Why women needs a husband....

Why Women Need a Husband ?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do ?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame ?
Will you blame Yourself ?”

Woman: “NO !!!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes... That's why you need a Husband !!!”

The advertisement

*Absolutely awesome...*

😂😂😂😂😂
A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:

'Man seeks woman to date.'

He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"

Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"🍁

And the moral of the story is .....

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'

''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
 a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
.
Pin drop silence in the class !!
.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. ' What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?

"Stay away from Mommy when
she's drunk......!!!!"

😨😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Bubble Gum

In a New York sidewalk, an Indian is enjoying a hearty breakfast "Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc"

While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation.

American: You Indians eat the whole bread?

Indian: Ofcourse!

American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we don't.

We, Americans only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to India.

American: Do you eat jam with bread?

Indian: Ofcourse!

American: We don't.

We eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to India.

Indian: Do you have sex in America?

American: Ofcourse, we do!

Indian: What do you do with the condoms?

American: We throw them, of course!

Indian: We don't. In India, we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America!

Khaalllaaaaasssss ...😂

Don't laugh alone , share this with your friends so can laugh along with you
���������

Where to get 4 Wifes

Four Wifes

The Rest Area

Shit

In a packed auditorium,  a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.

Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.

He said "SHIT"...

It is said that it took 3 days to clean the whole auditorium!

The heatwave

I don’t like people who cannot handle their drinks

That’s Life

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called
‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your
wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man:  “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not
enough!"

******

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour??
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink
& the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make Wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see Wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:  Dear Mother-in-law,
Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

******

When a married man says,  "I WILL THINK ABOUT IT" - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep!  What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies:  "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's
awake! "

*Enjoy*  😄😄🤣🤣

What is Men like?

😂😂😂
Quote of the day:

Men are like shoe Laces
They enter many holes before they tie the knot !!

After tying the knot they are like Belts,  They see many holes but eventually put it in the same hole every day.
😂😂😂

Idiot Sightings

Here s a compilation of idiocy among Msians ..Not sure if it s meant to make us laugh or cry ...😂

MALAYSIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:

Idiot Sighting 1

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a RM5 note.

Our total was RM4.25, so I also handed her 25sen.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat  my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25sen, and said 'We're sorry  but we don't do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 sen in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Bangsar.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,

'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since.

Happened in PJ.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the CHILDREN CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many kids  are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them   to be crossing anymore.'

School in Trengganu

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Malacca ......

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at KLIA

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Perodua Dealership , Kulai

STAY ALERT! .................... They walk amongst us...!🧠👀🙇‍♀🙇🏻‍♂😂

Happy Father’s Day

📢 5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your  3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son ! 😂😆

*To all fathers!*
💞 *Happy Father’s day* 💞

On buying a car

A retired man visited a BMW showroom where the demo model 325i Convertible was on a clearance sale to make way for new models.

While he was considering the purchase, it was sold to an attractive young lady at a sizable discount.

The retiree was upset. He reprimanded the salesman, _"Young man, how can you sell this car to this young lady while I’m considering it? And you insisted there was no discount!”_

The salesman took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
_"Well, what can I say? She made a quick decision, paid cash and didn't need any loan. Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"_

The young woman walked over to the retiree and handed him the car keys.

_"Here you are,"_ she said. _"I promise you I can a better price. See you later for dinner. Dad. Happy Father's Day!"_

Don't mess around with seniors.

These are trying times

*WE LIVE IN VERY INTERESTING AND FUNNY TIMES*
.
*1.* *We live in times where we see many humans, but not humanity.*

*2.* *We live in times where the rich has more rooms than children and the poor has more children than rooms.*

*3.* *We live in times where smart phones bring you closer to those who are far, but distance you from those who are closer.*

*4.* *We live in times where we open Facebook, more than Holy Book;*

*5.* *We live in times where a single mother can look after 10 children, but 10 children can't look after a single mother;*

*6.* *We live in times where the rich walk miles to digest food, while the poor walk miles to search for food;*

*7.* *We live in times where women are paid to be naked, while others have no clothes to cover their nakedness.*

*8.* *We live in times where our contact lists are huge, but our relationships are poor*

*9.* *We live in times where our possessions are more, but our appreciation is less;*

*10.* *We live in times where we know how to earn a good living, but somehow forget how to live good;*

*11.* *We live in times where many know the price of everything, but not the value of anything*

*Indeed, we live in a strange world.*

*May God help and Guide Us in our daily life*

Just had to share this with everyone

Plane full of madmen

😂😂😂
A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Nigeria to U.S.A. He agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy.

Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said to him "pls can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane?

The pilot replied, I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise.

The mad man went in, after some minutes, every where was silent as if an angel entered the plane. After some minutes the mad man came back and told him that everywhere was cool now. The pilot became happy and asked WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM THAT MADE THEM TO KEEP CALM.

  The mad man replied, I opened the door for them to go and play outside.
The pilot fainted. 😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

Don't just laugh alone.
😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃... Kindly Make sure that You Make Someone Happy Today...

A donation

Points to ponder about Life

This is only sent to those who are believed to have the mental capacity to comprehend the meaning of these statements.
It requires a real deep thinker to grasp these most important facts of life.

9 Points to Ponder

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions :
Hungry and Horny, and you can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, try first  make him a sandwich. If that does not work , well then good luck to you.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take anti depressants to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of mirchi chutney. What you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me :

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long!!!
😉😉😜😜

Eden on the Park

A seniors lifestyle resort in Kota Samarahan. Just next to the golf course. Ideal place for retirement?

All about Perfumes

Grandma was taking a lift to the 8th floor.

The lift stopped at 1st floor and a beautiful lady walked in. The fragrance from her body was so strong that grandma cannot help but asked:
Grandma: "Wow! Such wonderful fragrance!"
Lady: "BULGARI,
RM100 a bottle."

The lift stopped again at the 6th floor and another beautiful lady walked in. This time, her fragrance is much stronger than the first.
Grandma: "Wow, wow. This is even much better!!!"
Lady 2: "GUCCI, more than RM200 a bottle!"

Upon reaching the 8th floor, grandma farted just before she got out of the lift. The smell was so strong that the two ladies almost vomitted.

Ladies: : “Auntie, what's that strong smell?"
Grandma: "MUSANGKING, RM300 a kg!!!"
😜🤣🇲🇾

On being drunk

A police patrol parked outside Rickety Pub noticed a man leaving the bar intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes. The police officer was patiently observing.

The man tried his keys on six different cars. Finally, he located his own car and fell into it.

He was there for a while as other men left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, flicked the hazard lights, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved his car forward, reversed a little, and then remained stationary as more patrons left in their vehicles.

When almost everyone left Rickety, he started to drive.

The police officer started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights and pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyser test.

Surprisingly, the breathalyzer showed no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "Please accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"Tonight, I'm the decoy. They all got away!" replied the man.
😂

I am home schooled

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

My Lan Chau

We have our Kolo mee. Vietnam have their Ramen.

Banana Tariff Plan

Outside the TNB Office, a banana vendor was selling bananas....

TNB Officer asks - Whats the price of Banana?
Vendor - Let me know where you'll use them?
TNB Officer -  what do u mean? ! ! !

Vendor-
If u are taking to temple, then its RM1.00 per kg
To Orphanage is RM1.50 per kg
For school children is RM 2.00per kg        
If u take home is RM 2.50per kg
And For restaurant is RM 5.00 per kg.....

TNB officer-
How can this be .. All bananas are the same, then why difference in price?

Vendor -
This is my banana tariff plan.  Even you TNB people selling the same electricity but for home, shop, factory, u people charge different tariffs..

The marriage therapist

After 35 years of marriage, a couple went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrows. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

The Pastor’s Salary

The Pastor's Salary.....            

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise.  
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke thus:
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear raincoats!"
The entire congregation said: 'Amen.'

Happy mother’s day

To all the mothers out there, happy mother’s day. Without you none of us will be here!

How to improve lifespan

The organization chart

During my life living in the Cubicle. Our organization chart almost always looks like this....

The Nest

The Nest is a recently opened Coffee House in The Times Square area of town. This morning we had the chance to try their breakfast menu - I had  one of their smashed avocado on crisp buttered sour dough signature selections.

The above photo shows my choice of smashed avocados, soft poached egg, grilled English bacon, glazed with hollandaise sauce and pan roasted cherry tomatoes.

An astrologer’s prediction

Believe in your Astrologer..........

