An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.
One of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try ?
The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"
The prostitute: "Cheer up !!! Let us try !!!"
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old
The prostitute says:"Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot"
The old man replies: - "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"
hahahahahahahahaha!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Computer Hard and Software
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Taking a woman to bed
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you????
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you????
Golf on Christmas Day
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater, dear.”
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater, dear.”
COMPLETE and FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between the two words.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
His final question was this.... How to explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED .
Here is his astute answer ....
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
His final question was this.... How to explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED .
Here is his astute answer ....
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
The Psychiatrist
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
‘How much do you charge?'
‘One hundred and eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, one hundred and eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for 20 bucks! I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
So..........................GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
‘How much do you charge?'
‘One hundred and eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, one hundred and eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for 20 bucks! I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
So..........................GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.
Real Love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands...........
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands...........
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Jiezi Ancient Town
Spent an afternoon in Jiezi Ancient Town to admire some of the old architectures and gain an appreciation of the lifestyle and culture of the local folks. Qiute interesting. Thanks Oakwook Residences for organising such an educational and interesting trip.
A pity I will not be able to join you on the upcoming trip to Xiling Snow Mountain - I sincerely hope that the snows have fallen (but I doubted very much as I think it is a bit too early in the year!).
A pity I will not be able to join you on the upcoming trip to Xiling Snow Mountain - I sincerely hope that the snows have fallen (but I doubted very much as I think it is a bit too early in the year!).
Jiuzhaigou Revisited
Went to Jiuzhaigou on the 3rd week of October hoping to see some colourful autumn leaves. A bit disappointed as the colours were not as dramatic as expected........just a bit of yellow, a bit of red, a bit of purple here and there.
The views were, however, as fantastic as ever..................
Different Views on Life
.A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, won't be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh, send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother...
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With big tits & who owns a bar on a golf course
suck my cigar while I smoke my pipe
And loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme
But I don't give a shit!
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's rich and self-employed
And when I spend, won't be annoyed
Pull out my chair and hold my hand
Massage my feet and help me stand
Oh, send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean
I pray this man will love no other
And relish visits with my mother...
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With big tits & who owns a bar on a golf course
suck my cigar while I smoke my pipe
And loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme
But I don't give a shit!
Negotiation Strategy
The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Thursday, November 8, 2012
What is life about?
What is life about?
1 - At one, YOU are the top priority
10 - At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 -At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30 - At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 -At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 - At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 - At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 - At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 - At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 - At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 - At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good !
1 - At one, YOU are the top priority
10 - At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 -At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30 - At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 -At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 - At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 - At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 - At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 - At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 - At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 - At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good !
At a Chocolate Store
Two friends, entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, one stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the he said to his friend: "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
His friend replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the friend said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."
The freind said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The friend asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The friend replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
His friend replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the friend said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."
The freind said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The friend asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The friend replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
One day in a bus
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Have a good laugh again!!!!!
Have a good laugh again!!!!!
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
How the Fight Starts......
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
2 Nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical, and the other one was known as Sister Logical.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys.............
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened toSister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys.............
One Day in a Bar
An Arab walked into a very crowded bar and was about to order a drink when he saw a guy wearing a Jewish cap (yarmulke), a prayer shawl (tzitzis), and sporting the traditional locks of hair of a Jew.
The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was buying everyone a drink except the Jewish fellow.
After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriated the Arab.
Once again the Arab loudly ordered drinks for everyone - except the Jew. But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"
The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly bugger did was to smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replied the bartender. "He owns the place!"
The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was buying everyone a drink except the Jewish fellow.
After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriated the Arab.
Once again the Arab loudly ordered drinks for everyone - except the Jew. But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"
The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly bugger did was to smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replied the bartender. "He owns the place!"
Monday, October 1, 2012
Simgapore Jokes
Story 2
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
Story 3
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.' They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It's the rule.' They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.' They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who jumped.'
Story 4
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect their underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the distribution.
