Monday, October 1, 2012
Simgapore Jokes
Story 2
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
Story 3
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.' They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It's the rule.' They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.' They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who jumped.'
Story 4
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect their underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the distribution.
Sergeant: Hei, Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen (sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwear dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Story 5
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song 'Ah Cheng Buey RoTi' (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss, claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for the song 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers.
Story 6
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they're not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, 'Wah low!!!, how you know one?'
The first Ah Lian reply smugly, 'Easy lah.. G for Gero mah...'
Story 7
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm'
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, 'Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife.'
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife.
Lee KY's wife said, 'C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!'
So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Banga!' (Banga-Lee)
How thieves know there's a laptop hidden in your car
How thieves know there's a laptop hidden in your car - coneal your laptop in the car from yin eyes and return to find it gone. Still wdering how the thieves knew? The mystery as to uow thieves could single out vhicles for the laptops stored inside has been resolved with the arrest of two Indonesian men. The key to the mystery is this harmless-looking gadget called an inductive amplifier.
This came to light after Selangor police arrested the two foreigners in an ambush at Kampung Changkat, Gombak. Police recovered the gadget and seized several laptops, custom-made break-in tools, handbags and watches among other items. The suspects are believed to be behind at least 20 cases of theft from cars.
An inductive amplifier, an electronic device similar to a handheld metal detector and as small as a hairbrush, is used to “sniff” out laptops kept in parked cars. The conventional use of the inductive amplifier is the location of breaks in hidden wires, even buried in concrete. The typical wire detection range in a concrete wall is 10-20 cm.
A check on eBay revealed that the inductive amplifier is priced about $60. This means anyone can easily purchase one and start a laptop stealing business.
After knowing about this, I would strongly reconsider putting my laptop in the car boot unattended ever again. My previous practice was to remove the battery from the laptop first before keeping the laptop in the boot. I thought that the laptop detector works by sensing live circuit in the laptop even though the laptop is not on. Now I know the laptop detector is actually inductive amplifier which can be bought from electronic shop.
This came to light after Selangor police arrested the two foreigners in an ambush at Kampung Changkat, Gombak. Police recovered the gadget and seized several laptops, custom-made break-in tools, handbags and watches among other items. The suspects are believed to be behind at least 20 cases of theft from cars.
An inductive amplifier, an electronic device similar to a handheld metal detector and as small as a hairbrush, is used to “sniff” out laptops kept in parked cars. The conventional use of the inductive amplifier is the location of breaks in hidden wires, even buried in concrete. The typical wire detection range in a concrete wall is 10-20 cm.
A check on eBay revealed that the inductive amplifier is priced about $60. This means anyone can easily purchase one and start a laptop stealing business.
After knowing about this, I would strongly reconsider putting my laptop in the car boot unattended ever again. My previous practice was to remove the battery from the laptop first before keeping the laptop in the boot. I thought that the laptop detector works by sensing live circuit in the laptop even though the laptop is not on. Now I know the laptop detector is actually inductive amplifier which can be bought from electronic shop.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
A Singapore Story
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
'aaaaaah! 'R' for Reverse!!!!!!' screamed Ah Beng.
So there Ah Beng was bragging about the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'
'aaaaaah! 'R' for Reverse!!!!!!' screamed Ah Beng.
An Interesting Article
I find this article interesting reading.................
The Japanese save a lot. They do not spend much. Also Japan exports far more than it imports. Has an annual trade surplus of over $100 billion, yet Japanese economy is considered weak, even collapsing.
Americans spend, save little. Also US import more than it exports. Has an annual trade deficit of over $400 billion. Yet, the American economy is considered strong and trusted to get stronger.
But where from do Americans get money to spend?
They borrow from Japan , China , and even India .
Virtually others save for the US to spend.
Global savings are mostly invested in US, in dollars. India itself keeps its foreign currency assets of over $50 billions in US securities. China has sunk over $160 billion in US securities. Japan 's stakes in US securities is in trillions.
Result:
The US has taken over $5 trillion from the world. So, as the world saves for the US, Americans spend freely. Today, to keep the US consumption going, that is for the US economy to work, the countries have to remit $180 billion every quarter that is $2 billion a day to the US!
Otherwise the US economy would go for a sick. So will the global economy.
The result will be no different if US consumers begin consuming less.
A Chinese economist asked a neat question. Who has invested more, US in China , or China in US? The US has invested in China less than half of what China has invested in US.
The same is the case with India . We have invested in US over $50 billion. But the US has invested less than $20 billion in India .
Why the world is after the US? The secret lies in the American spending, that they hardly save. In fact they use their credit cards to spend their future income. That the US spends is what makes it attractive to export to the US .