The Senior’s special

$2.99 SPECIAL

I love it!

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet...God willing, someday you will be...

The 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress..

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!

Always laugh when you can - it's cheaper than medicine!

Management Lessons from nature

Two Minutes Management Course (Worth Thousands Of Ringgit)

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your Two (2)-Minutes Management Course.😄😃

Men will be men

*Men Do Not Listen* 👏🏻

Max and his wife Lola received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study "Modern Biochemistry" overseas.

She wrote, "My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger, and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. *Please, take only a drop.* Goodbye I love you!"

They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.

Max looked at his wife and said, "You go first."

Lola took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Max immediately did the same.

Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother... she is younger and happier, and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.

"Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don't listen! He drank the whole bottle."

"Whaaat! Where is he?"

"Who do you think is on my back?"

😅😂🤣😅😂🤣😅😂🤣

What is sex?

Photo of the year

At an interview

At a Job Interview 💡

OFFICER:- What is your name?

Me :-  M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Me:-  Marvin Paul

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Me:-  M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Me:-  Martin Paul

OFFICER:- What is your qualification?

Me:-  M.P.

OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!

Me:-  Maths and Physics

OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?

Me:-   It is because of M.P. sir

OFFICER:   Meaning?

Me:-  Money Problem

OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?

Me:    MP sir.

OFFICER:   And what is that?

Me:-  Marvelous Personality

OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.

Me:-  Sir, how was M.P. sir?

OFFICER:- And what's that again?

Me:-   My Performance.

OFFICER:-  I think you have M.P.

Me:-   What’s that?

OFFICER:-  Mental Problem!!!

Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People) those are saved in your M.P. (Mobile Phone)
to put a smile on their faces.

I have sent this to u because u are M.P. (My People)
😜🤡😜🤡

All about Ah Beng

Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light!'  😃

On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?'   😀

Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
😀

A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!'    😀

Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
😀

What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child. 😝

Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
😃

After returning from a foreign trip,  Ah Beng asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
😁😉

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
😝😜✌

Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider, How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
🙌👉😝😁

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, PROPHET MUHAMMAD and BUDDHA?"
Ah Beng: "All are born on government holidays..!
😭😂✨

Sir: What is the difference between an Orange and an Apple?
Ah Beng: The color of an orange is Orange, but the color of an Apple is not APPLE
👏✋😜😝✨

Dont laugh alone if you find is funny then share 😉😜

Only in Australia

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'Yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.....'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing..

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

Cancer

PLEASE SPARE 10 MINUTES TO READ THIS. AFTER YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY (TRY IS THE KEY WORD) AND ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHN HOPKINS IS FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY.

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.

3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.
8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.

CANCER CELLS FEED ON:a. Sugar, is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like Nutrasweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful.

A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in colour. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt. ( THE WEST MADE US 2 CHANGE FROM SEA 2 WHITE IODISED SALT )

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water- best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.

13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Florssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins,minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind,body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, un forgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

PLEASE READ ON

1. No plastic containers in micro.

2.. No water bottles in freezer.

3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkinshas recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at WalterReedArmyMedicalCenteras well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.

Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at CastleHospitalwas on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat.

He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as CorningWare, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin.

So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, CorningWare, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This is an article that should be sent to all in your life and that’s why I am putting it in this Blog for the benefit of all of you.

My very first photo

Is he human?

There’s something wrong with my penid

Philip, a 63 year old retiree visited Dr Lim & Tan Clinic. A crowd of 15 was waiting at the reception.

The receptionist, Jill, asked, 'Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my private part', Philip replied.

Jill became irritated, 'You shouldn't say embarrassing things in front of my patients.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I answered you,' Philip replied.

Jill warned, 'It’s embarrassing!You should reply there is something wrong with your ear or something and wants to discuss the problem further with the doctor in private.'

Philip argued, 'You shouldn't ask walked-in patients questions, in a room full of strangers, if the answers embarrass the crowd.’

Phil left the clinic. Several minutes, he returned.

Jill forced a smile and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' Philip replied.

Jill nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice,  'What is wrong with your ear please?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

_The waiting room erupted in laughter._

Meeting old friends at KRPM

It was nice catching up with old friends and colleagues , Mike Choo, William Seing and BumBeng Tey over a morning round at Kelab Rahman Putra today.