Sergeant: Hei, Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen (sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwear dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Story 5
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song 'Ah Cheng Buey RoTi' (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss, claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for the song 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers.
Story 6
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they're not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, 'Wah low!!!, how you know one?'
The first Ah Lian reply smugly, 'Easy lah.. G for Gero mah...'
Story 7
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm'
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, 'Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife.'
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife.
Lee KY's wife said, 'C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!'
So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Banga!' (Banga-Lee)
How thieves know there's a laptop hidden in your car
How thieves know there's a laptop hidden in your car - coneal your laptop in the car from yin eyes and return to find it gone. Still wdering how the thieves knew? The mystery as to uow thieves could single out vhicles for the laptops stored inside has been resolved with the arrest of two Indonesian men. The key to the mystery is this harmless-looking gadget called an inductive amplifier.
This came to light after Selangor police arrested the two foreigners in an ambush at Kampung Changkat, Gombak. Police recovered the gadget and seized several laptops, custom-made break-in tools, handbags and watches among other items. The suspects are believed to be behind at least 20 cases of theft from cars.
An inductive amplifier, an electronic device similar to a handheld metal detector and as small as a hairbrush, is used to “sniff” out laptops kept in parked cars. The conventional use of the inductive amplifier is the location of breaks in hidden wires, even buried in concrete. The typical wire detection range in a concrete wall is 10-20 cm.
A check on eBay revealed that the inductive amplifier is priced about $60. This means anyone can easily purchase one and start a laptop stealing business.
After knowing about this, I would strongly reconsider putting my laptop in the car boot unattended ever again. My previous practice was to remove the battery from the laptop first before keeping the laptop in the boot. I thought that the laptop detector works by sensing live circuit in the laptop even though the laptop is not on. Now I know the laptop detector is actually inductive amplifier which can be bought from electronic shop.
This came to light after Selangor police arrested the two foreigners in an ambush at Kampung Changkat, Gombak. Police recovered the gadget and seized several laptops, custom-made break-in tools, handbags and watches among other items. The suspects are believed to be behind at least 20 cases of theft from cars.
An inductive amplifier, an electronic device similar to a handheld metal detector and as small as a hairbrush, is used to “sniff” out laptops kept in parked cars. The conventional use of the inductive amplifier is the location of breaks in hidden wires, even buried in concrete. The typical wire detection range in a concrete wall is 10-20 cm.
A check on eBay revealed that the inductive amplifier is priced about $60. This means anyone can easily purchase one and start a laptop stealing business.
After knowing about this, I would strongly reconsider putting my laptop in the car boot unattended ever again. My previous practice was to remove the battery from the laptop first before keeping the laptop in the boot. I thought that the laptop detector works by sensing live circuit in the laptop even though the laptop is not on. Now I know the laptop detector is actually inductive amplifier which can be bought from electronic shop.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
A Singapore Story
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
'aaaaaah! 'R' for Reverse!!!!!!' screamed Ah Beng.
So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
'aaaaaah! 'R' for Reverse!!!!!!' screamed Ah Beng.
An Interesting Article
I find this article interesting reading.................
The Japanese save a lot. They do not spend much. Also Japan exports far more than it imports. Has an annual trade surplus of over $100 billion, yet Japanese economy is considered weak, even collapsing.
Americans spend, save little. Also US import more than it exports. Has an annual trade deficit of over $400 billion. Yet, the American economy is considered strong and trusted to get stronger.
But where from do Americans get money to spend?
They borrow from Japan , China , and even India .
Virtually others save for the US to spend.
Global savings are mostly invested in US, in dollars. India itself keeps its foreign currency assets of over $50 billions in US securities. China has sunk over $160 billion in US securities. Japan 's stakes in US securities is in trillions.
Result:
The US has taken over $5 trillion from the world. So, as the world saves for the US, Americans spend freely. Today, to keep the US consumption going, that is for the US economy to work, the countries have to remit $180 billion every quarter that is $2 billion a day to the US!
Otherwise the US economy would go for a sick. So will the global economy.
