Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Smart Ass Answers
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF the year?
#6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
#5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
#3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
#6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
#5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
#3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
The hardest thing?
What is the hardest thing to break?
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break. What is the hardest thing to break then?
The answer is: HABIT If you break the H, you still have A BIT. If you break the A, you still have BIT. If you break the B, you still have IT!!!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the 'I'.
The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems. Cute??? Now, you know why HABIT is so hard to break. Its destiny is in its name. The word itself.
One of my teachers before taught me never, never, never to ASSUME . Because it makes an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME'....
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break. What is the hardest thing to break then?
The answer is: HABIT If you break the H, you still have A BIT. If you break the A, you still have BIT. If you break the B, you still have IT!!!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the 'I'.
The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems. Cute??? Now, you know why HABIT is so hard to break. Its destiny is in its name. The word itself.
One of my teachers before taught me never, never, never to ASSUME . Because it makes an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME'....
The government should consider this seriously.......
Best economic recovery plan yet
Forget the G 20 crap! this is the best idea yet!
Patriotic Retirement -
This Would Work: This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I thought this was the BEST idea. I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr.President,
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
Forget the G 20 crap! this is the best idea yet!
Patriotic Retirement -
This Would Work: This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I thought this was the BEST idea. I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr.President,
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
GOLF again!
From a gplf crazy friend.................thanks, Peter. Much appreciated.
Golf ! Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..
Golf ! Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
Someone's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex!
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6.... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible..
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And his NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Golf ! Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..
Golf ! Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
Someone's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex!
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6.... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible..
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And his NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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