I am home schooled

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

My Lan Chau

We have our Kolo mee. Vietnam have their Ramen.

Banana Tariff Plan

Outside the TNB Office, a banana vendor was selling bananas....

TNB Officer asks - Whats the price of Banana?
Vendor - Let me know where you'll use them?
TNB Officer -  what do u mean? ! ! !

Vendor-
If u are taking to temple, then its RM1.00 per kg
To Orphanage is RM1.50 per kg
For school children is RM 2.00per kg        
If u take home is RM 2.50per kg
And For restaurant is RM 5.00 per kg.....

TNB officer-
How can this be .. All bananas are the same, then why difference in price?

Vendor -
This is my banana tariff plan.  Even you TNB people selling the same electricity but for home, shop, factory, u people charge different tariffs..

The marriage therapist

After 35 years of marriage, a couple went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrows. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

The Pastor’s Salary

The Pastor's Salary.....            

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise.  
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke thus:
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear raincoats!"
The entire congregation said: 'Amen.'

Happy mother’s day

To all the mothers out there, happy mother’s day. Without you none of us will be here!

How to improve lifespan