The result will be no different if US consumers begin consuming less.
A Chinese economist asked a neat question. Who has invested more, US in China , or China in US? The US has invested in China less than half of what China has invested in US.
The same is the case with India . We have invested in US over $50 billion. But the US has invested less than $20 billion in India .
Why the world is after the US? The secret lies in the American spending, that they hardly save. In fact they use their credit cards to spend their future income. That the US spends is what makes it attractive to export to the US .
So US imports more than what it exports year after year.
The Result:
The world is dependent on US consumption for its growth. By its deepening culture of consumption, the US has habituated the world to feed on US consumption. But as the US needs money to finance its consumption, the world provides the money.
It's like a shopkeeper providing the money to a customer so that the customer keeps buying from his shop.
The customer will not buy; the shop won't have business, unless the shopkeeper funds him.
The US is like the lucky customer. And the world is like the helpless shopkeeper financier.
Who is America 's biggest shopkeeper financer? Japan of course. Yet it's Japan which is regarded as weak.
Modern economists complain that Japanese do not spend, so they do not Grow. To force the Japanese to spend, the Japanese government exerted itself. Reduced the savings rates, even charged the savers. Even then the Japanese did not spend (habits don't change, even with taxes, do they?). Their traditional postal savings alone is over $1.2 trillions, about three times the Indian GDP. Thus, savings, far from being the strength of Japan , has become its pain.
Hence, what is the lesson?
A nation cannot grow unless the people spend, not save. Not just spend, but borrow and spend.
Dr. Jagdish Bhagwati, the famous Indian-born economist in the US, told that don't wastefully save. Start spending, on imported cars and, seriously, even on cosmetics! This will put all nations on a growth curve.
'Saving is sin, and spending is virtue.'
Before you follow this neo economics, get some fools to save so that you can borrow from them and spend. This is what US has successfully done in last few decades.
Written by Dr Jagdish Bhagwati, an economist.
The Japanese save a lot. They do not spend much. Also Japan exports far more than it imports. Has an annual trade surplus of over $100 billion, yet Japanese economy is considered weak, even collapsing.
Americans spend, save little. Also US import more than it exports. Has an annual trade deficit of over $400 billion. Yet, the American economy is considered strong and trusted to get stronger.
But where from do Americans get money to spend?
They borrow from Japan , China , and even India .
Virtually others save for the US to spend.
Global savings are mostly invested in US, in dollars. India itself keeps its foreign currency assets of over $50 billions in US securities. China has sunk over $160 billion in US securities. Japan 's stakes in US securities is in trillions.
Result:
The US has taken over $5 trillion from the world. So, as the world saves for the US, Americans spend freely. Today, to keep the US consumption going, that is for the US economy to work, the countries have to remit $180 billion every quarter that is $2 billion a day to the US!
Otherwise the US economy would go for a sick. So will the global economy.
The result will be no different if US consumers begin consuming less.
A Chinese economist asked a neat question. Who has invested more, US in China , or China in US? The US has invested in China less than half of what China has invested in US.
The same is the case with India . We have invested in US over $50 billion. But the US has invested less than $20 billion in India .
Why the world is after the US? The secret lies in the American spending, that they hardly save. In fact they use their credit cards to spend their future income. That the US spends is what makes it attractive to export to the US .
So US imports more than what it exports year after year.
The Result:
The world is dependent on US consumption for its growth. By its deepening culture of consumption, the US has habituated the world to feed on US consumption. But as the US needs money to finance its consumption, the world provides the money.
It's like a shopkeeper providing the money to a customer so that the customer keeps buying from his shop.
The customer will not buy; the shop won't have business, unless the shopkeeper funds him.
The US is like the lucky customer. And the world is like the helpless shopkeeper financier.
Who is America 's biggest shopkeeper financer? Japan of course. Yet it's Japan which is regarded as weak.
