in. All I have now are my deep roots."
The old man whispered, "That's fine. Tree roots are the best place to lie down, snuggle up and sleep after a long life."
The moral of the story - The tree symbolizes our parents, and the boy symbolizes us. We tend to treat our parents like tissue, and use them all up, and don't even give thanks, but they stay with us till the very end.
One day he got bored and he said to the tree, "I'm bored, I've played with these toys too many times!"
The tree replied, "OK, you can climb up on me and play on my branches."
The boy got really happy with this suggestion and he had a lot of fun playing and sitting high up, on the branches of the tree.
When he started school, he spent more time away from the tree, but one day he came back to it, and the tree was overjoyed to see its young companion, and it encouraged him to climb on, but he refused.
"My clothes are going to get dirty if I climb up on you."
So the tree thought for a while, and said, "OK, bring a rope and tie it to me, and you can use my branches as a swing."
The boy liked that idea, so he did that too, and would come back every other day to sit for a while on that swing.
Whenever he used to get hot, the tree told him to rest in its shade.
As he got older, and moved on to college, times became harder on him and he ran short of food, so he went back to the tree which he had stopped visiting for a long time.
The tree recognised him immediately and welcomed him, but he was hungry and complained to the tree, "I don't have any food to eat, my stomach is cringing with hunger."
So the tree said, "Pull down my branches and take off the fruit, and fill yourself up."
The young guy didn't even hesitate, but jumped up and tore off one of the smaller branches and ate to his fill.
Over the weeks, he tore off all the branches and ate all the fruit.
After the fruits had all gone, he went away and didn't come back to the tree. When he reached his middle ages, he came back to the tree and said to it, "I have been very successful in life. I have earned a lot of money, I have a huge house and I have found a great wife. Now I want to travel and see the world."
The tree was now very old, but to help its long time companion, it didn't wait, and said, "Bring a saw, cut off my trunk and make a boat. Then you will see the wonders of the world."
So again, without hesitation the man cut down the tree. The same tree which he had played on, ate its fruit, laid in its shade; he cut it down and made a boat. As soon as it was finished, he sailed away and wasn't seen by his people again.
One day, an old man, walked past the tree. It hadnt recovered from the time he had cut it down. He went up to the tree, but didn't say anything. He felt the tear s coming down from his eyes.
This time the tree spoke in a faint voice, "I'm sorry. I don't have a trunk for you to climb, nor fruit for you to eat, nor branches of shade for you to lie in. All I have now are my deep roots."
The old man whispered, "That's fine. Tree roots are the best place to lie down, snuggle up and sleep after a long life."
The moral of the story - The tree symbolizes our parents, and the boy symbolizes us. We tend to treat our parents like tissue, and use them all up, and don't even give thanks, but they stay with us till the very end.
Don't disgrace your family name
A young Chinese girl was going on her first date. Her mother warned her, "First he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts; you'll enjoy. Then he wants to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name."
The next day the girl told her mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. BUT I didn't allow him to disgrace our family name, so I went on top and disgraced his family name instead."
The next day the girl told her mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. BUT I didn't allow him to disgrace our family name, so I went on top and disgraced his family name instead."
Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT..
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT..
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The Mistress
A boss, in order to keep a mistress, bought a house in Shengzhen in 2005 for her to live in plus a monthly allowance of 5000 yuan..
The house cost him about 500,000 (half a million) yuan. He sold the house in 2010 for 3.2 million yuan, after he broke off from his mistress.
A quick calculation:
After 5 years of free fling with the woman, he still had a nett gain of 2.4 million yuan.
When his wife found out about this, she was extremely mad and gave him a big scolding:
Why the hell you kept only one mistress!
Behind Every Successful Man Is A Business-Minded Wife.
The house cost him about 500,000 (half a million) yuan. He sold the house in 2010 for 3.2 million yuan, after he broke off from his mistress.
A quick calculation:
After 5 years of free fling with the woman, he still had a nett gain of 2.4 million yuan.
When his wife found out about this, she was extremely mad and gave him a big scolding:
Why the hell you kept only one mistress!
Behind Every Successful Man Is A Business-Minded Wife.
Be thankful with what you have
Be thankful for the Husbands
Who is on the Sofa being a couch potato
Because he is home with you and not out at the Bars!
For the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing…….
Because it means you have a home.
For the parking spot you find at the far end of the parking lot…..
Because it means you are capable of walking and you have been blessed with having a car.
For all the complaining you hear about the government….
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
I am thankfull..............
For the wife who says it's Maggie Mee tonight,
Because she is home with me and not out with someone else.
For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes,
Because it means he is at home, not on the streets.
For the mess to clean after a Party,
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug,
Because it means I have enough to eat.
For the shadow that watches over me,
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For my huge air-con bill,
Because it means I can stay cool in this hot weather.
For the pile of laundry and ironing,
Because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day,
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours,
Because it means I am alive.
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Who is on the Sofa being a couch potato
Because he is home with you and not out at the Bars!
For the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing…….
Because it means you have a home.
For the parking spot you find at the far end of the parking lot…..
Because it means you are capable of walking and you have been blessed with having a car.
For all the complaining you hear about the government….
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
I am thankfull..............
For the wife who says it's Maggie Mee tonight,
Because she is home with me and not out with someone else.
For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes,
Because it means he is at home, not on the streets.
For the mess to clean after a Party,
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug,
Because it means I have enough to eat.
For the shadow that watches over me,
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For my huge air-con bill,
Because it means I can stay cool in this hot weather.
