A time for Cheng Meng

Uncle Chong at the graveyard during Cheng Meng while burning joss money, remarks, "Joss money nowadays look so real,  I'm almost reluctant to burn it."

Soon after,  his wife calls his mobile, "Hey, I thought you went for Cheng Meng.  Why is the joss money still on the table?   And what happened to the 60K that I withdrew yesterday?"

Uncle bangs his head against the tombstone and cries till he faints.

Passersby say, "Such filial piety! Hardly see nowadays."

Later that night,  his grandfather appears in his dream.

"Grandson, What have you done? What currency have you sent me?  I'm now in police lockup here.

They're accusing me of using counterfeit money!"

A bag full of money

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -  fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."

Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said: "No."

Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.  

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

*TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE*
😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

A tale of Avocadoes

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk  and if ghey have avocadoes, get 6."

A short time later ghe husband comrs back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 vartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you are a woman, I'm surr you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time....

The waterfront in the daytime

The miri waterfront viewed from the executive lounge on the 24th floor of the Pullman hotel....

Kolo mee and Beef Soup

This morning's breakfast is simply beef noodles @ Philip's Authentic Beef Noodles in Pelita Commercial Centre....

The Resume

I like this exchange. The fairer sex have things too eady sometimes.......

A panaromic night view

Miri’s waterfront viewed from Pulman’s hotel at night.

A Teacher’s Story

A case for divorce

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts with excitement at the top of her lungs, 'My husband has come! My husband has come!

The sexperts

Meet the Sexperts...

In the Times of India afternoon paper in Mumbai, called Mumbai Mirror, there is a column on "Meet the Sexpert" there. Some funnies below :

Q: Is it safe if penis is kept in the vagina when sleeping?

A: Usually when the penis returns to flaccid state, it will slide out of the vagina. Even if does not, be rest assured the vagina will not have it for breakfast.

Q. I am a 36-year-old man. Six months ago I had sex with a housewife. Then, I made as many as 220 strokes in the 40 minutes of our intercourse. Today, I could only reach 180 in the same time. Please reply. I am worried.

A: Do take part in the Commonwealth Games since you seem like an athlete. My advice is to enjoy the act and stop counting. Do give a thought to whether you are satisfying your partner or not!

Q: I am a 25-year-old man. My penis is short and small in diameter. When aroused, its size increases to resemble a ¾ inch PVC pipe. I have heard that there are capsules available that help increase the size. Please advise.

A: As plenty of water can pass through a PVC pipe, similarly more than enough semen can pass out of your penis.

Q: I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?

A: Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.

Best of best..

Girl: I'm 19  and I'm pregnant. How do I tell my parents?
Amazing reply from sexpert:
If you can open your legs then why not your mouth?

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...   it's women who make it hard."

That is life!

Do not judge people by their appearance. You do not know what they have gone through in life!

It’s a dog’s life

Back to being mundane

Now that the bonding time is over, it’s back to my ‘normal’ life back in Borneo and enjoying my favorite breakfast like Grandpa’s Noodles  and so on. And continue watching the world rolled by.....

Little Johnny rides again

Little HJohnny returns.....

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”

The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”

The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Trump fan.”😌

How do you recognize someone?

Let's lighten up on your Friday ...

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their 'freedom'.
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face and the trio ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part..??

The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you... but in my country, it's the face that people recognise..." 🙄🤨🤔😏

Who slept with grandma?

Sushi Anyone?

The “Post Turtle”

Pedigree dog food

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large pack of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had? An elephant?? 😳

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, that I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. 

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree  nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. 

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)🤓

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. 

I told her no, I stepped off the pavement to sniff a Labrador's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack ....because he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from entering my supermarket!

Better watch what you ask retired people.🤪🤪

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this especially to all your retired friends...... 

it will be their laugh for the day. 🤣🤣🤣

A time to squeeze the ballls

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.

A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquillity, without saying a word, lowers the boy's pants and squeezes his testicles.

The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquillity returns to his table without a word.

Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son's life.

She asks, "Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am," comes the reply. "I'm an Assistant Commissioner from Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri."

"We are trained to squeeze everyone's balls to make them cough up the last penny."

*Reminder to file and confirm your tax returns by 15-April 2019 (for paper filing) and 18 April 2019 (e-filing)*

When a child chokes

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.

A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquillity, without saying a word, lowers the boy's pants and squeezes his testicles.

The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquillity returns to his table without a word.

Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son's life.

She asks, "Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am," comes the reply. "I'm an officer from Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri."

"We are trained to squeeze everyone's balls to make them cough up the last penny."

*Remember to file your Borang BE (employees) by 30 April 2019 (for paper filing) and 15 May 2019 (e-filing)*

In a subway

They said they don't wear anything under their quilts?

 

Living in the fast lane

I don’t care.  I like life in the fast lane and so I’m joining them!!

The 4th Monkey

The magic lamp reboot

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender incredulously.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie appears before him and says. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming and coming and coming!

The bartender turns to the man and screams over the cacophony of the ducks quacking, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf... I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Ile Aux Cerfs

At deer island, the bonding continues. Despite the name, there are no deers on the island, only human deers.

Now that you are married

All things kids

1          A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'..*

2          A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

3          A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

4          One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

5          The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

6          A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

7          The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

A few wise words

If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage,  you can't even change a TV channel.

Listening to wife is like reading the terms conditions of website. You understand Nothing, still you click .......!!

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor king can take only one step at a time ...
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't Scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ..surely

Is sex all pleasure?

The Commanding Officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company . 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%. 

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel  turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.  What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked, why? 

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

I'm in sales

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

 

The Tea Factory And museum

Visited the Tea Factory/Museum at Le Domaine de BoisCheri yesterday. At the Tea Factory trying to understand the tea making processes. Seeing the old machines and the openness of the whole operation, I cannot help wonder on the overall hygeine of the whole process! 

Trunks unloading the just harvested tea leaves.

The newly proceesed tea are collected in bags like these. They are then ready to be packed into sachets or as loose tea.

The Tea is then packed into sachets and the sachets packed into boxes ready for the market.

The cafe where  the tea tasting took place has a paoramic view of the lake.

Outriggers Beach Resort hotel

Checked into Outriggers Beach Resort hotel, in the southern part of the Island, for next 3 days for further bonding with granddaugther.

The restaurant with a view

Bonding, bonding and more bonding

The beach

The main pool

Saw a wedding couple taking photos at the Jetty.

And can have candlelit dinner under the stars with your love one........