Modern economists complain that Japanese do not spend, so they do not Grow. To force the Japanese to spend, the Japanese government exerted itself. Reduced the savings rates, even charged the savers. Even then the Japanese did not spend (habits don't change, even with taxes, do they?). Their traditional postal savings alone is over $1.2 trillions, about three times the Indian GDP. Thus, savings, far from being the strength of Japan , has become its pain.
Hence, what is the lesson?
A nation cannot grow unless the people spend, not save. Not just spend, but borrow and spend.
Dr. Jagdish Bhagwati, the famous Indian-born economist in the US, told that don't wastefully save. Start spending, on imported cars and, seriously, even on cosmetics! This will put all nations on a growth curve.
'Saving is sin, and spending is virtue.'
Before you follow this neo economics, get some fools to save so that you can borrow from them and spend. This is what US has successfully done in last few decades.
Written by Dr Jagdish Bhagwati, an economist.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Stockings
Overheard in Singapore........
Ah Lian ask a shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee' (breast) one.
Ah Lian ask a shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee' (breast) one.
A Brick Story
Food for thought……………….
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother,' he said, 'he rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.
He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother,' he said, 'he rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.
He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
Friday, September 21, 2012
Mother In Law
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Lessons in Life - from an old lady
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Why..... Why..... Why..... ?
A Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?
Confucius says :
It is very simple. Confucius says, “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?
Confucius says :
It is very simple. Confucius says, “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”
Humor in the Court
Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Expert Witness : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Lawyer : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Expert Witness : All of them...the living ones put up too much of a fight.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Expert Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And the man was dead at the time?
Expert Witness: If he was not dead, he would be dead by the time I finished autopsy.
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Expert Witness : No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Expert Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: I see, but could the patient be still alive nevertheless?
Expert Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Expert Witness : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Lawyer : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Expert Witness : All of them...the living ones put up too much of a fight.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Expert Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And the man was dead at the time?
Expert Witness: If he was not dead, he would be dead by the time I finished autopsy.
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Expert Witness : No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Expert Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Expert Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: I see, but could the patient be still alive nevertheless?
Expert Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Cicero's philosophy
Rome's Cicero's (106 - 43 BC) "the legendary silver tongued orator" philosophy revisited below;
1. The poor - work and work,
2. The rich - exploit the poor,
3. The soldier - protects both,
4. The taxpayer - pays for all three,
5. The wanderer - rests for all four,
6. The drunk - drinks for all five,
7. The banker - robs all six,
8. The lawyer - misleads all seven,
9. The doctor - kills all eight,
10. The undertaker - buries all nine,
11. The Politician - lives happily on the account of all ten.
As applicable today as it is applicable in those days….
1. The poor - work and work,
2. The rich - exploit the poor,
3. The soldier - protects both,
4. The taxpayer - pays for all three,
5. The wanderer - rests for all four,
6. The drunk - drinks for all five,
7. The banker - robs all six,
8. The lawyer - misleads all seven,
9. The doctor - kills all eight,
10. The undertaker - buries all nine,
11. The Politician - lives happily on the account of all ten.
As applicable today as it is applicable in those days….
Friday, September 14, 2012
One day in the Sahara desert
Crossing the Sahara desert
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... ....quickly, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... ....quickly, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
Golf - The Dreaded Call
It was a fine Friday afternoon.
My boss phoned me. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
ATTITUDE - IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT
ATTITUDE IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.......
SOLDIER : SIR WE ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES BY ENEMIES,
MAJOR : EXCELLENT ! WE CAN ATTACK IN ANY DIRECTION.
EVERY ONE KNOWS ABOUT ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL WHO INVENTED THE TELEPHONE, BUT HE NEVER MADE A CALL TO HIS FAMILY. BECAUSE, HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE DEAF.
THAT'S LIFE .........LIVE FOR OTHERS.
THE WORST IN LIFE IS "ATTACHMENT " - IT HURTS WHEN YOU LOSE IT.
THE BEST THING IN LIFE IS " LONELINESS " BECAUSE IT TEACHES YOU EVERYTHING AND, WHEN YOU LOSE IT, YOU GET EVERYTHING.