The human equation

A friend send this human equation to me recently. I find it enlightening.....

Human = Eat+Sleep+Work+Enjoy.
Donkey=Eat+Sleep.
Therefore, Human=Donkey+Work+Enjoy.
Therefore, Human - Enjoy=Donkey+Work.

In other words, a human that doesn't know how to enjoy is really a donkey that works.

Tech support for love

👇 Ha ha heh heh ... hilarious & creative 🤣👍💪🥰  .....

"Shared by a friend

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke.

Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.

Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support Team "

Sunset at Marina’s central park

Specially for senior citizens

Understanding woman

Springtime in Miri

It is a pleasure driving along Jalan Padang Kerbau at the moment as the Tecoma (I my be wrong on this name) trees lining a quarter of the route are in full bloom.

Am incident with a Bee

Sabah style black Kolo mee

Breakfast today was sabah style black Kolo mee with mixed pork soup at Wang Xiang, Marina Parkcity ph1.

Japanese Sex

The Senior Citizen

After the death of an elderly man’s wife, he remarried a young woman.

After sometime spoke to his friends “I pass time with you happily but my poor wife gets bored at home.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife shall be happy in the company of the tenant.

The elderly man promptly acted on their advise.

After sometime the friends jokingly asked “How is your wife now?”

He happily told “She is pregnant”

Friends laughed in their heart and further asked “How is the tenant?”

The man replied very soberly “She is also pregnant.”

Never underestimate the power of - Senior Citizen.

The coffee tree

Cappuccino? Latte? Mocha? Flat White?  Americano? Long Black? Expresso? So what the f**k is the difference?

Then I went to Zeppelin for dinner last nite and the cloud slightly disappeared, I had the Roulade of chicken for dinner. Very nice.

But it is the ‘coffee tree’ that attracted my attention.....

The Roulade of chicken.

The ‘Coffee Tree’

S.O.S

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach! ✈️

The mobile phone

Wife told husband:

"After you finished watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone."
🙏🙏

After 4 hours, husband still watering the garden.
 😁

A new kind of Pets

Last Tuesday Last Tuesday, I got myself a new kind of Pets - Kelulut (stingless bees). Two logs installed. Maintenance free. The Pet needs no food nor water.  Feeling excited with this new hobby....

Spoiling myself

today, I felt like spoiling myself. So lunch was fresh butter milk lobster fried rice @ Lavender Cafe.

On opening a new store

you will love it😜

Two White Men in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

One commented to the other,
"I bet any minute now some Chinaman is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Chinese man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"Vat ya sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling idiots."

*Without skipping a beat, the old Chinese man answered,*

*"Must be doing well, only two left !!!*

👌😉😁😂🤣

On fund raising

😍Can not stop laughing, after reading this.

😇😂🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅
❗❗❗❗❗❗

An old church in a village in Brazil was leaking and the walls were almost collapsing. After the service the Padre asked the worshipers if they could organize a fundraising to rebuild the church...

He told them to contribute whatever God has blessed each and everyone of them with. If you have some money, you can bring the money. If you earn a living by selling tomatoes in the market, you can bring the tomatoes and they get them auctioned to raise the money... If you operate a hardware it would be even better; you can bring some nails and iron sheets for the roof... whatever you have. Eventually, it was the day of fundraising and worshippers came out in large numbers, some with money in their pockets, others with goods depending on their jobs and sources of livelihood... They were met by a strange sight; a coffin at the entrance of the church!...Gosh! Who had died?... but then again it was on a Sunday and funeral services were never conducted on Sundays.... What was going on?

People started talking in whispers asking what was the meaning of it...they started pointing fingers to an old man seated at a corner; he was the coffin maker... Some looked at him in open hostility, but he didn't mind them... the Padre had said that people should bring whatever God has blessed you with, right?... and he was a coffin maker...