So US imports more than what it exports year after year.
The Result:
The world is dependent on US consumption for its growth. By its deepening culture of consumption, the US has habituated the world to feed on US consumption. But as the US needs money to finance its consumption, the world provides the money.
It's like a shopkeeper providing the money to a customer so that the customer keeps buying from his shop.
The customer will not buy; the shop won't have business, unless the shopkeeper funds him.
The US is like the lucky customer. And the world is like the helpless shopkeeper financier.
Who is America 's biggest shopkeeper financer? Japan of course. Yet it's Japan which is regarded as weak.
Modern economists complain that Japanese do not spend, so they do not Grow. To force the Japanese to spend, the Japanese government exerted itself. Reduced the savings rates, even charged the savers. Even then the Japanese did not spend (habits don't change, even with taxes, do they?). Their traditional postal savings alone is over $1.2 trillions, about three times the Indian GDP. Thus, savings, far from being the strength of Japan , has become its pain.
Hence, what is the lesson?
A nation cannot grow unless the people spend, not save. Not just spend, but borrow and spend.
Dr. Jagdish Bhagwati, the famous Indian-born economist in the US, told that don't wastefully save. Start spending, on imported cars and, seriously, even on cosmetics! This will put all nations on a growth curve.
'Saving is sin, and spending is virtue.'
Before you follow this neo economics, get some fools to save so that you can borrow from them and spend. This is what US has successfully done in last few decades.
Written by Dr Jagdish Bhagwati, an economist.
The Japanese save a lot. They do not spend much. Also Japan exports far more than it imports. Has an annual trade surplus of over $100 billion, yet Japanese economy is considered weak, even collapsing.
Americans spend, save little. Also US import more than it exports. Has an annual trade deficit of over $400 billion. Yet, the American economy is considered strong and trusted to get stronger.
But where from do Americans get money to spend?
They borrow from Japan , China , and even India .
Virtually others save for the US to spend.
Global savings are mostly invested in US, in dollars. India itself keeps its foreign currency assets of over $50 billions in US securities. China has sunk over $160 billion in US securities. Japan 's stakes in US securities is in trillions.
Result:
The US has taken over $5 trillion from the world. So, as the world saves for the US, Americans spend freely. Today, to keep the US consumption going, that is for the US economy to work, the countries have to remit $180 billion every quarter that is $2 billion a day to the US!
Otherwise the US economy would go for a sick. So will the global economy.
The result will be no different if US consumers begin consuming less.
A Chinese economist asked a neat question. Who has invested more, US in China , or China in US? The US has invested in China less than half of what China has invested in US.
The same is the case with India . We have invested in US over $50 billion. But the US has invested less than $20 billion in India .
Why the world is after the US? The secret lies in the American spending, that they hardly save. In fact they use their credit cards to spend their future income. That the US spends is what makes it attractive to export to the US .
So US imports more than what it exports year after year.
The Result:
The world is dependent on US consumption for its growth. By its deepening culture of consumption, the US has habituated the world to feed on US consumption. But as the US needs money to finance its consumption, the world provides the money.
It's like a shopkeeper providing the money to a customer so that the customer keeps buying from his shop.
The customer will not buy; the shop won't have business, unless the shopkeeper funds him.
The US is like the lucky customer. And the world is like the helpless shopkeeper financier.
Who is America 's biggest shopkeeper financer? Japan of course. Yet it's Japan which is regarded as weak.
Modern economists complain that Japanese do not spend, so they do not Grow. To force the Japanese to spend, the Japanese government exerted itself. Reduced the savings rates, even charged the savers. Even then the Japanese did not spend (habits don't change, even with taxes, do they?). Their traditional postal savings alone is over $1.2 trillions, about three times the Indian GDP. Thus, savings, far from being the strength of Japan , has become its pain.
Hence, what is the lesson?
A nation cannot grow unless the people spend, not save. Not just spend, but borrow and spend.
Dr. Jagdish Bhagwati, the famous Indian-born economist in the US, told that don't wastefully save. Start spending, on imported cars and, seriously, even on cosmetics! This will put all nations on a growth curve.
'Saving is sin, and spending is virtue.'
Before you follow this neo economics, get some fools to save so that you can borrow from them and spend. This is what US has successfully done in last few decades.
Written by Dr Jagdish Bhagwati, an economist.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Stockings
Overheard in Singapore........
Ah Lian ask a shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee' (breast) one.
Ah Lian ask a shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee' (breast) one.
A Brick Story
Food for thought……………….
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother,' he said, 'he rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.
He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother,' he said, 'he rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.
He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
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