LIFE IS NOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ACT TRUE TO YOUR FACE ........
IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO REMAIN TRUE BEHIND YOUR BACK .
IF AN EGG IS BROKEN BY AN OUTSIDE FORCE - A LIFE ENDS.
IF AN EGG BREAKS FROM WITHIN - LIFE BEGINS.
GREAT THINGS ALWAYS BEGIN FROM WITHIN.
IT'S BETTER TO LOSE YOUR EGO TO THE ONE YOU LOVE…….
THAN TO LOSE THE ONE YOU LOVE ........ BECAUSE OF EGO.
A RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T SHINE BY JUST SHAKING HANDS AT THE BEST OF TIMES. BUT IT BLOSSOMS BY HOLDING FIRMLY IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS.
HEATED GOLD BECOMES ORNAMENTS.
BETTED COPPER BECOMES WIRES.
DEPLETED STONE BECOMES STATUE.
SO, THE MORE PAIN YOU GET IN YOUR LIFE, THE MORE VALUABLE YOU BECOME.
WHEN YOU TRUST SOMEONE, TRUST HIM COMPLETELY WITHOUT ANY DOUBT....... AT THE END YOU WOULD GET ONE OF THE TWO :
EITHER A LESSON FOR YOUR LIFE OR A VERY GOOD PERSON .
WHY WE HAVE SO MANY TEMPLES, IF GOD IS EVERYWHERE ?
A WISE MAN SAID - AIR IS EVERYWHERE, BUT WE STILL NEED A FAN TO FEEL IT.
SOLDIER : SIR WE ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES BY ENEMIES,
MAJOR : EXCELLENT ! WE CAN ATTACK IN ANY DIRECTION.
EVERY ONE KNOWS ABOUT ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL WHO INVENTED THE TELEPHONE, BUT HE NEVER MADE A CALL TO HIS FAMILY. BECAUSE, HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE DEAF.
THAT'S LIFE .........LIVE FOR OTHERS.
THE WORST IN LIFE IS "ATTACHMENT " - IT HURTS WHEN YOU LOSE IT.
THE BEST THING IN LIFE IS " LONELINESS " BECAUSE IT TEACHES YOU EVERYTHING AND, WHEN YOU LOSE IT, YOU GET EVERYTHING.
LIFE IS NOT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ACT TRUE TO YOUR FACE ........
IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO REMAIN TRUE BEHIND YOUR BACK .
IF AN EGG IS BROKEN BY AN OUTSIDE FORCE - A LIFE ENDS.
IF AN EGG BREAKS FROM WITHIN - LIFE BEGINS.
GREAT THINGS ALWAYS BEGIN FROM WITHIN.
IT'S BETTER TO LOSE YOUR EGO TO THE ONE YOU LOVE…….
THAN TO LOSE THE ONE YOU LOVE ........ BECAUSE OF EGO.
A RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T SHINE BY JUST SHAKING HANDS AT THE BEST OF TIMES. BUT IT BLOSSOMS BY HOLDING FIRMLY IN CRITICAL SITUATIONS.
HEATED GOLD BECOMES ORNAMENTS.
BETTED COPPER BECOMES WIRES.
DEPLETED STONE BECOMES STATUE.
SO, THE MORE PAIN YOU GET IN YOUR LIFE, THE MORE VALUABLE YOU BECOME.
WHEN YOU TRUST SOMEONE, TRUST HIM COMPLETELY WITHOUT ANY DOUBT....... AT THE END YOU WOULD GET ONE OF THE TWO :
EITHER A LESSON FOR YOUR LIFE OR A VERY GOOD PERSON .
WHY WE HAVE SO MANY TEMPLES, IF GOD IS EVERYWHERE ?
A WISE MAN SAID - AIR IS EVERYWHERE, BUT WE STILL NEED A FAN TO FEEL IT.
Poor Husbands
POOR HUSBANDS....This is toooo good not to share …….
Funny why most men wanted to be become one!
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
At the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.
Thought 3
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . .. . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
And now the best one. . . .
Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die..'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?
Muahahahahahaaaa…..
Funny why most men wanted to be become one!
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
At the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.
Thought 3
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . .. . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
And now the best one. . . .
Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die..'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?
Muahahahahahaaaa…..
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
In a Coma
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitors whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure....maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitors whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure....maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I have a headache
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
A Better Revenge
Have a good laugh again!!!!!
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her" - David Bissonette.
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her" - David Bissonette.
Numerics
You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with......
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with......
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Chinese Philosophy
How True! Chinese Philosophy
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.
When without money, eat wild vege at home ;
When have money, eat same wild vege in fine restaurant.
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.
When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
Says women are trouble-makers
but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely
but keeps wanting them.
Says smoking & drinking is bad
but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good
but refused to go.
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to become famous
What is life about?
1 - At one, YOU are the top priority
10 - At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 -At twenty, getting dates is the top priority
30 - At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 -At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 - At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 - At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 - At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 - At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 - At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 - At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good !
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Highway to Heaven
Teacher asked : Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "Oh god! I'm coming".
A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "Oh god! I'm coming".
Children - 6
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. A
ead the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the ple tray:
'Take only one. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
ead the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the ple tray:
'Take only one. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Power of Money
I am sharing this with you all because I really believe in his philosophy.......
Power of Money
By Adam Khoo (Singapore 's youngest millionaire at 26 yrs.)
Some of you may already know that I travel around the region pretty frequently, having to visit and conduct seminars at my offices in Malaysia , Indonesia , Thailand and Suzhou ( China ). I am in the airport almost every other week so I get to bump into many people who have attended my seminars or have read my
books.
Recently, someone came up to me on a plane to KL and looked rather shocked. He asked, 'How come a millionaire like you is traveling economy?'
My reply was, 'That's why I am a millionaire. ' He still looked pretty confused.
This again confirms that greatest lie ever told about wealth (which I wrote about in my latest book 'Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires' ).
Many people have been brainwashed to think that millionaires have to wear Gucci, Hugo Boss, Rolex, and sit on first class in air travel.
This is why so many people never become rich because the moment that they earn more money, they think that it is only natural that they spend more, putting them back to square one.
The truth is that most self-made millionaires are frugal and only spend on what is necessary and of value. That is why they are able to accumulate and multiply their wealth so much faster.
Over the last 7 years, I have saved about 80% of my income while today I save only about 60% (because I have my wife, mother in law, 2 maids, 2 kids, etc. to support). Still, it is way above most people who save
10% of their income (if they are lucky).
I refuse to buy a first class ticket or to buy a $300 shirt because I think that it is a complete waste of money. However, I happily pay $1,300 to send my 2-year old daughter to Julia Gabriel Speech and
Drama without thinking twice.
When I joined the YEO (Young Entrepreneur' s Orgn) a few years back (YEO) is an exclusive club open to those who are under 40 and make over $1m a year in their own business) I discovered that those who
were self-made thought like me. Many of them with net worth well over $5m, travelled economy class and some even drove Toyota 's and Nissans, not Audis, Mercs, BMWs.
I noticed that it was only those who never had to work hard to build their own wealth (there were also a few ministers' and tycoons' sons in the club) who spent like there was no tomorrow. Somehow, when you
did not have to build everything from scratch, you do not really value money. This is precisely the reason why a family's wealth (no matter how much) rarely lasts past the third generation.
Thank God my rich dad foresaw this terrible possibility and refused to give me a cent to start my business.
Then some people ask me, 'What is the point in making so much money if you don't enjoy it?' The thing is that I don't really find happiness in buying branded clothes, jewellery or sitting first class. Even if
buying something makes me happy it is only for a while, it does not last.
Material happiness never lasts, it just give you a quick fix. After a while you feel lousy again and have to buy the next thing which you think will make you happy. I always think that if you need material things to make you happy, then you live a pretty sad and unfulfilled life..
Instead, what makes me happy is when I see my children laughing and playing and learning so fast. What makes me happy is when I see my companies and trainers reaching more and more people every year in so
many more countries.