After the service it was time to raise funds ; those who had money contributed, hardware people gave iron sheets and other building equipments and materials; tomato traders had brought their tomatoes which were auctioned away... Finally, the coffin maker dragged his coffin to the front of the church and stood still... people gasped and fell silent... you could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly an old man, a friend of the coffin maker stood up... he offered 15,000 for the coffin on behalf of the padre... said he was buying it for the padre... The Padre shot up so fast with eyes wide open....his lips suddenly very dry. He quickly offered 20,000 for the coffin on behalf of the leader of CWA (Catholic women Association). The Lady nearly stumbled as she sprang to her feet looking so shocked at seeing her coffin... "No! no! no!" She shouted, "it is not mine! ...I ...I ... I..will buy it for the Catechist!... 30,000 please!... please! The Catechist nearly peed on himself. He turned to look at her angrily as if to ask "do you want to kill me?!" Clearly nobody wanted the coffin and it kept on being passed around until finally another old rich man stood and said that he is offering 100,000 for the coffin and he is buying it on behalf of the coffin maker...

The coffin maker took his coffin and returned it to his shop....smiling.

The coffin maker, someone who was looked down upon, someone whom people jeered that he benefits from the misfortunes of others, raised the greatest amount of money for the church without contributing even a single coin.

You can serve God in many different ways. Perhaps people belittle you until you see yourself as a nobody.... but God wants you just the way you are. He will turn your shame into honor.

On almost having an affair

Signs of aging

Signs of aging -
Written by a confident lady ...😄

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them .......
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot !

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot and came to a terrifying conclusion .....
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty 😱😞😞.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked, etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband,
 I left my keys in the car .... and it has been stolen."

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car." 😁😁

Don't laugh alone 😄😄😅😅😂😂

Send to other husbands or wives because ....
So many things go wrong daily, and you can't blame yourself  all the times 😉😊😆

Never ever give up

On viagra and silicone

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔

Quote of the year
by a Nobel Prize winner in Medicine:

"In today's world, we invested five times more on medicines for male virility and silicone for women than on the cure for Alzheimer.

In a few years from now, we will have old women with big boobs and old men with well erected penis, but neither of them will remember what that is for."
🙄

On Retirement

Life is like a dick

Malaysian english

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc

British English vs. Msian English

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons : I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Msians : No stock

RETURNING A CALL
Britons : Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Msians : Hello, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons : Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Msians : S-kew me.

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons : Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me
Msians : No need lah

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Msians : (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons : Please make yourself right at home
Msians : No need shy shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money
Msians : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons : I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind
Msians : Don't want lah

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons : Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue
Msians : You mad ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here
Msians : Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
Msians : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Msians : Die lah!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons : Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Msians : What happened ah? Why like that one lah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons : This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you
Msians : Like that also don't know how to do!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons : Would you mind not disturbing me?
Msians : Celaka lu!😳

Send this to your Msian friends & let them have a laugh too. 😂

Msians : Sent oredi mah!

Same sex marraige

 Bruce and Barry  got married in Canberra (because they could do it there).

They couldn't  afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Bruce's Mum and Dad's house for their  first married night together.

In the morning,  Johnny, Bruce's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going  out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum: ‘Are Bruce and Barry up  yet?’.

She replies,  'No'.

Johnny comments,  'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies,  'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home  for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?'

She replies,  'No..'

Johnny says, 'Do  you know what I think?'

His mum replies,  'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to  school.'

After school,  Johnny comes home and asks again: 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?'

Again his mum  replies somewhat more agitated: 'No!'

He says, 'Do you  know what I think?'

His mum replies,  'OK, damn it, tell me what you think!'

He says: 'Well, last night Bruce came to my room for some Vaseline . . . and I gave him my super glue!' 🤣

A time for Cheng Meng

Uncle Chong at the graveyard during Cheng Meng while burning joss money, remarks, "Joss money nowadays look so real,  I'm almost reluctant to burn it."

Soon after,  his wife calls his mobile, "Hey, I thought you went for Cheng Meng.  Why is the joss money still on the table?   And what happened to the 60K that I withdrew yesterday?"

Uncle bangs his head against the tombstone and cries till he faints.

Passersby say, "Such filial piety! Hardly see nowadays."

Later that night,  his grandfather appears in his dream.

"Grandson, What have you done? What currency have you sent me?  I'm now in police lockup here.

They're accusing me of using counterfeit money!"

A bag full of money

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -  fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."

Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said: "No."

Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.  

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

*TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE*
😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

A tale of Avocadoes

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk  and if ghey have avocadoes, get 6."

A short time later ghe husband comrs back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 vartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you are a woman, I'm surr you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time....