For the pile of laundry and ironing,
Because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day,
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours,
Because it means I am alive.
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
The barking dog!
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
One day at a pub
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The opposite of laughing
A teacher asks a student: What is the opposite of laughing?
The student said: Fx$king!
The teacher: Shame on you! How is that?
The student: Laughing is haaa haaa haaa....., fx$king is aaah aaah aaah…...
The student said: Fx$king!
The teacher: Shame on you! How is that?
The student: Laughing is haaa haaa haaa....., fx$king is aaah aaah aaah…...
A lesson on medicines
At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'
'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''
Sister Catherine fainted.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'
'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''
Sister Catherine fainted.
Always keep a bag of FLOUR handy in the house.
Something useful just in case...
No body likes pain, so I'm sharing this with all of you my friends......
Once I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed ......and my hand touched the boiling water....
A friend of mine, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour. I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He said to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said once during a house fire, a man was on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out...well, it not only put the flour out, but he never even had a blister!!!!
Sooooo, to cut a long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 minutes, pulled it out and had not even a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself, I use the flour and never ONCE have I ever had a red spot, a burn or a blister!
No body likes pain, so I'm sharing this with all of you my friends......
Once I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed ......and my hand touched the boiling water....
A friend of mine, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour. I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He said to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said once during a house fire, a man was on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out...well, it not only put the flour out, but he never even had a blister!!!!
Sooooo, to cut a long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 minutes, pulled it out and had not even a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself, I use the flour and never ONCE have I ever had a red spot, a burn or a blister!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The Convert
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah.. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah.. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I now I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I now I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
A Blonde makes a phone call
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
A Kicking Contest
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Monday, July 9, 2012
Thought Provoking
Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.
While men are so simple. They want only one thing from all women.
While men are so simple. They want only one thing from all women.
The 2 Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds ?"
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds ?"
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Why do we shout?
One day, a professor asked his students 'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'
All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'
Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'
Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.
Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.'
'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'
'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'
'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'
'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.
'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.'
All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'
Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'
Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.
Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.'
'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'
'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'
'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'
'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.
'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.'
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly :'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
He looked up and said weakly :'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
The Journey of a Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
A Simple Logic
I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how unfair it is that "If a guy screws different girls every week, he is a legend, but if a girl sleeps with just two guys in a year, she's a slut."
So in response, I told her that "If a key opens lot of locks, then it's a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."
That shut her up!!!
So in response, I told her that "If a key opens lot of locks, then it's a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."
That shut her up!!!
The Fifth Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Dracula
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad
God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad
Health - URINE COLOUR INDICATORS
Yellow
"Healthy urine goes from clear to pale yellow, dark yellow to amber,” says consultant urologist Tim Terry. This depends on hydration levels, but if you’re somewhere in the yellow team, you can breathe easy.
Green
“Some antiseptics and anaesthetics give urine a green tinge,” says Terry. This is thanks to methylene blue, a dye which kidneys sometimes struggle with. Nothing too much to worry about though.
Orange
“This is a sign of liver dysfunction,” warns Terry. If your urine is this colour and you notice that your stools are white, it could be obstructive jaundice. Put down that beer – it’s GP time.
Brown
Muddy-looking pee means kidney problems. “This can be a sign of serious renal disease, even a fistula,” says Terry. That’s when your bowel leaks into your bladder. Taxi to casualty now.
Red
This is really bad. Blood in your urine can mean a haemorrhage or cancer. “In anyone over 40 we assume it’s bladder cancer, unless proven other wise,” says Terry. Get yourself to the doctor, pronto.
"Healthy urine goes from clear to pale yellow, dark yellow to amber,” says consultant urologist Tim Terry. This depends on hydration levels, but if you’re somewhere in the yellow team, you can breathe easy.
Green
“Some antiseptics and anaesthetics give urine a green tinge,” says Terry. This is thanks to methylene blue, a dye which kidneys sometimes struggle with. Nothing too much to worry about though.
Orange
“This is a sign of liver dysfunction,” warns Terry. If your urine is this colour and you notice that your stools are white, it could be obstructive jaundice. Put down that beer – it’s GP time.
Brown
Muddy-looking pee means kidney problems. “This can be a sign of serious renal disease, even a fistula,” says Terry. That’s when your bowel leaks into your bladder. Taxi to casualty now.
Red
This is really bad. Blood in your urine can mean a haemorrhage or cancer. “In anyone over 40 we assume it’s bladder cancer, unless proven other wise,” says Terry. Get yourself to the doctor, pronto.
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
Old Morris
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband was so old, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's own advantages!
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story?
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's own advantages!
The Chicken Farmer
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Viagra
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work.
An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."
"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"
An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."
"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"
Thursday
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The Telegram
Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Wednesday
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
Senior Dating
Donna: ''That nice Johnny asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''
Sandy: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car .... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner ... A marvellous dinner ... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''
Donna: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''
Sandy: ''No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''
Sandy: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car .... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner ... A marvellous dinner ... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''
Donna: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''
Sandy: ''No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
Birthplace
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Oral Sex
Grampa, do you still have sex with gramma?
Yes, but just oral sex.
What’s oral sex?
I say fuck you, she says fuck you too!
Yes, but just oral sex.
What’s oral sex?
I say fuck you, she says fuck you too!
Tuesday
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Monday, July 2, 2012
Monday
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Chengdu East Railway Station
A weekend trip to Chongqing on 30 June 2012. At the ultra modern train station - just like going to an airport.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)