What makes me really happy is when I read all the emails about how my books and seminars have touched and inspired someone's life.
What makes me really happy is reading all your wonderful posts about how this blog is inspiring you. This happiness makes me feel really good for a long time, much much more than what a Rolex would do for me.
I think the point I want to put across is that happiness must come from doing your life's work (be it teaching, building homes, designing,trading, winning tournaments etc.) and the money that comes is only a by-product. If you hate what you are doing and rely on the money you earn to make you happy by buying stuff, then I think that you are living a life of meaninglessness.
Power of Money
By Adam Khoo (Singapore 's youngest millionaire at 26 yrs.)
Some of you may already know that I travel around the region pretty frequently, having to visit and conduct seminars at my offices in Malaysia , Indonesia , Thailand and Suzhou ( China ). I am in the airport almost every other week so I get to bump into many people who have attended my seminars or have read my
books.
Recently, someone came up to me on a plane to KL and looked rather shocked. He asked, 'How come a millionaire like you is traveling economy?'
My reply was, 'That's why I am a millionaire. ' He still looked pretty confused.
This again confirms that greatest lie ever told about wealth (which I wrote about in my latest book 'Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires' ).
Many people have been brainwashed to think that millionaires have to wear Gucci, Hugo Boss, Rolex, and sit on first class in air travel.
This is why so many people never become rich because the moment that they earn more money, they think that it is only natural that they spend more, putting them back to square one.
The truth is that most self-made millionaires are frugal and only spend on what is necessary and of value. That is why they are able to accumulate and multiply their wealth so much faster.
Over the last 7 years, I have saved about 80% of my income while today I save only about 60% (because I have my wife, mother in law, 2 maids, 2 kids, etc. to support). Still, it is way above most people who save
10% of their income (if they are lucky).
I refuse to buy a first class ticket or to buy a $300 shirt because I think that it is a complete waste of money. However, I happily pay $1,300 to send my 2-year old daughter to Julia Gabriel Speech and
Drama without thinking twice.
When I joined the YEO (Young Entrepreneur' s Orgn) a few years back (YEO) is an exclusive club open to those who are under 40 and make over $1m a year in their own business) I discovered that those who
were self-made thought like me. Many of them with net worth well over $5m, travelled economy class and some even drove Toyota 's and Nissans, not Audis, Mercs, BMWs.
I noticed that it was only those who never had to work hard to build their own wealth (there were also a few ministers' and tycoons' sons in the club) who spent like there was no tomorrow. Somehow, when you
did not have to build everything from scratch, you do not really value money. This is precisely the reason why a family's wealth (no matter how much) rarely lasts past the third generation.
Thank God my rich dad foresaw this terrible possibility and refused to give me a cent to start my business.
Then some people ask me, 'What is the point in making so much money if you don't enjoy it?' The thing is that I don't really find happiness in buying branded clothes, jewellery or sitting first class. Even if
buying something makes me happy it is only for a while, it does not last.
Material happiness never lasts, it just give you a quick fix. After a while you feel lousy again and have to buy the next thing which you think will make you happy. I always think that if you need material things to make you happy, then you live a pretty sad and unfulfilled life..
Instead, what makes me happy is when I see my children laughing and playing and learning so fast. What makes me happy is when I see my companies and trainers reaching more and more people every year in so
many more countries.
What makes me really happy is when I read all the emails about how my books and seminars have touched and inspired someone's life.
What makes me really happy is reading all your wonderful posts about how this blog is inspiring you. This happiness makes me feel really good for a long time, much much more than what a Rolex would do for me.
I think the point I want to put across is that happiness must come from doing your life's work (be it teaching, building homes, designing,trading, winning tournaments etc.) and the money that comes is only a by-product. If you hate what you are doing and rely on the money you earn to make you happy by buying stuff, then I think that you are living a life of meaninglessness.
Friday, September 7, 2012
The Bartender
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. After the third beer, A guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, The man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Dat's b'cos,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. After the third beer, A guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, The man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Dat's b'cos,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
A Cowboy's Tombstone
Five rules for men to have a happy life......seen on a tombstone in Utah.
It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and have a job.
it is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
it is important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
It is important that these four woman do not know each other or you could end up dead like me!
It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and have a job.
it is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
it is important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
It is important that these four woman do not know each other or you could end up dead like me!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Once the "BEST JOKE" award winner in UK
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you are all the same."
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you are all the same."
Financial Planning - Woman's Way
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Children - 5
Take 5
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
This is the life
This is life!! Live it the way you want it.
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Men and women are different.
Somehow, it appears that men and women are different...
Wife's Diary:
Dear diary. Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; can you believe it - who the f*** four putts?
Note – Only Golfers will catch this!
Wife's Diary:
Dear diary. Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; can you believe it - who the f*** four putts?
Note – Only Golfers will catch this!
Children - 4
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
Financial Wisdom
Financial Wisdom
- attributed to Warren Buffet
Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser.
Spending - If you buy things you don't need, you'll soon sell things you need.
Savings - Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving.
Hard work - All hard work brings profit; but mere talk leads only to poverty.
Laziness - A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current.
Earnings - Never depend on a single source of income.
Borrowings - The borrower becomes the lender's slave.
Accounting - It's no use carrying an umbrella, if your shoes are leaking.
Auditing - Beware of little expenses; a small leak can sink a large ship.
Risk-taking: Never test the depth of the river with both feet.
Investment - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
I'm certain that those who have already been practicing these principles remain financially healthy.
I'm equally confident that those who resolve to start practicing these principles will quickly regain their financial health.
Let us become wiser and lead a happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful life.
- attributed to Warren Buffet
Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser.
Spending - If you buy things you don't need, you'll soon sell things you need.
Savings - Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving.
Hard work - All hard work brings profit; but mere talk leads only to poverty.
Laziness - A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current.
Earnings - Never depend on a single source of income.
Borrowings - The borrower becomes the lender's slave.
Accounting - It's no use carrying an umbrella, if your shoes are leaking.
Auditing - Beware of little expenses; a small leak can sink a large ship.
Risk-taking: Never test the depth of the river with both feet.
Investment - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
I'm certain that those who have already been practicing these principles remain financially healthy.
I'm equally confident that those who resolve to start practicing these principles will quickly regain their financial health.
Let us become wiser and lead a happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful life.
The Doctor's change of plan
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing
as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, sathered on some honey and mounted the woman..
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing
as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, sathered on some honey and mounted the woman..
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sex in the Military
The military version of Sex.
The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
A Dog's Logic
Dog Logic.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
- Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
- Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
- Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
- Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
A Communication Gap
Height of Communication GAP.
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"
The guy said, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow. "
That night, she tells her husband about the phone call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Muahahahahahaaaa….
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"
The guy said, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow. "
That night, she tells her husband about the phone call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Muahahahahahaaaa….
Monday, August 27, 2012
Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize that there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells......
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells......
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
I am beginning to like my biscuits Burnt!
Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she made breakfast food for dinner after a long, hard day at work. Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed.
Dad just reach for his biscuit, smiled at mom and asked me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and ate every bite.
When I got up from the table, I remember hearing mom apologize to dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.
Later that night, I went to kiss Dad good night and asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others' faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
Because in the end, you are the master of your own life, to be happy or unhappy, to be positive or negative.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship , be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.
So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine ...
Dad just reach for his biscuit, smiled at mom and asked me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and ate every bite.
When I got up from the table, I remember hearing mom apologize to dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.
Later that night, I went to kiss Dad good night and asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others' faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
Because in the end, you are the master of your own life, to be happy or unhappy, to be positive or negative.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship , be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.
So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine ...
Children - 3
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee
You may never look at a cup of coffee the same way again, whether you drink coffee or not.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?
Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, do you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or are you like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are at their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to share this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?
Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, do you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or are you like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are at their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to share this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
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